Thanks For The Update, Jessica



Although she’s been pregnant for several years, baffling scientists and wildlife experts alike, Jessica Simpson decided to go on Twitter this weekend and let everybody know what they already knew.

To everyone who keeps congratulating me on the birth of my baby girl…I’m still pregnant!! Don’t believe what you read ladies and gents.

Wait, this is gonna be a girl? The nurse better be waiting with a Happy Meal and a milkshake from Steak ‘N Shake or a live goat, because whatever this thing is she’ll need energy so she can find a mate and breed. They’ll try to use cyanide gas to kill her but she’ll break out of her containment cell and escape. Men cannot resist her. Mankind may not survive her.

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