Penelope Cruz Got Married

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I wish this post had a vuvuzela button. People reports:

Penélope Cruz and Javier Bardem have always kept their romance under the radar – and their intimate wedding was equally low-profile. Cruz, 36, and Javier Bardem, 41, exchanged vows in front of family members during a small, private ceremony held at a friend’s home in the Bahamas earlier this month, her rep confirms to PEOPLE. The bride wore a gown designed by designer John Galliano, a longtime friend of the actress.

The article goes on to call the couple “Spanish lovebirds” (which sounds like a sex act you do on a dare), but there’s a long standing rumor that Penelope Cruz is a lesbian. So that would make Javier Bardem her beard. Not that I care, because Javier Bardem kicked ass in Collateral and No Country for Old Men . Also, I would very much appreciate it if Penelope Cruz let me titty fuck her. I also would like to know more about the sphinx. It’s a lion with a human head. What’s up with that?

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