You’re not gonna believe this, but as it turns out, Charlie Sheen has done several drugs not called “Charlie Sheen”. E! reports:
Sheen reveals in the latest issue of Sports Illustrated, “Let’s just say that I was enhancing my performance a little bit. It was the only time I ever did steroids.” The fired Two and a Half Men star says he took ‘roids for nearly two months to improve his athletic abilities and that he kicked it after losing control of his (already unstable) temper. “I did them for like six or eight weeks,” he continues. “You can print this, I don’t give a f–k. My fastball went from 79 [mph] to like 85.”
Can we even call this a story at this point? An unhinged lunatic who throws a tantrum when he doesn’t get his way and has to pay chicks who pose in motorcycle magazines to like him injected anabolic steroids into his body just to pretend to be a baseball player? Get outta here. What? Next you’re gonna tell me my penis is too small? C’mon, man. My cousin says that four inches is really big because she and a lot of women have really shallow vaginas.
Here’s more pics of Sara Underwood on a boat, but this time there’s way more vodka and way more rapidly declining awareness of her surroundings. If some guy didn’t use the “Sara Underwood” and “ATM” in the same sentence the next day, then I really don’t understand the point of having a boat with Sara Underwood on it if I can be totally honest here.
In the new issue of Lucky Magazine, Christina Hendricks talks about how hard it is to find a bathing suit that fits because she has huge tits. Yep. I’m sure that’s the reason. Us Magazine reports:
Christina Hendricks loves her curvy shape — but that doesn’t mean she always loves dressing it. “I have to be careful about my proportions and keep it simple,” the Mad Men star, 36, tells Lucky’s August issue. “What works for me is structure and something that shows my waist.” The biggest problem, she says, is finding swimwear that flatters her figure. “It’s really hard to find a bathing suit if you have breasts,” she explains. “You either get smooshed down or there’s no support. My husband [Geoffrey Arend] and I have sketched out designs.”
Right. Her tits are the problem. Because it’s rare that you see chicks with huge tits able to find a swimsuit that fits. You know, except for here, here, here, here, or millions of others pictures you can find by Googling “chicks with big tits in bikinis”. Christina Hendricks looks like this and this in a swimsuit. So, instead of being “careful about my proportions”, she should be more careful about her portions in the velociraptor cage. That way she won’t have to watch Little Mermaid and sketch the thing that the lady who stole Ariel’s singing voice wore.
Oh, btw. This picture was taken two days ago. Just throwing that out there:
Have you ever met a woman that you were attracted to based solely on her completely down-to-earth personality and hilarious wit? No? You haven’t? Me either. So luckily Christine Teigen looks like this when she posts pics to Twitter. And before you women start leaving bitter comments because you can’t understand how a woman can be this hot and this funny, please calm down and realize that she recreates dishes from 5-star restaurants in her New York City luxury apartment’s gourmet kitchen and travels around the world to exotic locations where she is photographed in skimpy bikinis when she’s not shopping. See, ladies? There’s really nothing to be jealous about.
“Diana At 50: If She Were Here Now”, a story in the new issue of Newsweek, includes a digitized rendering of Princess Diana walking with Kate Middleton. Princess Diana’s face has been aged to show what she would possibly look like if she had lived to be fifty, but this picture is way off. There’s no way Princess Diana’s head would fit inside that bag she’s carrying.
Since groups who are discriminated against have no influence and are cursed to live in hiding for fear of their lives, Tracy Morgan has spent the last month apologizing to whiny fags after GLAAD and LBGT touched cock rings and combined their gay power to turn him into acceptance and tolerance zombie for his joke during a Nashville show. Now, he’s under fire again for saying the word “retarded”. You know, because retarded people might get offended if they hear this while they’re drooling and chasing a butterfly or getting a medal for finishing 23rd in a 40-yard dash. Us Magazine reports:
Only weeks after profusely apologizing to the LGBT community for his homophobic rant at a stand-up performance in Nashville, he managed to offend another group of people: the mentally disabled. “Don’t ever mess with women who have retarded kids,” Morgan, 42, said Saturday night at a performance in New York City, as reported by the New York Times. As groans of “uh-oh” were heard in the crowd, he continued, “Them young retarded males is strong. They’re strong like chimps.“
Tracy should really change up his act to make it funnier. Maybe Tracy can talk about the differences between white people and black people (LOL black people like chicken! And white people are uptight!). Or maybe he can find a magic amulet and turn himself into a woman so he can make jokes about his period (omg! I bleed for five days and don’t die! haha isn’t that funny??!) Or maybe he can talk about how his cat thinks he’s human. Or maybe he can say how he just flew in from NYC and boy are his arms tired! Haha, that one always kills!!
If you don’t follow Sara Underwood on Twitter, 1.) you’re an idiot, and 2.) you’re possibly also gay so go ahead and move to NY and see if you can get on a float. I have no idea who owns this boat, but I really hope he had a giant flag attached to it out of frame that read “USS DEM TITTAYS”.
Up until last year, Halle Berry was known as the Oscar-winning actress most likely to get gang raped if she ever stepped foot outside her house without a security detail. Then she broke up with Gabriel Aubry and they had to decide on a custody agreement. Then she got fucking crazy (here and here). They’re in court now. This should turn out well. TMZ reports:
Halle Berry is in family court right now, doing battle with Gabriel Aubry over custody of their 3-year-old daughter, Nahla. Halle’s lawyer filed a very thick stack of documents a few minutes ago, outlining trouble she’s had with Gabriel. We’re told the document lists Gabriel’s alleged failings as a dad. Gabriel didn’t show up, but his lawyer is there.
People need to learn there is a child’s well-being at stake, so instead of a lengthy court battle, they should turn to God’s word. Let the judge be like wise King Solomon. And tell the bailiff to hold the baby upside down and cut it in half with a sword. And whoever screams the loudest loves the baby more. Because, after all, it’s a child’s life. There’s really no reason to bring present facts or have logical discourse about the child’s well being. Put it in God’s hands.
Since doing two things at once is apparently very difficult, Rihanna fell on stage in LondonEdmonton during her Loud tour the other night. “The floor would never hurt me, he loves me. Sometimes I get out of line and say things and he has to smack me around, but that’s normal. All couples go through that. It doesn’t mean he loves me any less. You don’t know him like I do. I know he cares for me and I know he’ll change but…shhhh. Shhhh!! He’s coming. He’s coming! Go hide! HIDE!,” Rihanna was quoted as saying backstage.
Look, I’m not saying Kate Upton is about to hit a wall, but after these pictures of her at the Horrible Bosses premiere and these from two weeks ago, somebody should probably buy her a neck brace pretty soon. Preferably an upgrade over Dale Earnhardt’s.