I got an email this morning from a reader named Francis telling me he and his wife are big fans and have been reading the site for a few years. Attached, was a picture they found on Tumblr that Russell Brand took of Katy Perry first thing in the morning then put it on Twitter. Then he quickly deleted it. I’m really not sure how he managed to delete it that fast, because I’m pretty sure that he would have been turned to stone. Yikes. If I ever woke up next to this, my first reaction would be to beat it with my shoe. I think Francis and his wife hate me.
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No, this isn’t a rejected Ebony cover, this is Kim Kardashian leaving the gym in cornrows. Now, I’m not saying she wants to be black, but if she was making a sex tape with David Beckham and Bradley Cooper she’d think it was footage for Saw 8.
There’s still time:
The mother of one of my secret love children told me last night that I was missing an “epic Twitter fight”, and as it turns out, it was between Chris Brown and Raz, a former member of something called B2K. Please keep in mind that last week, Chris Brown did this , then when somebody mentions the fact that he’s a woman beater and has a secret gay lover (which he does), he immediately becomes an unhinged lunatic and goes on a rampage on Twitter. Awesome. TMZ reports:
Brown got into it with singer Raz B — after Raz tweeted Brown, “Im just sittin here Thinking how can n**gas like [Eric Benet] and [Chris Brown] disrespect women as Intelligent as Halle Berry, Rihanna.” Brown immediately lashed back — writing, “n**ga you want attention! Grow up n**ga!!! Dick in da booty ass lil boy.” Brown is clearly referring to allegations Raz had made a while back — in which he clamis he was molested by his band’s male manager. Brown continued his attack — and then tried to explain himself … tweeting, “I’m not homophobic! He’s just disrespectful!!!”
Of course, Chris Brown has deleted most of his tweets, but in case you’re wondering if “deleted” means it’s gone forever, surprise!
@razb2k when you fart it whistle #walnutbandit
@razb2k when I need tips on how to demolish my career I’ll call ya!!!!!
@razb2k it’s funny how I’m nominated for 3 grAmmys off of a mixtape and ur scrambling for change!!
@razb2k ur a x backup singer!!!!! What do u make? Like $1.99 an hour
So to recap, Chris Brown is basically the same little bitch he’s always been. Except now more people know that he’s had a cock up his ass and beat the shit out of a woman to protect that secret. Honestly, the only way I want to see Chris Brown on stage again is if somebody just cut off his arm and is beating him to death with it.
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From Nina: I met Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene at the Orlando airport today. Joe was a sweetheart even though he seemed angry about something. Ashley was a bit of a snob! I asked her to take a picture of me and Joe with my camera and she said ‘You don’t want one with me? Uh what?’ and walked away from us. He apologized to me because of what she said and someone took the picture for me. Let’s just say, Twilight will not get my money again.
Ashley Greene is very pretty, and this girl in this picture not, so it doesn’t take a investigation to see that this girl is lying. How can pretty people lie? I met this hot chick a bar once and she said she couldn’t give me her number because she probably couldn’t get service aboard the spaceship that was taking her to her missionary trip to Endor. When she gets back, I’m really hoping we can catch a movie or something. She seemed really into me.
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There was a time when I would have held a wet towel over a newborn’s face for the chance to bang Salma Hayek (this being that time), but she’s in St. Barts with her kid, so I guess I can blame the kid for my disappointment now. I mean, I’d still hit it, but I get the feeling when I woke up there would be a note on the refrigerator telling me to enjoy the empanadas and Coke and to remember that I couldn’t watch TV until my homework and chores were done. I don’t even know if that makes sense, but you know what else doesn’t make sense? Her kid isn’t wearing soccer shoes. I was under the impression that little Mexican kids always wore those when they went someplace fancy. Like the laundromat.
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Bar Refaeli is still in Mexico, and as your discerning eye can see, she changed into a black bikini. Which is interesting, because I changed into my black footie pajamas last night before my grandma read me The Biggest Snowman Ever. Will Clayton and Desmond put their egos aside to build the biggest snowman Mouseville has ever seen?! Tell me more grandma!
Also realizing she’s a single mom who’s about to be on the wrong side of 30 with two kids, Reese Witherspoon agreed to married her boyfriend of 11 months, Hollywood agent Jim Toth. Us Magazine reports:
The Oscar-winning actress, 34, began dating Toth, 40, around January 2010, shortly after her split from Jake Gyllenhaal. The duo went public with their romance in March during a romantic birthday weekend in Ojai, Calif. Toth works as an agent at L.A.’s Creative Artists Agency; Witherspoon is a CAA client, but Toth doesn’t represent her.
I went to Flying Saucer last night and some dude got his plate on the wall after he finished his 200th beer in the U.F.O. Club. What do I mention this? Because it’s literally more interesting than anything in a Reese Witherspoon story.
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I’d really like to know what part of Mexico where stuff like this and this happens, because I went to Mexico once and thought “man, these people really like camping and being outdoors”. But then one of the villagers told me those were their actual houses. Then some guy tried to sell me a goat and his daughter for my TX watch. What the hell is going on down there? Get your shit together Mexico.
Apparently Kelly Osbourne was dating some dude named Luke Worrall for two years and they were engaged. Until this Christmas, when apparently he realized he was engaged to Kelly Osbourne and tried to fuck the pain away with as many girls as possible. Then like most insane chicks, Kelly let everybody know about it on Twitter.
Us Magazine reports:
At first, Osbourne was vague, Tweeting: “Just found something out that has hurt my feelings so bad and christmas was going so well.” She added cryptically: “What do you do when someone lies in the darkest way and you try to tell the person that was lied to but they don’t believe you? I think the best part of this situation is that I have been painted out to be the crazy one when all I did was tell the honest to God truth.” Finally, Osbourne (who is reportedly back in London for the holidays with parents Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne and her siblings) took aim at her British model ex, suggesting that a failed Christmas reconciliation went down. “Luke Worrall is the biggest piece of s**, he has been trying to get back with me, I only came home for Xmas to see him. Meanwhile, he has been f***ing hundreds of girls…behind my back.” She angrily continued: “All he did was use me. All girls, beware of @Luke_worral he is a using C***! He used me for my money and a free ride. He is lucky I am not spilling the whole truth about what he did!” “He is the worst thing that ever happened to me,” Osbourne sniped. “I don’t give a f*** what happens to him anymore…I am and always will be too good for him…Darling, your pretty face will only get you so far because you don’t have the brains to back it up.” “Don’t think I have ever felt so stupid,” she added. “He made a fool of me.” Explaining that she’s going “off Twitter for a while,” Osbourne noted, “never felt heart brake like this in my life.”
Well, okay then. Seems like she’s handling this well. Moving on.
I’ve never seen one single episode of Teen Mom, partly because I have better shit to do, but mostly because MTV should have been burnt to the ground in 1998. Anyway, some chick on the show named Amber Portwood (read everything you need to know about her here) has been charged with two felony counts of domestic battery, one felony count of neglect of a dependent, and one misdemeanor count of domestic battery because she’s apparently a violent sociopath who attacked her baby’s daddy three times in front of her newborn daughter. Awesome. I really hope whoever is running for class President at her high school is promising gift certificates to Wet Seal in exchange for full term abortions, because I’d hate to have to go around kicking teenagers in the stomach. I broke my ankle once and it gets a little stiff sometimes.