Here’s one last Oscar thing that I meant to post yesterday but I got distracted while editing these pics because OH DAMN TITTY FUCK PLEASE. Then I made myself a sandwich. Then I took a nap. To be honest, the whole ordeal is was pretty exhausting. My recovery time isn’t the best. I do enjoy cuddling and baking though ladies if you’re still interested.
Real Life Navy SEALS > Tyler Perry > The Rock riding a bee > a Nicolas Cage movie where he has a flaming skull head > a Jennifer Aniston movie where she’s naked. Us Magazine reports:
The actress’ new movie Wanderlust tanked in its opening weekend, debuting at No. 8 with $6.6 million. The film, which also stars her real-life love Justin Theroux, reunited Aniston, 43, with her longtime pal Paul Rudd, 42, her costar in 1998′s The Object of My Affection. Aniston hasn’t had a No. 1 box office debut since her appearance in the 2009 ensemble rom-com He’s Just Not That Into You. Box office revenue was up more than 25 perfect from the previous year, with Act of Valor — featuring real-life Navy SEALS — taking the top spot with a $24.7 million opening. Tyler Perry’s Good Deeds, costarring Gabrielle Union and Thandie Newton, debuted in No. 2 with $16 million. Journey 2: The Mysterious Island came in third with $13.5 million, Safe House finished in fourth with $11.4 million and The Vow rounded out the top five with $10 million. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance earned $8.8 million for a sixth place finish, while Reese Witherspoon’s This Means War (No. 7) earned $8.5 million in its second weekend.
It’s no secret in Hollywood that if you want to make a movie that nobody will ever pay to see, you cast Jennifer Aniston. Brad Pitt stuck his A-list dick in her for a few years and apparently that means she’s A-list too. She’s not. Michael Bay could leave a camera on in his backseat for two hours and the footage would make more than $6 million.
Because every guy wants to fuck a chick after she just broke out in a sweat after eating a charbroiled beef patty, with jalapeños, pepper-Jack cheese, grilled onions and Santa Fe sauce on sourdough bread, here’s Kate Upton in a commercial for Carl’s Jr. proving that she will agree to anything that includes “show your boobs’ in the contract Which is perfectly fine because what are you gay?
It’s still unclear why Jennifer Lopez and Cameron Diaz were invited to an event to celebrate achievement in motion pictures, but in case you missed it, they presented an award and their asses in some kind of ass-off. Why Cameron Diaz thought this was a good idea I guess we’ll never know, because Jennifer Lopez has built a career by sticking her enormous ass in the air to make people forget she’s a talentless cunt with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Maybe next Diaz can challenge the Hulk to a cage fight or whatever means that she’s stupid with no understanding of her limitations.
Brad Pitt didn’t win Best Actor for Moneyball, but I actually feel for bad for the other guys nominated in this category who didn’t win. Mostly because they didn’t get head from Angelina Jolie on the way home.
The French finally invaded something, because if you watched the 84th Academy Awards last night, it was a veritable The Artist bukkake party as the silent movie about some prancing dipshit swept the Oscars last night. To reiterate, a SILENT MOVIE WON BEST PICTURE. Quentin Tarantino’s entire world just spun off its axis. Anyway, here’s the winners that people might care about.
Best Picture: The Artist Best Actress: Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady Best Actor: Jean Dujardin, The Artist Best Supporting Actress: Octavia Spencer, The Help Best Supporting Actor: Christopher Plummer, Beginners Best Director: Michel Hazanavicius, The Artist Best Original Screenplay: Midnight in Paris, Woody Allen Best Adapted Screenplay: The Descendants, Alexander Payne, Nat Faxon and Jim Rash
Here’s Jean Valjean ignoring Natalie Portman and molesting his award instead:
Gerard Butler is checking into Betty Ford today for what is being described as “issues with pain management”. Or “I manage to pop pain pill like Tic-Tacs even when I’m not in pain” or “Bro, I was so fucking high one time I banged Brandi Glanville and don’t even remember that shit. Who are you calling?” TMZ reports:
Butler’s problems were triggered by the physical demands of shooting “300″ in 2006. We’re told the actor began struggling with pain management, and the problem became exacerbated while filming “Of Men and Mavericks,” when Butler was badly hurt on December 18 during a surfing accident. We’re told Butler realized he was relying too much on prescription drugs and decided to head off a full-blown addiction by entering Betty Ford three weeks ago. Sources tell TMZ … Butler also developed issues with cocaine, but the root problem appears to be the injuries and pain management. We’re told Butler will be leaving Betty Ford later today.
I probably should have called this weeks ago, because Jess loves Gerard Butler and only spreads her disproportionate legs for Mexicans or dudes with severe drug problems. Or Mexicans with severe drug problems. As soon as that kid from ModerN Family grows up and gets hooked on heroin, Jess’s vagina could water a small to medium sized farm.
Here’s Jennifer Love Hewitt on the set of The Client List in Los Angeles. The Client List, a show on a network for women, shows the life of an escort played by, well, Jennifer Love Hewitt. But in a shocking twist, instead of paying in cash, Hewitt’s clients pay her by going with her to a jewelry store to look at rings and letting her change her relationship status on Facebook to “in a relationship”. If you want anal or to blow in her face, she gets to change her relationship status to “engaged”.
“Confucius say, ‘He who make premature endorsement deal should take money and open laundromat.’”
On February 4, mathletes and New York Knicks fans everywhere, hailed Harvard graduate and NBA afterthought, Jeremy Lin, as the savior of the franchise after he seemingly came out of nowhere to drop 25 points and 7 assists on the lowly New Jersey Nets. He’s been on an unlikely run since, and because he’s obviously an expert on sports, Perez Hilton compared New York Knicks starting novelty to LeBron James (seriously, he compared the 4th string whose been cut twice to the guy who played his high school games on ESPN). Then, you know, until the Knicks played the Miami Heat last night. ESPN reports:
After the Knicks’ 102-88 loss to the Heat, New York Knicks point guard Jeremy Lin was at his locker with his head down. He finished with just as many turnovers (eight) as points — his lowest total since his sudden surge started against the Nets. Knicks forward Carmelo Anthony, whose locker was directly across from Lin’s, recognized Lin’s dejection, as did the other players, and they went over to comfort him. Due to the presence of Mario Chalmers, Dwyane Wade, LeBron James and Joel Anthony — a center who can move in every direction like a crab — Lin and backup point guard Baron Davis were suffocated on the perimeter. The Heat have a defensive system that thrives on airtight rotations and aggressively disrupting the pick-and-roll ball-handler (Lin and Davis). Lin said after the game that he couldn’t remember another game where it was hard just to dribble the ball. He said the Heat did a good job of forcing him left, which the book says is a weakness of his, and not letting him make the swing pass to disrupt the Heat’s defensive rotations. He said the next time he faces the Heat, he’ll look to make them work harder for 24 seconds and make sure his passes jump-start the Knicks’ offense better and are directed exactly where they need to go.
When players like this come out of nowhere, it’s for a reason. That’s because NBA scouts aren’t going to spend a lot of time going to Harvard to watch an Asian kid play basketball in between chess practices or AV Club meetings or whatever (maybe noodles). Jeremy Lin became the starter because the Knicks literally had no other choice, and combined with the shortened lockout season that gives teams hardly no time to prepare or practice, Lin caught some teams off guard. Now it’s been 20 days. And now he’s on other teams’ scouting reports. And once they read it, they’ll want to read it again an hour later BOOM SAVE AND PUBLISH.