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If you live on Earth, you probably already know that Charlie Sheen‘s first stop on his “My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Defeat Is Not An Option” tour in Detroit was an unmitigated disaster. It was so bad, that people were literally walking out and booing Sheen off stage. That’s weird, because who knew that a hastily thrown together money grab by a rambling, paranoid cokehead with a God complex would be anything less than perfect? Here’s a timeline of the show. Please notice how quickly this shit disentegrates like it was targeted by the Death Star. Entertainment Weekly reports:
7:50 p.m. ET — Lovefest: Outside Fox Theater, Melissa Shovlin and Haley Clark — two young women wearing homemade “Winning!” T-shirts (see picture below) — are asked what they expected from the show. “We have no idea,” says Shovlin, “that’s part of the excitement.” Is she concerned about Sheen’s mental state, given his recent tendency towards multimedia outbursts? “Everybody is a little crazy,” she shrugs off. She also notes, “I think in this environment, he’ll be a little more free to jump around like a snake in a chair.”
7:59 — You cannot walk through the crowd without hearing someone say “Winning.” There are girls wearing tiger-striped pants, and assorted custom Sheen quips T-shirts. The Midwestern crowd has come from all over, devout followers of the Vatican’s most famous assassin.
8:19 — Here is just a sample of this painful opening act: “Shouldn’t they call the defibrillator a difibra-now?” Sheen himself comes out to defend the comic, telling the audience to give him a chance. The actor receives a standing ovation. Sheen says that he’ll be right back out, and exits. The comedian continues his set. Problem: This is a rock concert atmosphere, and nobody wants a stand-up act.
9:18 – “Nothing terrifies a troll more than its own reflection,” Sheen continues, before shifting gears into politics. “In a recent poll, they told me I’d bring down that whore [Sarah] Palin. I don’t have time for that nonsense.” [Read about the poll he’s referring to here.]
9:20 — People start booing Sheen. Not playing around, but actually booing him. Sheen yells, “I already got your money, dude!”
9:35 — The show has become a padded and disjointed mess. Sheen plays an old short film he made called RPG starring a young Johnny Depp but the audience gets frustrated and starts booing. Sheen stops the video and says, “Okay, so RPG was a bomb. Tonight is an experiment.” One is reminded of Torpedo of Truth’s subtitle on the marquee outside: “Defeat is not an option.”
9:40 — Sheen says he’s going to “Tell some stories about crack. I figured Detroit was a good place to tell some crack stories.” This comment, not surprisingly, does not go over well. “Show of hands who here has tried crack?” Very few people raise their hand. “I don’t do crack anymore, but this is a good f—ing night to do some crack.” The audience boos.
10:03 — The show is now an unmitigated disaster. There’s a fairly steady stream of people leaving early. Attendee Chris Acchione, a self-described Sheen fan who traveled all the way from Toronto for the show, says his entire mezzanine row walked out. “He’s making a fool of himself,” he says. “Is there a bigger loser in the world? He’ll be [begging] Chuck Lorre for his job back by the end of the week.”
First off, let me say this to everyone who paid $150 a ticket for this: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! You’re an idiot. This is like paying $150 to see the guys in the Budweiser commercials yell “Wasssuuppp!” for two hours or paying to see the e-Trade talking baby do stand-up. It’s funny for about a day then it’s tired. I really don’t know what you were expecting, but it’s obvious that the show ended for Charlie Sheen once he captured your credit card payment.
Note: His next stop in Chicago (see banner picture) is being hailed as a resounding success only because nobody walked out and stoned him to death on stage. Wonderful.