I’ve never seen one single episode of Teen Mom, partly because I have better shit to do, but mostly because MTV should have been burnt to the ground in 1998. Anyway, some chick on the show named Amber Portwood (read everything you need to know about her here) has been charged with two felony counts of domestic battery, one felony count of neglect of a dependent, and one misdemeanor count of domestic battery because she’s apparently a violent sociopath who attacked her baby’s daddy three times in front of her newborn daughter. Awesome. I really hope whoever is running for class President at her high school is promising gift certificates to Wet Seal in exchange for full term abortions, because I’d hate to have to go around kicking teenagers in the stomach. I broke my ankle once and it gets a little stiff sometimes.