Jerry Sandusky: “I’m Not A Pedophile. Well, Kinda. I Mean, Kids Are Sexy If That’s What You’re Asking.”

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Jerry Sandusky, the former Penn State assistant football coach and heir apparent to Joe Paterno who raped away a legendary institution, went on NBC News’ Rock Center on Monday night after agreeing to be interviewed by Bob Costas AND OH GOD WTF?! Huffington Post reports:

In an interview with Bob Costas, Sandusky, once considered the heir apparent to coaching legend Joe Paterno, proclaimed his innocence in the face of a series of startling allegations detailed in a grand jury report issued last week. “I am innocent of those charges,” Sandusky said. “… I could say that I have done some of those things. I have horsed around with kids. I have showered after workouts. I have hugged them, and I have touched their legs without intent of sexual contact.” Sandusky is accused of sexually assaulting eight boys over a 15-year span, with some of the alleged crimes happening at Penn State, where he had access to campus as an emeritus professor following his 1999 retirement as Paterno’s top defensive assistant. Asked whether he was sexually attracted to underage boys, he said “sexually attracted, no. I enjoy young people, I love to be around them, but, no, I’m not sexually attracted to young boys.” Asked if there was anything he had done wrong, Sandusky said, “I shouldn’t have showered with those kids.”

Umm…duh. I’m not attracted to amputee burn victims, so that’s why I make it a point not to take showers with them while hugging them and caressing their thighs. Then raping them. If I did, people might get the wrong idea. With the idea being that I’m sexually attracted to amputee burn victims so I rape them. If you’re gonna rape little boys, at least have the decency to have a theme park and a zoo at your house. A bouncy house full of money for the parents also helps.

“You tried these new Berries and Cream Starburst?” – Jerry Sandusky to himself, just to see if this would happen.

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