As you might have already heard, President Barack Obama released his long form birth certificate yesterday, because with two wars, a doomed economy, and natural disasters ripping the world to shreds, where the President was born is an issue we should be concerned about. In their defense, I can understand why a lot of Republicans don’t think Obama is American. He’s intelligent and exercises regularly. White House blog says:
In 2008, in response to media inquiries, the President’s campaign requested his birth certificate from the state of Hawaii. The state sent the campaign the President’s birth certificate, the same legal documentation provided to all Hawaiians as proof of birth in state, and the campaign immediately posted it on the internet. That birth certificate can be seen here (PDF). When any citizen born in Hawaii requests their birth certificate, they receive exactly what the President received. In fact, the document posted on the campaign website is what Hawaiians use to get a driver’s license from the state and the document recognized by the Federal Government and the courts for all legal purposes. That’s because it is the birth certificate. This is not and should not be an open question. The President believed the distraction over his birth certificate wasn’t good for the country. It may have been good politics and good TV, but it was bad for the American people and distracting from the many challenges we face as a country. Therefore, the President directed his counsel to review the legal authority for seeking access to the long form certificate and to request on that basis that the Hawaii State Department of Health make an exception to release a copy of his long form birth certificate.
So this should settle it once and for all, but, of course, it won’t. Because Conservatives and Tea Partiers are convinced, while their 401Ks are being funneled into a CEO’s offshore account and their homes are being auctioned off, that Obama is Satan quoting Karl Marx who has the audacity to steal their pretend millions they might make one day to help a poor person have decent health insurance. You know, because nothing says pure unadulterated evil like universal healthcare. But can’t they just say, “But…but…he’s a NIGGER! CAN’T ANYONE SEE THAT?! WE HAVE AN AFRICAN NIGGER IN THE WHITE HOUSE!!”. I mean, for real. That’s pretty much what all this is about. If I was Obama, I would have ripped Trump’s toupee off his head and wiped my fucking ass with it. He’s the President, not some kid with a fake ID trying to get a 40oz at the corner store. So, relax white people. If it takes your mind off it, I performed an abortion on a Baptist teenager while burning the flag and my W-2s today.
After being arrested because his wife was being a difficult, hard-headed bitch, a child abuse detective was called to investigate Nicolas Cage after witnesses say watched him “pull his 5-year-old son to the ground”. TMZ reports:
According to the police report, Cage’s wife Alice told police she and Nic had been arguing on the night of April 15 “due to his intoxicated state” … when they went to pick up their son from a friend’s house. FYI — Alice was in the driver’s seat. Alice told cops … she and Nic continued to argue until they arrived at their home — at which point she claims, “Mr Cage fell while holding their son. The fall caused the 5 year old to suffer a minor abrasion to his left knee.” But a witness told cops a slightly different story — saying he saw “Mr. Cage pull the male child to the ground by his hand.” According to the report, “A child abuse detective was notified.” Cops say they wanted to interview Cage’s son — but Alice wouldn’t let that happen. As for Cage, cops described him as “hysterical” and “irrational” when they interviewed him after the incident.
I hope everyone involved is being investigated, because it’s always a good idea to stand around and watch a 5-year old child with an unhinged drunk and a shrieking Asian woman. Or maybe they thought he was an Avatar. Who must put his childhood ways aside and stop the Fire Nation from enslaving the Water, Earth and Air nations. Hurry before it’s too late!
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Don’t get me wrong, if every woman looked like Sophie Turner there would be no wars or hunger or famine and Jesus would look down and have no need to come back down because he would smile and see that all was good. Look, don’t ask questions. But if you’re gonna do Playboy, do fucking Playboy. What is, this the Nordstrom catalog? The chicks at Playboy put on clothes “after hours”? I don’t get it. Whatever. I’m just glad we broke out a new pose, because you know when you draw on the corner of a bunch of pages then flip the pages really fast then those pictures tell a story? If you stack up all Sophie Turner’s pictures then flip them really fast they tell the story of how her back her arched and her ass is in the air.
In the last four years, Lindsay Lohan has received two DUIs, been found in possession of cocaine twice, fled the scene of an accident, carjacked a Denali and chased her assistant and her assistant’s mother down PCH at 120mph before doing circles around their car in the middle of the freeway, been to rehab six times, blew a stop sign and almost hit a baby stroller then sped off, got drunk at Betty Ford and assaulted an employee then paid her off to keep quiet, took a $2,500 necklace from a jewelry store (on camera) and only seemed interested in returning it when the police issued a search warrant, and has done nothing but shit in the judge’s face every time she’s condescended to show up for court. Usually late. So you can see how being finally held responsible for her actions can come as a complete shock to Lindsay. She even said so on Jay Leno. Radar Online reports:
Lindsay Lohan called her 120-day jail sentence “shocking” and said it left her “kind of numb.” The 24-year-old Mean Girls star, speaking to Jay Leno Monday in a surprise Tonight Show appearance that will air Tuesday, was wildly cheered by the studio audience upon her arrival, and even received a standing ovation.
And of course, Lindsay’s delusional, cracked out mind still believes all of this is because the evil justice system is out to get her. TMZ reports:
Lindsay Lohan believes prosecutor Danette Meyers is on a “witch hunt” against her, and is praying the Deputy D.A. makes good on what she asked the judge — drop out of the case. Sources in contact with Lindsay tell us … Lindsay believes she’s become a living, breathing press release for Meyers, who is running for L.A. County District Attorney.
There are several flaws in Lindsay’s theory. First, Meyers asked Judge Stephanie Sautner Friday to remove her from the case. Since the judge knocked the felony charge down to a misdemeanor, Meyers assumed the case would be transferred to the L.A. City Attorney. But the judge noted the D.A. can still prosecute the case if it wants to … so Meyers’ request was denied. Second flaw — Meyers has prosecuted hundreds of big cases in her more than 2 decades as a prosecutor, and is extremely well-respected, so she really doesn’t need a misdemeanor theft case all that much.
Please keep in mind, that will all the shit she’s done, without one ounce of sincere remorse, Lindsay has still only served 15 days and 84 minutes in jail. If anything, the L.A. justice system is bending over backwards to keep her dumb ass OUT of jail with no punishment whatsoever. But at some point, they can’t keep giving this stupid bitch chance after chance after chance to realize the world doesn’t revolve around her and maybe, just maybe, she should stop doing illegal shit. Danette Meyers has prosecuted over two-hundred jury trials (including well over 60+ felony cases including murder, kidnapping, attempted murder, bank robbery, and death penalty cases). You really think she gives a fuck about some Crack Whore and The Case of the Missing Necklace misdemeanor bullshit? No. She doesn’t. It’s obvious at this point Lindsay still doesn’t get it and probably never will. Unless they stone her in the street or sentence her to a firing squad. And even then, she’ll release a statement saying those rocks and bullets are just trying to get free publicity.
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Daily Show correspondent Olivia Munn was at Caesars Palace Resort and Casino in Las Vegas last week where she was “having the best time” with Ultimate Fighting Championship founder Dana White and supermodel Selita Ebanks. Then she went outside. NY Daily News reports:
The 31-year-old approached a group of “about four others, both men and women,” whom she had been seen with throughout the evening. The crowd stood near “a bunch of tables to the left of the entrance of Pure.” Despite her previously sweet demeanor, Munn “started yelling and swearing,” and apparently didn’t care who heard. “You can go f— yourselves!” she told the group, adding that her “career will go on,” but the slack-jawed group she was addressing was “going to have to kiss peoples’ asses for the rest of [their] lives!” Our eyewitness said initially the group tried to calm the belligerent actress. “It’s okay, we understand,” one woman said nervously to Munn. But efforts to quiet the actress’ outburst fell flat. Those in the group “weren’t really talking much,” said the spywitness, “just listening” to her yelling…”I’m rich!” Munn continued. “I come from a well-off family.”…After Munn had completed her tirade, we’re told, she stormed off, leaving the group in silence and bystanders in shock.
It’s amazing how someone can walk into a Vegas nightclub happy and filled with joy then walk out a few hours later with paranoia and violent mood swings. It’s almost like they did cocaine. The article goes on to say that this incident was due to somebody trying to “manhandle” her friends inside the club and that “profanity to protect them is the least aggressive thing she could have done in the moment.” So, um, what would have been the most aggressive thing? She’s a video game dork in a cocktail dress. Hit A+B+->+-> really fast? Challenge them to a game of Cranium? I guess what I’m saying is that maybe she should shut the fuck up before she’s picking her teeth out of her forehead.
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Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler and reality show slut Kristin Cavallari got engaged. Oh yay! Everybody can stop trying to remember where you know these people from the banner picture now! People reports:
Former Laguna Beach star Kristin Cavallari got one sweet surprise while on vacation in Mexico with her NFL beau Jay Cutler.
A source close to the couple confirms to PEOPLE that Cutler proposed over the weekend during their getaway in Cabo San Lucas. “He surprised her with a quick trip to Cabo to ask her to marry him,” the source says. Cavallari, 24, who also appeared on The Hills, and Cutler, 27, the quarterback for the Chicago Bears, have been dating since last fall. “I’m in love,” she told PEOPLE earlier this year, “and it’s been great.”
Whatever. Jay Cutler gets sacked more than Bree Olsen and throws the ball to whoever is open. And it doesn’t even have to be a guy on his team. It’s usually not. And he’s marrying a chick whose tits need a FEMA trailer. Or something that means they’re a disaster. And repulsive. I don’t know, you pick something. Whatever, man. It’s early and I still haven’t had any coffee yet. Why don’t you just dial those expectations way down there, okay buddy?
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I have eggs to color (and fertilize, depending on how much wine I have with dinner today), so here’s Candice Swanepoel in festive spring colors. Oh, and by “he,” I meant “your penis.”
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After American Idol yanked her back into the limelight, Jennifer Lopez wants to leave. Popeater reports:
‘American Idol’ judge Jennifer Lopez is reportedly shopping around her own reality singing competition show, further fueling the rumors of her departure from the ‘Idol’ judges panel after just one season on the hit show.
Tentatively titled ‘Que Viva,’ Jennifer’s show would feature herself and hubby Marc Anthony talent scouting Latin American countries for future stars. The Puerto Rican couple are teaming up with ‘Idol’ creator and executive producer Simon Fuller to make the project happen. Apparently the show has been in the works for some time now.
What an awesome idea! Leave behind the very reason you’re still relevant. On that note, I’m going to book a breast reduction now. I’m in it to win it!
Lindsay Lohan got sentenced to 120 days in jail and 480 hours of community service. Oh, wait. TMZ reports:
Lindsay Lohan just walked through her own personal revolving door — the exit way at Lynwood Correctional Facility — after a bondsman put up the cash to spring her.
According to the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department’s website … LiLo was in custody for almost five hours and her bail was set at $75,000.
The most shocking thing about the outcome is that anyone was surprised at all. It’s customary for anyone appealing a sentence to post bail and get released, and it’s customary for Lindsay Lohan to get out of jail. The second most shocking thing was Todd getting really excited about this and texting me about it while I was trying to (more…)
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Sarah Shahi is on a show called Fairly Legal that I’ve never seen, but per E! Online, she’s pretty cool.
Don’t expect to see Paris Hilton in a Fairly Legal cameo anytime soon.
Especially after the show’s star, Sarah Shahi, hit Twitter Friday with some tweets of fury after allegedly being nearly run over by Hilton. But don’t let us sugarcoat it for you, hear exactly what Sarah tweeted on the jump:
“Paris Hilton—worst driver ever,” Shahi wrote. “Almost hit me, then ran a stop sign. What if there was a kid around that corner, you dumb b-tch.”
But wait, there’s more.
“Paris Hilton—horrible excuse for a human being,” Shahi went on to tweet. “What an irresponsible person…what a lame existence. I wouldn’t be as pissed if I wasn’t a mom.”
Meanwhile, Hilton has yet to comment on Shahi’s rant.
Everything that Sarah Shahi said is true. To answer her question, the kid would probably have herpes and learn an important lesson at a young age: Women drivers, no survivors.