Nothing, and I mean nothing, will stand in the way of a whore and her money, so in the span of 100 days, Kris Jenner has been doing what she does best. Milking E! for every dime she can squeeze, manipulating the media, and leaking stories to turn Kris Humphries from the man of Kim’s dream into a verbally abusive asshole who hates fatties because he’s apparently been a homosexual all this time. Goddamn. You’d need to dig up and reanimate John Wilkes Booth to carry out an assassination plot better than this one.
A gay dude in the hospital with pneumonia? Interesting. I’ve never heard of that before. E! reports:
When it comes to his health, George Michael’s doctors have faith. A week after the pop star was hospitalized in Vienna after being diagnosed with pneumonia, the medical team caring for him insists the singer is on the mend. “We are happy to announce that Mr. Michael is improving steadily with an impressive regression of pneumonic symptoms and follows a steady rate of improvement as hoped,” doctors Gottfried Locker and Christoph Zielinski said in a statement. “There are no other health issues with regards to the patient other than the underlying pneumonic disorder, and no further measures had to be taken.”
George Michael has been arrested twice for trolling for cock in a public toilet, and according to most medical journals, that’s one of the leading causes of pneumonia. They also spell it “AIDS” sometimes.
There's really not much left to say about Sophie Howard and her insanely massive rack except that she could probably breastfeed every one of those kids in those commercials with flies in their eyes. Somebody should look into that. 70 cents a day is just asking way too much in this economy.
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The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show aired last night, and if you’re unsure what that is, it’s when female physical perfection prance around in lingerie while you stab yourself in the leg with your keys because you really want to finish that tray of cupcakes. Because you don’t look like them. And you probably never will. It’s ok, though. I’m sure your boyfriend loves you in sweatpants and doesn’t think about Miranda Kerr when he’s having sex with you. I’m sure of it.
Miranda Kerr, Lily Aldridge, and Alessandra Ambrosio at the VS Viewing Party. I get a lot of comments saying they’re not real women. I didn’t know that. They must be some kind of sexy robots.
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Sarah Jessica Parker attended the 2011 UNICEF Snowflake Ball last night where I assume she was there to hand our poison apples to every other chick in the room. Please keep in mind that on Sex In The City, every single guy in NYC are falling over themselves to hit this. This. When asked for comment, Rick Grimes said, “Look, that’s not Sarah anymore.”
Determined on making your wait at TSA just a little longer over the next 18 years, Kourtney Kardashian has revealed that she is pregnant with her second child by Scott Whathisfuck. Us Magazine reports:
The E! reality star, 32, took a pregnancy test about five weeks ago — and woke up Disick, 28 (not a morning person!), around 7.a.m. to tell him the positive results. “Now I’m nine weeks along,” Kardashian tells Us. “You’re supposed to wait 12 weeks to tell people, but I feel confident.” The son or daughter-to-be will be the second child for the couple of five years, whose son Mason, nearly 2, was a bit of a surprise. Not so much for baby number two, the happy couple tells Us. “It wasn’t like we weren’t trying,” Disick, 28, says. “We kind of just said, ‘If it’s meant to be, it’ll be.’”
I guess she couldn’t wait the extra three weeks to get her check from Us Magazine. I really can’t blame her. Scott’s ascots and Mason’s laser hair removal treatments and splinter cell meetups cost money you know.
Kim Kardashian told Glamour that thinks she’s not meant to have kids. Via Us Weekly:
“I believe in love and the dream of having a perfect relationship, but my idea of it has changed,” says Kim, 31, who filed for divorce on Oct. 31 after just 72 days of marriage to Humphries, 26. “I think I need to not live in a fairy tale like that. I think I maybe need to just snap out of it and be a little more realistic.” Although happily married sister Khloe, 27, tries to dissuade Kim from those dark thoughts (“I know you will get [love] again,” she says), the mini-mogul says she needs to be “realistic…that what I want isn’t possible.” And that means, perhaps, no children of her own. “At first I was like, I want six kids. Then I went down to four, then I was down to three.and now I’m like, maybe I won’t have any,” she says glumly. “Maybe I’ll just be a good aunt…At this moment in my life, I feel like maybe I’m not supposed to have kids and all that.” Interjects Khloe: “Oh my God. Don’t be dramatic all of a sudden!” “That’s how I feel,” insists Kim, whose sister Kourtney has a son Mason, nearly 2, with love Scott Disick. “Maybe my fairy tale has a different ending than I dreamed it would. But that’s OK.”
In Kim’s defense, her life does have a lot of fairy tale elements: a dead father, an evil matriarch, an ugly sister and ogre hybrid, and a troll. Though it looks like she got Cinderella mixed in with Rumplestiltskin. Instead of spinning straw into gold, she spun a golden shower into a princess complex and a plastic surgery habit.
James Bond is human. Radar Online reports:
In a candid interview with the January issue of GQ magazine, the British actor branded the famous family as “f**king idiots,” and RadarOnline.com has a preview of his no holds barred interview. The cutting comments came as 43-year-old Craig opened up for the first time about his marriage to fellow Brit, Rachel Weisz, who he secretly wed last June. “I think there’s a lot to be said for keeping your own counsel,” he told the monthly men’s magazine. “It’s not about being afraid to be public with your emotions or about who you are and what you stand for. But if you sell it off it’s gone. You can’t buy it back – you can’t buy your privacy back. “‘Ooh I want to be alone.’ F*** you!” he said vehemently. “We’ve been in your living room. We were at your birth. You filmed it for us and showed us the placenta and now you want some privacy?” As an example of his disgust with celebrities who sell out so blatantly for fame, Craig name checked Kim Kardashian and her clan. “Look at the Kardashians, they’re worth millions. I don’t think they were that badly off to begin with but now look at them,” he explained. “You see that and you think, ‘What, you mean all I have to do is behave like a f***ing idiot on television and then you’ll pay me millions?’ “I’m not judging it – well, I am obviously,” the witty Brit concluded.
Normally I’d roll my eyes and suggest that if he didn’t want to be famous that he could do dinner theater in North Dakota, but this is Daniel Craig. As if I didn’t love him enough for being the best Bond since Connery, Daniel Craig has to go and prove, once more, that he gives no fucks.
Also, for all two of you who think reality TV is real, watch this — you can skip to 1:30.
Herman Cain, candidate for the 2012 U.S. Republican Party presidential nomination, sounds like Uncle Ben or the old guy in your neighborhood who fixes cars after he just left a 2 for 1 sale at Men’s Wearhouse, and apparently that’s attractive to women. So much so that bitches are coming out of the damn woodwork claiming sexual harassment and misconduct during his time as CEO of the National Restaurant Association in the late 1990s, and one woman, Ginger White, says she carried on a 13-year affair with Cain that ended before he announced his presidential campaign. He should have come up with a 9-9-9 plan for all this. National Review Online reports:
In a conference call this morning, Herman Cain told his senior staff that he is “reassessing” whether to remain in the race. He told them he will make his final decision “over the next several days.”
I’m not going to sit here and say having sex with someone other than your wife is wrong, but it might not be the best idea to get all pious and preach family, faith, and moral fortitude then try to finger bang some chick at a conference before you run for President. It might not also be the best idea to show more respect to unborn babies than you do your own wife. Much like Clinton, maybe Cain should have waited to buy those cigars until after he got elected.
Since most Americans are mindless idiots who believe anything they see or hear as long they can get a $2 waffle iron and a gun permit, last night’s season premiere of Kourtney & Kim Take New York pulled in 3.2 million viewers (up 6% from last year). And as expected, Kris Jenner and E! made damn fucking sure Kris Humphries looked more evil than Jerry Sandusky and Hitler tag teaming a 5-year old. Radar Online reports:
“Kris did jokingly say that Kim ate too much wedding cake, but what viewers didn’t see was Kim nagging Kris about working. “There was nothing he could do about the NBA lockout, he was working out, and getting ready for the upcoming season, and he is a free agent. It was actually Kim’s idea that Kris go back to Minnesota to train and give them some distance. Kris wasn’t getting any sleep at all with Mason’s playroom literally set up outside their bedroom door. It made no sense for Mason’s play area to be on the second floor of the suite Kim, Kris, Scott and Kourtney were staying in. Scott and Kourtney were staying downstairs, and Scott felt that the producers of the show were just trying to provoke him into reactions.” As RadarOnline.com previously reported, Kim worked closely with the show producers to ensure she was portrayed in a positive light, and her estranged NBA hubby as a “lazy and insensitive” villain. “Kris wasn’t surprised that he was made to look bad. He will just be relieved when the show is over, and his divorce is final,“ the source tells RadarOnline.com. “Kris is focusing on signing a NBA contract and getting back to work.”
New York Post adds:
Kardashian and Humphries are not speaking, with the friend adding, “They are only communicating through lawyers. They won’t become friends, but they are not enemies.” Sources close to Humphries said the show was edited to make him look bad. One source said, “It is completely staged. He went from being sweet and playful to verbally abusive and mean-spirited. It is no coincidence that Kris Jenner is an executive producer. They are doing this to save Kim’s career.”
It’s pretty easy to paint yourself as the victim when you have total control and final edit of the footage. And to be clear, Kris Humphries is the only one involved in this story with an actual job, yet he’s the lazy one. They got married during the NBA lockout. What was he supposed to do, call Tron and see if he could get inside NBA 2K12? Whatever. Fuck this whole family. It’s a good think my grandma is almost finished cutting the crust off my peanut and jelly sandwich or I would be really upset over all this right now.