Well, another year has come to an end, and to be honest, I can’t believe I will have been here six years next month. Fuck. Six years. What have I done with my life?! But most importantly, I think we’re mostly shocked that Lindsay Lohan isn’t dead yet. That seems like it should have happened by now, right? It does, doesn’t it? Anyway, while she will continue to taunt me in 2012, I’d like to take this time to thank everyone of you who condescends to read this site everyday. Jess and I really do appreciate it, because we know there are a billion other sites out there that have fully grasped that whole grammar and punctuation thing. Also, Jess says if we reach 10,000 fans on Facebook she’ll have sex with me then bake me something. So, let’s ring in the New Year by making that happen. In a more realistic scenario, you guys be safe tonight because we love each and everyone of you. We’re basically like a big misfit fam…what? No not like that. What would make you think we loved you like that? Jesus, dude why do you have to be such a homo all the time? It’s exhausting.
Note: Our annual “Hottest Chick” and “Best Posts” of the year will be up on Tuesday. We’re taking votes here, so if you’re not sloppy drunk and embarrassing your family and all those around you, feel free to give us a suggestion or just email it to firstname.lastname@example.org.
And people wonder why the entire world is slowly realizing that organized religion is stupid. TMZ reports:
Katy Perry WANTED Russell Brand to file the court papers in their divorce … because she didn’t want to upset her religious parents … sources connected to the former couple tell TMZ. We’re told … Katy and Russell knew the relationship was on the rocks a couple of months ago — but didn’t want to give up on the marriage without making a concerted effort to work things out. But the effort fell flat … with both sides feeling “it just wasn’t there.” We’re told both Katy and Russell were on board with the divorce a few weeks ago — but they didn’t want to be in town when the papers were filed … so he went back to England and she booked it to Hawaii. Since Katy’s parents are evangelical Christians, we’re told she didn’t want to be the one to “officially” end the marriage by filing the docs … since she was raised to believe divorce is wrong.
Sorry, maybe it’s because I haven’t had enough coffee yet, so I’m having a hard time catching up. But just to be clear in what they’re saying here, God is cool with you abandoning your career as a Christian singer to sell your soul for fame and fortune by jacking up your tits and singing about being a lesbian and writing songs with thinly-veiled lyrics about giving blowjobs to boost California’s tourism industry, but he’ll strike you dead if you even think about divorcing a sex addict who’s done enough heroin to kill a dragon? Wow. This God guy seems a little bipolar. Either that, or the people who follow him have no fucking idea what he’s telling them. Look, if you want to say you’re a Christian, then be a Christian. I’m all for it. But when you make it into a buffet lifestyle where you get to pick and choose which side dish of rules goes best with your hypocrisy and sanctimony to serve your own selfish needs, then you’re not fooling anybody, sweetie. Nice tits, though.
Maria Menounos is still in Miami, so that means she has more than one bikini. Because after living there for 8 months once, I know that’s all women wear in Miami. They also date club promoters and more than likely have a family member who is a Cuban refugee who might have just stabbed somebody while I was typing this. Maria Menounos isn’t Cuban, she’s Greek, so she probably couldn’t afford Maldives because weekly whole body laser hair removal treatments cost money. She does have a great ass though, and I just ordered a lamb gyro with extra cucumber sauce, so I feel like we’d have a lot to talk about. Hey, Maria. Call me.
Alex Rodriguez prefers blondes who are randomly tested for HGH, so we can totally believe the new rumor that he’s dating former WWE and WCW wrestler Torrie Wilson. People reports:
After former WWE beauty Stacy Keibler got a grasp on George Clooney, her pal Torrie Wilson, a former wrestling diva and a 2004 Playboy cover model, has been spending time with New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez. Before Christmas, all four joined other friends on a getaway to Cabo San Lucas, and Rodriguez and Wilson, both 36, on another occasion reportedly were seen riding bicycles in Miami. Then on Monday, Rodriquez and Wilson were working out in the same gym in her hometown of Boise, Idaho, says local TV anchor Mike Murad, who was also in the gym and Tweeted a photo of Rodriguez on an exercise bike. “I did speak with him briefly,” Murad tells the Idaho Statesman. “He didn’t tell me why he was here, but did tell me he was trying to keep a low profile.”
Besides every episode of Jackass, wrestling is probably the most homoerotic thing on television, so this really won’t do anything to stop the “Alex Rodriguez is gay” thing. Please keep in mind that this was best picture I could find of Torrie Wilson. I mean, she technically has tits, but let’s be honest, so does a cow.
Man, I don’t think anybody saw this coming. Hahaha, I’m totally kidding. We all did. MSNBC reports:
Rumors have been swirling for some time, but now it’s official. Comedian and actor Russell Brand and singer Katy Perry have filed for divorce. Brand cites “irreconcilable differences” in the petition, filed in Los Angeles. The 36-year-old British comedian told AP on Friday: “Sadly, Katy and I are ending our marriage. I’ll always adore her and I know we’ll remain friends.” The couple wed Oct. 23, 2010, in a traditional Hindu ceremony near the tiger sanctuary in India where Brand had proposed.
If this site has taught you anything, it’s that I like skinny brunettes with big tits. But one more thing its taught you is that as soon as a celebrity couple comes out in interviews and talk shows and say they love each other very much and that their marriage is perfectly fine, that means they’ve already been talking to lawyers for at least two months. I hope nobody is shocked by this news. If you are, I’m sure Russell Brand would call you to talk you down and tell you everything will be okay, but he might be busy jerking off in a high school girl’s mouth at the moment.
After divorcing his wife of 17 years in 2006 then buying the Charlotte Bobcats, North Carolina and NBA legend (and worst dressed millionaire in history) Michael Jordan, got engaged to his girlfriend of three years, Cuban-American model Yvette Prieto. WCNC reports:
One of Charlotte’s most eligible bachelors is now engaged, NewsChannel 36 has learned. Charlotte Bobcats majority owner and NBA legend Michael Jordan got engaged on Christmas, a Jordan spokeswoman first confirmed to WCNC Thursday afternoon. Several celebrity gossip websites reported MJ proposed to longtime girlfriend Yvette Prieto recently. Jordan was spotted courtside at the Bobcats game against the Bucks on Monday with friend and New York Yankees baseball star Derek Jeter.
She must hate when MJ wants to have anal sex. Because when she pushes him off the refs will call a foul.
#1 should be #1 on every top-ten list. Even lists that have nothing to do with basketball:
This video could also be called “Top 10 Reasons Why LeBron Will Never Be Jordan”.
Charlotte Bobcats’ rookie Kemba Walker breaking ankles in his first NBA game. Michael Jordan approves:
Rihanna is in Barbados right now and being in Barbados means being in a bikini in English I think. Not pictured is the shark who jumped up later and punched her in the face and bit her leg off. Oh, don’t worry. She’s fine. She forgave him and they’re flirting back and forth on Twitter now.
Earlier this week, Dina Lohan made a huge point to tell everyone that Lindsay would not be hosting any NYE parties because she wants to focus on her sobriety and not get arrested again, but then the very next day it was announced that Lindsay would be hosting a NYE party in Dubai with Pamela Anderson. What incredible timing! No Lindsay plans to sue over these salacious lies. TMZ reports:
Lindsay Lohan will ring in 2012 at a RAGING PARTY in Dubai — so says an overseas party planning company … but TMZ has learned Lohan claims it’s totally full of crap and now she’s threatening legal action. Sources connected to Lohan tell us … the actress was PISSED when she learned her name is being used to promote a massive NYE bash on the Queen Elizabeth 2 cruise ship in Dubai … because it’s simply not true. We’re told Lindsay’s legal team is pounding out a cease and desist letter — claiming she’s prepared to sue the pants off the party people if they continue to lie about Lohan’s NYE plans. Lohan’s rep, Steve Honig, tells TMZ … “Lindsay is not going to Dubai, nor had she ever considered doing so. She will be spending New Year’s Eve in Los Angeles with a few close friends and family.”
Ok, I’m going to blatantly speculate on this whole thing solely based on the fact that Lindsay is a conniving drug addict who lies constantly. Ready? Lindsay agreed to host the party in Dubai and probably took a chunk of money of front, but the probation department denied her request to leave the country, so now she’s “spending New Year’s Eve in Los Angeles with a few close friends and family” because that’s what Lindsay Lohan would rather be doing on NYE instead of jumping off a solid gold T-Rex into a swimming pool filled with uncut blow. Of course. Staying at home with friends and family sounds just like Lindsay.
Maria Menounos has been around forever (yet she’s only 33) and I’m still not exactly sure what she does. I know she’s on television holding a microphone a lot and I know her last name’s spellcheck suggestion is “menopause”. So in addition to the wealth of information I just shared with you about somebody you kinda know from that one thing maybe, here’s that somebody in a bikini in Miami yesterday. I don’t know. She probably should have started doing this a long time ago. She could have rocketed to fame and hosted something with Mario Lopez by now.
For those of you who didn’t spot this photo earlier this week, that’s Kong Kardashian before she was, well, Kong. She wants to go back to that. Guess who won’t let her? Radar Online reports:
Khloe Kardashian wants to dye her hair again, as she did earlier this year when she briefly turned a redhead, but her momager, Kris Jenner, and E! won’t let her change her luscious locks, RadarOnline.com is exclusively reporting. … Khloe dyed her hair a gorgeous shade of red earlier this year, but she was forced almost immediately to go back to her darker locks because of filming on the E! reality shows. Khloe told her fans on her blog: “Hi dolls. I was just looking at pics of me with my red hair and I got kind of sad LOL. It was such a fun, new look for me– I really miss it!!!! So I figured I would do a little gallery devoted to my short-lived redhead look!!” Khloe wants to dye her hair again, back to blonde this time, but Kris has said she can’t because filming of Keeping Up With The Kardashians is going to begin right after New Year’s Eve. “Khloe just wants to simply change her hair color, she has been leaning towards going blonde this time. She has wigs that she owns and when she dons the blonde locks, Lamar LOVES it. Lamar thinks his wife should be able to have her hair whatever color she wants. Practically every woman in Dallas is blonde, and Khloe just thinks it would be fun for her to do,” a family insider tells RadarOnline.com. The rebellious Kardashian gal has even inquired if E! can legally dictate her hair color, and the answer is, yes! “E! has a very strict contract with the entire family. Before any physical changes are made on any of the family members during times when the shows are shooting, they must be approved by the network. Executives at E! want Khloe to remain a brunette so that it doesn’t date the series when it reruns. The suits want all of the sisters to have a similar look because the girls are branded as sisters, and having one of them showing up on screen with hair a different color, throws that off, and they don’t want to alienate viewers,” the source says.
So what if she looks like a bloated Hilton sister? If Kim’s sham marriage and water sports didn’t alienate viewers, I don’t see how Khloe’s hair color will. If anything it should open the show up to a new audience of bastards and adopted kids whose own parents don’t even love them.