Carrie Underwood Is Getting Married Tomorrow

I don’t listen to country music (although I do like Alan Jackson’s reflective couplet about laying rubber to hot coochie from way down yonder), but if I did, this might make me very upset. Page Six reports:

Carrie Underwood is to wed hockey star Mike Fisher tomorrow — but not even the guests know where. Sources said the superstar singer is refusing to confirm the location until the very last moment. Guests have been told to go to an airport in a southern city, from which they’ll be ferried to the site by private jet or limos. One source said, “Carrie wants to keep the wedding small and secret. She originally wanted up to $2 million for the photo rights, but she’s now believed to have struck a deal with a weekly magazine. Her rep didn’t get back to us.

Yeah, so is this a wedding or a rendition? Is the reception at Guantanamo Bay? I don’t get it. A karaoke contest winner and some dude from Canada are getting married. I’m pretty sure if terrorists are planning to release a biological weapon into the air, wherever you’re going won’t be ground zero. I’ve typed way too many sentences that seem like I care about this, so here’s Carrie Underwood in a bikini. Just fyi, I would aim for her tattoo if I were you. Skeet targets are usually shot at close range. I like to practice whenever my schedule allows.

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