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Charlie Sheen‘s oh-goddamn-it-can’t-get-here-soon-enough interview on 20/20 is tonight, and ABC has blessed us by releasing excerpts where he talks about WINNING, his porn star girlfriends, polygamy, golden sombreros, chocolate milk, the benefits of prostitutes, being a rock star, his kids, Chuck Lorre, being the administer of violent hatred, and how he’s just an old-fashioned guy. I’ll let you guess which ones are which. All I can say is, hold on to your fucking hat.
“It’s perfect. It’s awesome. Every day is just filled with just wins. All we do is put wins in the record books. We win so radically in our underwear before our first cup of coffee, it’s scary. People say it’s lonely at the top, but I sure like the view.”
“You’ve read about the goddesses, come on. They’re an international sensation. These are my girlfriends. These are the women that I love that have completed the three parts of my heart.”
“I tried marriage. I’m 0 for 3 with the marriage thing. So, being a ballplayer — I believe in numbers. I’m not going 0 for 4. I’m not wearing a golden sombrero.”
“Maybe the three of us will get married. I don’t know. I’m gonna say this. It’s a polygamy story. All my guy friends are gonna like throw tomatoes at me. It’s like an organic union of the hearts.”
“We have a few rules here. Nobody panics. There’s no judgment. You park your judgment at the door. Nobody dies. And — enjoy every moment. What did I miss? Drink chocolate milk. We just have fun. There’s a ton of laughter in this house. A ton of love in this house. There’s a ton of nobility in this house.”
“Who wants to deal with all the small talk and nonsense? And you’re paying for something that eliminates that. And I don’t know. It makes sense to me,” he said. “As long as you’re not lying to anybody. As long as you’re not lying to people, I think whatever you’re doing, there’s no children involved in, then you’re OK. But people are going to judge it, because they’re so jealous.”
“I’m not gonna worry about it, or I can say, ‘Hey, kids, your dad’s a rockstar. Look at his experiences. Look at what he survived.’ Bang. There are some of your lessons, but the real lessons are gonna be in the future.”
“It was a fake friendship. I never felt respected in a way that I should have been. … I showed up and this dude won the lottery. And so I always felt like, ‘Why am I being treated like an unwelcome relative and being given cold coffee at, like 8 PM in the middle of the fourth inning?'”
“If you destroy my family then I will deal with you with violent hatred. Sorry, it’s my code. And it’s not like it has to be delivered in a way that’s, like, you know, all obvious and — and like, you know, radio speak. But yeah, there’s some wrongs to be righted.”
“They’ll wake up one day and realize how cool dad is. And, you know, signs all the checks on the front, not the back. And you know, we need him and we need his wisdom and his bitchin’-ness.”
The numbers don’t lie. Chuck [Lorre] was on his way back. He had a $48 million, four-year deal or something. He had three failed pilots. And they were ready to just like write him that final check and just be like, ‘Thanks, dude, we tried. But it didn’t work out.’ And then I walk in and deliver the lottery.”
“I think the honesty not only shines through in my work, but also my personal life. And I get in trouble for being honest. I’m extremely old-fashioned. I’m a nobleman. I’m chivalrous.”
The only way this interview can possibly end is with Charlie Sheen burning an X into Bree Olsen and Natty Kenly’s heads then telling them to go murder Natalie Portman.
Note: A special thanks to Chrissy Teigen who is God’s gift to Twitter and whose last name flies in the face of the whole “i before e except after c” rule. [Photo credit: I Am Legend]