Samantha Ronson Just Got Hotter

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If you didn’t think Samantha Ronson was a picture of striking femininity and beauty before, well hold on to your fucking hat! People reports:

It’s a scary picture: Samantha Ronson’s face banged up and her lip split after a bike accident on Saturday. The DJ, 33, posted the photo on Monday as a warning: “Wear a helmet kids!!!” “You should see what I looked like on Saturday,” she tells a Twitter follower. She adds with a smiley face emoticon: “Just a little uglier than usual. Other than that, Vicodin is handling the rest.”

Unless you have testicular cancer or named Debo, there’s no reason you should be in your 30s and riding a bicycle. Or a skateboard. Or rollerblades. Some guy named Ford, I don’t know if you heard of him, invented the car a while back. Ooh, look at you father of two doing tricks on your bike! Ooh, look at you surgeon saving the Earth by riding a 10-speed! Now watch me run you over because I thought your hand signals were because you were pointing and wanted me to look at something.

Dear Bicycle Enthusiasts Who Have Been Emailing Me,

Please stop wrapping yourself in the yellow jersey of “I RIDE A BIKE AND YOU PAY $4 FOR GAS HAHAHAHA!!”. You riding a bike in no way, I repeat, in no way, will magically solve the energy crisis or bring the price of oil down. Keep riding your bikes if you want to your glass blowing class or in a group activity with your commune to scout locations for your next friendship hut. I’ll drive. Mostly because I have shit to do and don’t have time to pedal through a meadow to get where I need to be. Time is of the essence in my life, I’m afraid. Also, yes, riding a bike is exercise. I think we all learned that before we had driver’s licenses. But, as it turns out, it’s not the only exercise you can do (i know, right?!). So calm down. Go make sure your bike lock is on tight, then go take a Xanax.

Love,
Todd

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