Earlier this month, I posted a picture of Nicolas Cage from the Civil War proving that the undead walk among us. Now, here’s John Travolta. Presumably with his original hairline.
In case your job had you mining helium-3 on the far side of the Earth’s moon recently, you’ve probably heard that Ashton Kutcher and his undead, mummy wife (Demi Moore, fyi) are on the brink of divorce because Demi Moore’s ancient vagina can’t be fixed by plastic surgery. Apparently, Kutcher prefers 23-year old vagina. Specifically, the 23-year vagina of blonde, Sara Leal (this ravishing beauty). Let’s take a guess if she’s an opportunistic, gold digging whore, shall we? Page Six reports:
Ashton Kutcher is being asked to pay a six-figure sum to a blonde who claims she had sex with him on the same day he and wife Demi Moore celebrated their sixth wedding anniversary. Sara Leal, 23, is preparing to tell the story of how she hooked up with “Two and a Half Men” star Kutcher, 33, at the Hard Rock Hotel in San Diego last Friday, following a boozy night with his guy friends, according to a report on thedirty.com. Now Leal has met with Beverly Hills lawyer Keith Davidson, who represented former Betty Ford worker Dawn Holland after she complained Lindsay Lohan attacked her. Holland dropped her claim after settling with Lohan’s camp, reportedly for $25,000. A source told us, “Sara is talking to multiple media outlets for a deal. She wants $250,000, but the offers haven’t been as high. What she really wants is to get a payoff from Ashton. She has reached out to Ashton’s team.”
Wait, you mean a chick fucked a famous, married guy and now wants a huge payday because she thinks she’s too pretty and entitled to work? I hope she gets it for all the pain and suffering she’s been through. Trying to get calculations right in Excel and looking up lawyers in the phone book takes a lot out of a person.
When you’re a grown man and live in your older sister’s guestroom then go get a mani pedi when you’re on a break from competing in a ballroom dancing show, I’m pretty sure the tattoos and the wigger hat are more to convince yourself than it is to convince others.
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When your body is physical perfection, sometimes people want you to be on the cover of their magazine. So here’s Rosie Jones on the new issue of Zoo. This is almost like the time I was on the cover of Southern Living for my famous lemon cookies. My grandma says that’s just one more reason why I’m such a catch. That and when I cry during my Grey’s Anatomy viewing parties. She says I should have a girlfriend in no time.
Since George Lucas needs redemption for the last Indiana Jones movie and the last three Star Wars movies and for killing that homeless man that one time, here’s Kelly Brook dressed as Indiana Jones. This is actually pretty cool, because for Halloween I’m going as Todd Croft, Womb Raider. I hope everyone can see the correlation.
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Instead of bothering to complete the remaining 448 of her 480 hours of community service that she was sentenced to in April, here’s Lindsay Lohan leaving Raspoutine nightclub last night in Paris. But in Lindsay’s defense, they let you get drunk and do blow in the bathroom at nightclubs.
Note: Lindsay’s first probation progress hearing was in July where Judge Stephanie Sautner was vocally frustrated and impatient with Lindsay for completing only four days of her sixty days of community service. During the hearing, Sautner told Lindsay that she would “not accept any more excuses”. Lindsay’s next progress hearing is scheduled for October 17. She’s still only completed four days. This should be fun.
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After not knowing she existed a month ago, Violet Budd has now been on the site twice this week. I hope this shows her that I’m not afraid of commitment. And since women like reading into things, if she could also somehow take that to mean I have a big penis and enjoy licking vagina a great deal, then that would be fantastic.
The People of the State of California v. Conrad Robert Murray, Michael Jackson‘s personal physician’s manslaughter trial, started yesterday, and the bottom banner picture was the first picture in the prosecution’s opening slide show. The top banner picture is the actual photo. So, to recap, they want the jury to think that a doctor drugged a raging child molester with alprazolam, sertraline, omeprazole, hydrocodone, paroxetine, carisoprodol, and hydromorphone until he became an impotent zombie who died by a violent cardiac arrest. I’m not a lawyer, but I don’t think they thought this through. It might not be a good sign when a jury cheers and waves giant foam hands that say “Conrad Murray is #1!” on them.
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When you’re 26 and play the ugly one in a bunch of shitty Disney Channel musicals about high school, you probably think you could walk around Beverly Hills completely unnoticed while the paparazzi run over you to take pictures of actual beautiful celebrities. And understandably so. Because, let’s be honest here, it’s Ashley Tisdale. She could fall into a vat of chemicals or get set on fire then show up to the set the next day and everybody would only think to ask if she’d done something different with her hair.
Like any good attention whore, Kim Kardashian wore a see through top to go bowling in New York last night. Because I guess she wants to make us forget she’s married and will turn 31 in a month, leaving her about two quality years left before she crashes into the proverbial wall that every woman hits like the Kool-Aid Man that makes them look like a woman in their 30s thereby rendering them completely irrelevant. In the meantime, Kendall is doing kegel exercises and learning how to identify money and rich black men using only her sense of smell. The only one of the Kardashian sisters who will be able to survive after 30 is actually Khloe. That is of course if she accepts Japan’s offer to protect them from Mothra or signs a deal to do a documentary with Diane Fossey.