Todd is out rubbing elbows with John Legend today, so hopefully he’ll learn to play “Mary Had A Little Lamb” on piano, because that’s more likely to get him laid than his current tactic of making fun of muscular calves. Anyhow, Jessica-Jane Clement is British and has a tattoo of a pinup girl, which makes her similar enough to the mess below to warrant her own post and to salvage your corneas. You’re welcome.
Amy Winehouse was thisclose to adopting a 10-year-old girl named Dannika Augustine from St. Lucia before she died. TMZ reports:
Dannika tells The Sunday Mirror, “Amy was already my mother. I would call her mum and she would call me her daughter. She took care of me and we had fun together. I loved her and she loved me … She was the most amazing person and I was looking forward to living with her here or in London. I cannot believe she is gone. This is the worst thing that ever happened to me.” Dannika’s grandmother Marjorie says she spoke to Amy a few weeks ago and that Amy planned to return to St. Lucia next month. She told the paper, “Amy wanted to have a child so bad. If she had not died, there is no doubt she would be here in St Lucia completing the adoption process. There is no way she would have done what she did to herself if Dannika was with her.” Both of Dannika’s parents had signed off on the adoption.
I don’t know why this girl’s parents bothered doing paperwork at all. If you’re willing to relinquish your 10-year-old to a self-destructive drug addict, you could save yourself a lot of time and money and just toss her to a pack of wolverines. The meat you have to tie around her neck would be a lot cheaper and more accessible than the smack you’d have to hide in her pockets for Amy to pay her any mind.
Lindsay Lohan went out again in Malibu last night with pals Paris and Nicky Hilton and she just couldn’t stand it — no, really … she fell down. Lindsay blamed her little trip on the paps, posting this on her Twitter page: “Omg, I’m so embarrassed, paparazzi just blinded me with flashes again, as I was walking into dinner. They pushed me and I tripped 🙁 hurt…”
Of course this isn’t Lindsay’s fault, even if she called the paparazzi ahead and then guzzled gin like it poured from the fountain of youth. Can’t a girl feel pretty without making excuses anymore? To her credit, booze is cheaper than both (more…)
Kim Kardashian hosted and filmed a wedding cake tasting where only Khloe actually tasted any cake. I guess “urinal” flavor wasn’t on the menu.
Soulja Boy just spent $55 million on a private jet. His net worth is estimated at roughly $23 million. Or maybe a little less than that now. Radar Online reports:
He may have just dropped a cool $55 million on a G-5 private plane, but Soulja Boy owes almost $30,000 in back taxes and RadarOnline.com has all the exclusive details. The 21-year-old, whose real name is DeAndre Way, has been celebrating his birthday in style, but meanwhile the tax man has been looking for him. According to official documents obtained by RadarOnline.com, the State of California filed a $26,805 tax lien against the singer on March 24, 2011. He also owed the State of Mississippi $3,571 in back taxes but he paid the full amount just last week on July 22, 2011. In other unfortunate news, his home in Georgia was foreclosed on last year, according to the Detroit News Tax Watchdog blog. Soulja Boy made the Forbes list as No. 18 on Hip-Hop’s top earners in 2010, with a reported $6 million earned from touring and ringtone downloads.
Update: TMZ reports, “Now, Soulja’s ‘spokesperson’ Greg Miller has issued a statement on behalf of the rapper … saying the ‘elaborate rumors’ are ‘not true.'”
I feel like Soulja Boy should at least get some credit for being consistent. He’s about as good at balancing a checkbook as he is at making music.
Newly single again Scarlett Johansson recently received an invite to a Marine Corps ball. Too bad it wasn’t in Haiti. The Los Angeles Times reports:
Scarlett Johansson is the latest Hollywood type to be invited to the Marine Corps Ball, this time to the Nov. 10 event in Albany, Ga. Perhaps rebounding from that whirlwind Sean Penn thing, or maybe even the Ryan Reynolds thing, Johansson declined. She cited a “prior commitment,” but the Ministry suspects something else was to blame: a high-concept video. Original inviter Sgt. Scott Moore, who asked Mila Kunis to his Nov. 18 event on a bet, stood in front of a camera in Afghanistan and simply asked. Cpl. Kelsey de Santis, who’s ball-bound with Justin Timberlake on Nov. 12, had a few burly fellow Marines as background, but essentially stood in front of a camera in Quantico, Va., and simply asked. Then things went south — quite literally, to video shoots in Texas and Georgia. Betty White declined the invitation of Sgt. Ray Lewis, whose video included various calisthenics and a costume change. Now “Avengers” actress Johansson says no to Sgt. Dustin L. Williams, whose video included various calisthenics and a picture of Johansson toasting with bubbly. White and Johansson both declined graciously — with the latter promising to send a case of Champagne to help Williams and his pals celebrate the Marine Corps’ birthday, and “Terminator” actress Linda Hamilton posting her own video offering to step into White’s party shoes.
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To be even more sensitive to the mood of the entire world, in one of the pictures they should have her naked in just a tarp and posing by a swamp. Or naked in a trunk. But definitely the swamp thing. CNN reports:
If Larry Flynt has his way, Casey Anthony could reintroduce herself — nude — to America on the pages of Hustler magazine, and make well over $500,000 in the process. The pornography magnate told HLN’s “Nancy Grace” show on Thursday night that talks are ongoing that could land Anthony on the pages of his magazine, weeks after a Florida jury acquitted her of murder in her 2-year-old daughter Caylee’s death…The Hustler magazine founder said that, after a jury cleared the 25-year-old woman on murder charges, he initially did not consider reaching out to her. But Flynt said his mind changed after being approached by “droves of men” as he was touring the country promoting his new book “One Nation Under Sex.” “They said, Why haven’t you made an offer? Why don’t you want to publish her pictures?” Flynt said. “They said, She’s a really attractive person … I’ve never seen that happen before.”…“You’ve got men who say hey, I want to see her in her birthday suit,” he said of the Anthony offer. “There may be some sick individuals … but that’s what life is all about.”
Eh, whatever. I’m just more excited about her finally winning her first Cold Body Contest.
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Ashley Greene went shopping in Beverly Hills yesterday, and I’d like to think if I happened to walk by and meet her, that I’d tell her that I was big fan and that I enjoy all of her movies. I haven’t even seen them. I’d tell her that Hollywood should recognize her as an actress not just a pretty face. Then she would twirl her hair and laugh and then we would talk about our common interests and find out we have a lot in common. We’d talk about our families and she’d lick her lips and I would gently stroke her arm as I mention in passing that I adopted a three-legged cat and saved him from a certain death. What? Oh, no. It’s something anybody would do. I’m no hero, Ashley. You know, then I’d throw her on the hood of her car and bang her. The end.
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Although seen stumbling out of a pub to buy any drug she could get her hands on by numerous witnesses the night before she died, Mitch Winehouse says his daughter died from not being able to drink alcohol. I believe Amy Winehouse died from seeing the sheer beauty of a unicorn because I’m also not a doctor and can make up complete shit not based on any medical fact. People reports:
Amy Winehouse’s struggles to quit drugs were well documented. But her family fears that sudden abstinence from alcohol might have been what led to her death last Saturday at age 27, according to a report. Winehouse ignored doctors’ advice to step back gradually from her heavy drinking and went cold turkey in the past month, an unnamed family friend tells Britain’s Sun. Her family believes that was too much of a shock to her system, the source adds. “Abstinence gave her body such a fright, they thought it was eventually the cause of her death,” says the source.
Right. Because if Amy Winehouse was known for anything it was her innate willpower and determination to stay away from drugs and alcohol. When she mumbled and fell down on stage all those times, she was just drunk with happiness and excited to start a new chapter in her life. Or she was just piss drunk and ready to get off stage because all audience’s credit card payments finally got captured so she had money to buy more heroin. There’s also that.
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During Lindsay Lohan‘s house arrest, she paid her debt to society by partying and having a $1,100 custom stereo system installed in her Venice apartment. But since Lindsay is a thief and kleptomaniac drug addict and alcoholic who’s more cash poor than Haiti, the installer, Stephen Clark, installed the stereo then never heard from Lindsay again. TMZ has transcripts of their email correspondence. Man, look at that! Here it is!
Clark: Hi Lindsay! Well, I sent you two invoices and several BBMs and texts. I have never heard back from you. So I guess you just aren’t going to pay for my labor or your equipment. I am sorry, but I cannot let that much money go.”
Lindsay: “Sorry!!I will have it to you this wk! I’m changing business managers and such so I’m trying to handle it asap.”
*Clark waiting for “ASAP”* *crickets*
Clark: “You’re a RECOVERING addict who goes to the santa monica probation dept. Should I share this as well?” And Clark continued, “You’re a born druggie!”
I’m sure Lindsay’s excuse will hold up in court. Because every small claims court judges know that Lindsay’s business manager has a key around his neck to Lindsay’s vault, and if Lindsay tried to go to an ATM cyborg pumas are trained to kill her. And if Lindsay tries to write a check then she’ll be cursed by a gypsy. Then werewolves will kill her family. These werewolves can’t be bargained with. They can’t be reasoned with. They don’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear! And they absolutely will not stop, ever, until her family are dead! C’mon, everybody knows this.
Update: Hey! She paid! It took a while because the only ATM that would take her card is in Mordor.