Because “So very happy for Jess and Eric. May they have a lifetime of joy and happiness. Because, who are we kidding? She’s fat as hell now, but at least her tits are still massive. Oh, and she’s rich. Don’t forget that. I know she bought her own engagement ring and put up fliers after her dog was taken by a coyote because coyotes usually take dogs for ransom and don’t eat them but Eric really loves her. Especially when she gave him his own debit card with two kittens holding hands on a rainbow on the front. Damn, she’s fat. Did I say that already? I did? I mean, it’s pretty noticeable, right? Look at her head. It looks like a jack-o-lantern. She used to be hot, right? Fuck.” is more than 140 characters.
Note: Just got this email: “My dearest Todd, A coworker of mine is related to Eric Whathisface, current Jessica Simpson squeeze. He’s from the Philadelphia area, so am I, so is my coworker, blah blah blah She told us yesterday that Jessica and he got engaged. The engagement was on 11/11 at 11:11 in the morning. I shit you not. That’s really all the info I had, but as soon as I heard the news I immediately thought of your reaction.” At least it will be easy for Jessica to remember.
Jessica Simpson posing with the ring she bought herself at Dilard’s. I repeat, Dilard’s: