All any outlets are reporting on is the royal wedding of two mediocre looking British people. Here’s topless (NSFW) Lucy Pinder instead. You’re welcome.
Tallulah Belle Willis, the 17-year-old daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, had a brush with the law last night over alcohol … law enforcement sources tell TMZ.
Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … cops spotted three girls getting out of a car in Hollywood at around 11:00 PM, carrying what appeared to be two bottles of alcohol. The officers probed further and determined it was indeed the hard stuff. Here’s the problem … all three girls are underage.
Tallulah Belle and her cohorts were cited at the scene for underage possession — but since Tallulah Belle — who has appeared in “The Scarlet Letter” and “The Whole Ten Yards — is a minor, cops couldn’t just release her …. they needed to find an adult to pick her up .
So Tallulah Belle called Bruce … but a dutiful Demi did the hard labor, getting in a car and retrieving T.B.
I don’t know how much of this story I can buy. Her dad is John fucking McClane. You mean with all the cash at this chick’s disposal, she couldn’t afford a bigger purse?
Lindsay Lohan will plead no contest to the misdemeanor theft charge she faces over that pesky necklace … sources connected with the case tell TMZ.
We’re told Lindsay is committed to what she told Jay Leno this week — that she wants to accept responsibility and move on with her life.
So Lindsay and her lawyer, Shawn Holley, will go back to Judge Stephanie Sautner as early as next week to enter the plea.
Lindsay has already been sentenced to 120 days in jail for the probation violation, along with 480 hours of community service. Sources tell us Lindsay and her lawyer are banking on Judge Sautner not adding additional time on the theft charge. In other words, when Lindsay serves her 120-day sentence, that would be the end of it. And sources familiar with the case say that would be a routine disposition.
L.A. County Sheriff’s spokesperson Steve Whitmore tells TMZ his rough calculation is that Lindsay would serve three weeks, although there are variables to that.
Lindsay will probably serve 17.5% of her prison sentence. However, she’ll have to serve all of her community service hours, which will be divided between a morgue and a women’s shelter, likely because those are the only places left where she’ll ever be a marquee name.
“January Jones is happy to announce that she is expecting her first child this fall,” her rep tells PEOPLE exclusively. While Jones is keeping quiet for now on any other details, a source close to her says, “She’s really looking forward to this new chapter in her life as a single mom.”
When translated, the above blockquote reads: “Look, this chick is kind of a slut, okay? She has no idea who the father is but once she finds out, you’ll be first to know. Okay? Huh? Man, I don’t know. She’s hot, she fucks a lot of dudes, what are you a cop? Chill out.” Not that I care either way. She could be 20 months pregnant and still be skinnier than Christina Hendricks, so whatever. But in breaking news, I got a Starbucks giftcard today. Yeah, so there’s that.
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I’ve been getting a lot of hate mail for my two royal wedding posts from people who don’t live in England telling me, again, that I should stick to “drunk celebrities and upskirts”. So here’s Kate Middleton drunk off her ass at Boujis Nightclub. With a bonus upskirt. Man, I’m pretty fucking good at this.
Further proof that all women really want in a man they marry is power, status, and money, women the world over watched a bald figure head with no actual power marry some painfully plain chick because all women think they’re princesses because they played dress up and watched a lot of Disney movies. When in reality, this dude might as well be a newsie or a chimney sweep or something else that’s archaic and really doesn’t need to exist. Sure, Kate Middleton is now a long-distance relative of Jack The Ripper and had the lavish wedding that every chick has been dreaming about since she was born, but the trade off is now the imperialist redcoats are going to invade her uterus like Indonesia and force her to breed more of these pompous assholes to play Polo while Parliament runs the country. But for Kate’s sake, I’d hold off as long as I could to have kids. You know, because it’s better to make it to at least 45 years old before you die in a suspicious car accident.
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Skinny white chick with brown hair? Blue eyes? Kick ass legs? Apparent oral fixation? Isolated cabin in the woods far away from any major roads and access to a deep lake? Oh, yeah. I think we’re pretty much all set here.
Here’s the latest Mario Testino photo of Prince William and Kate Middleton that will be used on the royal wedding programs. Really? Because I think I just counted 278 teeth and and I’m pretty sure Kate’s eyebrows are about to form a chrysalis. Whatever. And what’s the big deal about this wedding anyway? Are bluebirds going to dress her? Does he have to fight a dragon? No? Then who gives a shit. I’m not going to lie, Disney has really spoiled it for everyone.
There’s no way Donald Trump can lose the Republican nomination now. Because, Joey Lawrence, a wax sculpture who everybody thought was dead just endorsed him. I’m positive of this I tell you. FOX New reports:
“Obama was something fresh, and new, and people wanted to put their faith in his message of being different and ‘change’ and all this stuff two years ago, but that fell flat because he gets in there and it’s pretty much the same old thing. I think everybody can agree on that, there’s no real change,” he told FOX411’s Pop Tarts column at the Us Weekly Hot Hollywood Style Issue soiree in Los Angeles on Tuesday night. “It would just be nice to see him make speeches instead of Hillary (Clinton) and Timothy Geithner and all these other people. Something’s not working; definitely the approach we’re taking is not working.” The former “Blossom” star also said it would be wrong for the President to devote copious cash to his re-election campaign while the country is enduring such economic woes. “He (Obama) is already fundraising, and we have serious problems. Gasoline is going to be six dollars a gallon by the end of the summer. They want to raise the debt ceiling, and we have a trillion and a half dollars already in debt. I don’t know if that’s the right thing,” he said. “I don’t know if raising a billion dollars to re-run is the right thing to do right now.” “I’d be open to Donald. He’s somebody out of the box and I think that some of the stuff he’s saying makes sense. It sounds like you and I would say it, and it’s time,” Lawrence said. “I’m tired of ‘so politically correct’ every step of the way. It’s like there are times when we need to say, ‘We’re getting our rear ends kicked, we are the world leader, we need to step up and act like it.’” Lawrence said speaking out like this isn’t usually his style. “Everyone is so afraid to say anything. I keep my political views private; I think that’s the best way to do it. But I have no problem calling a spade a spade,” he said. “I think Donald is an interesting character. He’s an amazing CEO, this is a business. This is a business, running this country is a business and it has not been run the last decade the right way, whether it’s Republican or Democrat, so it’s not really a party issue, it’s more of a person issue. Somebody has to get in there and really hold people accountable.” Given his strong opinions, don’t be surprised if the “Joey & Melissa” actor swaps his star status for the political pool at some point down the road. “I love politics. I love the country. Maybe I would (go into politics,) I don’t know,” Lawrence added. “It’s what I minored in at school, political science.”
Yep, because that’s who I want to put in charge of revitalizing the economy. Somebody who has filed bankruptcy three times. And why hasn’t Trump released the birth certificate of the pony that was used to make his hair? I bet it’s Arabian. I bet the pony was an oil heir. Where’s the outrage?
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As you look at these pictures of Denise Richards in a bikini, please keep in mind that Charlie Sheen was once married to this and inseminated it twice. Now remember that he calls this and this “goddesses”. You could take the DNA of the chicks he pays to pretend to love him now and splice with an actual goddess and it still wouldn’t look as hot as Denise Richards does here. I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I would have sex with Denise Richards. Yep, that’s what I’m saying.
Note: Since it didn’t take long for me to get the usual, “You are an idiot. Stick to celeb gossip. Obviously politics is too much for you.” on the last post, I hope this helps. It almost might help if you call my manager. He might be able to give you a full refund. Oh, wait.