Selena Gomez Is Stephen Hawking

Uncomfortably attractive Selena Gomez went on George Lopez’s show last night where it was revealed that she had recently lost her voice. Then why agree to a talk show you ask? Well, because she programmed her answers into this computer thing that made her sound like a Title IX HAL 9000. So to recap, a hot, skinny 18-year old who can’t talk. The only way she could be more perfect is if her vagina came with programmed shiatsu massage settings. *spins around in chair while tapping index fingers together* Anybody know the number to the patent office? Why? Oh, no reason.

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