When you marry a woman who looks exactly like her brother Chace Crawford in drag and your wedding registry includes a silver, 3-Tier cupcake stand and a heart-shaped waffle maker, some tough questions need to be asked. With those questions being, “Dude, are you a fag?” and “Your wife’s gender reassignment surgery. She all done with that?” Shutdown Corner reports:
What do you get a millionaire quarterback and a former pageant queen for their wedding? If you were invited to the Memorial Day weekend nuptials of Tony Romo(notes) and Candice Crawford, the question was easily answered on the two online registries the couple created at Macy’s and Crate&Barrel…
On the Crate&Barrel registry alone, Romo and Crawford had 150 items from which to choose. One five oh. In retrospect, it may have just been easier to send invitees the spring catalog along with a note saying “send us anything.”
• And Crate&Barrel? Really? Was Target closed that day? C&B is a fine store, don’t get me wrong. It’s just that if you make millions of dollars and are hosting a wedding with hundreds of rich folks in attendance, don’t you think you’d walk the extra few steps in the mall to get to a Williams-Sonoma?
• Romo and Crawford asked for cheese plates, cupcake stands, salad bowls, chip and dip holders, and an ice bucket. Those should work out perfect for the Super Bowl party both will be available to host.
• They registered for three tea lights that cost 50 cents each. Dez Bryant(notes) is going to get a talking to from his financial manager if he bought the couple the $230 toaster instead of those candles.
• By my count, there were 54 items on the registry that were under $10, including the tea lights, some dishtowels and a small condiment prep cup. Who’s so cheap that they spend under $10 on a wedding gift? Bill Bidwell and Mike Brown weren’t invited, were they?
• A french fry holder and candle holder were on the registry. Can’t say I’m surprised Romo asked for help in holding on to things.
So basically they made people cancel their Memorial Day plans and spend all day at fucking Crate & Barrel to buy them shit they’ll open, look at, then use once every 15 years. You know, much like Dallas Cowboys fans’ playoff tickets.