At the age of 18, Olivia Wilde got married in a bus to an Italian prince. I know that sounds like I just pulled words out of a hat, but at 26, she now finds herself single for the first time in her adult life after getting a divorce this year. Apparently she thought she could ask a guy to the Sadie Hawkins dance by calling him on a rotary phone then maybe go the skating rink after so they could couple skate to Dru Hill and then get a milkshake afterward because she got a divorce and still thought it was the 90′s. She also has a gigantic forehead, but that’s really beside the point. Daily Mail reports:
Wilde, who has been linked to Justin Timberlake, Bradley Cooper and Ryan Gosling since her split, told Nylon magazine: ‘Dating is new to me.’ She says it has especially hard in the modern world, where much communication is done via cell phones and email. ‘I see the whole thing like someone who’s been in a coma and I’ve come out like, ‘Wait, people text message? They text love? How do you text about love??’ she said. Her comments come as she recently told Marie Claire that dating is like ‘entering a shark pool.’ ‘I’m trying to be adult, entering the shark pool of dating. But I’m hopeless at it,’ said. In the Nylon interview, Wilde also insists she has put on a few pounds since her marriage ended, saying her ‘fat jeans’ are now not so loose any more. ‘I got a divorce and self medicated with food,’ she said. ‘But I figure that’s better than self-medicating with crack cocaine.’
You don’t really text love as much as you do your tits, and if a guy loves them he will ask you out. But I never text my dick because I’m a gentleman and I would rather share it with a woman that I respect and love. I’m just kidding. I don’t text my dick because it’s really small.
Content on bringing you boring photoshoots of actresses you may recognize from that one movie you saw that one time, Leelee Sobieski, Kat Dennings, and Christina Ricci posed in the August 2011 issue of W Magazine. This issue really isn’t that exciting except for when it will be on the news later because a hipster bought it and jacked off so hard he died.
Because capitalizing on someone’s death is fun, photographer Terry Richardson released pictures of Amy Winehouse that he took in 2007 when she was just a junkie and not the beloved genius we all know and feign to love today. There’s a lot more, and you can see them here, but please keep in mind that none of the other pictures show Amy Winehouse pretending to fuck a chicken. So feel free to make fun of her if you want. She’s dead. She won’t mind.
Note: Seriously, what’s the criteria to become a dentist in England? Having your own hammer?
Since she’s not famous enough, Jasmine Waltz called the paparazzi and told them to meet her at a car wash. Because she’d be in a bikini. And she’d be eating ice cream afterward. Some of you may know Jasmine Waltz from the time she punched Lindsay Lohan in the face at Lindsay’s own birthday party at Voyeur. Or some of you may know Jasmine Waltz for being the chickDavid Arquette was banging after he split from Courteney Cox. Which will cause many people who read that last sentence to say, “Fuck you, David Arquette.”
Two days before her fiance Jay Cutlerdumped her, Kristin Cavallari did a photoshoot with Life & Style where she posed in wedding dresses. I was going to write a bunch of more stuff here but all I could really come up with was “LOL”.
I guess vitiligo was already taken. Us Magazine reports:
During the episode, Kardashian was diagnosed with psoriasis, a skin disorder that occurs in the form of red, flaky patches on the body — and a pestering beauty problem that her mother, Kris, has suffered from since the age of 30. “People don’t understand the pressure on me to look perfect,” Karashian, 30, said during the episode. “When I gain a pound, it’s in the headlines. Imagine what the tabloids would do to me if they saw all these spots?”
Uh, pressure to be perfect? From who? Her professor? Her medical internship? Or is it just this bitch is a fame whore who is only still famous because she’s tricked people into thinking she’s a flawless beauty so to stay famous she has to say she has some sort of skin disease so she won’t be questioned the next time she has plastic surgery and denies it. Ooh!! She has red spots on her skin! Let’s burn her at the stake before the world spins off its axis and the President puts a moratorium on cameras because Kim Kardashian didn’t take a nice picture.
I hope at least part of the coffin was made out of hemp. THR reports:
Amy Winehouse’s funeral will not be open to fans, her rep Chris Goodman says. “It will be a small, private event for a few friends and family,” Goodman tells CNN without revealing any more details. He told the UK Telegraph just “close friends and family” would be invited.
“Yeah, it should be a very nice service. We’re gonna bury her face down and throw a cross and maybe some garlic on her, because have you seen that banner pic Todd posted? What’s up with that?”, Chris Goodman went on to say.
Man, it’s a shame people won’t be able to pay good money to see this anymore:
Victoria’s Secret legend Alessandra Ambrosio was at a Santa Monica Pilates studio yesterday where she seemed to fully enjoy the body conditioning routine that helps to not only build flexibility, but also strength, endurance, and coordination in the legs, abdominals, arms and back. People who want to get in shape, but don’t want to go to a gym, should know that there are many alternatives out there so they shouldn’t feel discouraged or deal with the embarrassment of working out in front of others. There’s Pilates, yoga, cycling, swimming, and even walking! And that’s why I posted these pics, to show people that you don’t have to lift weig…haha, jk!! I posted these pics because she looks like she’s totally having sex, you guys!