[Gallery not found]
My imaginary wife Megan Fox has been hiding like a 9/11 co-conspirator lately, so it hurts my heart to see her so sad. I bet it’s because I’m not posting about her anymore. I bet she stays awake at night hitting refresh. Or not. My grandma says playing make believe is healthy. My WoW character agrees. His name is Tedward The Landstander. His special power is standing on land. His attributes are raised automatically when leveling. Attributes rise by fixed values depending on your character’s race and class. Skills are raised by performing the skill in question. For example, by attacking with a type of weapon, you will gradually increase that weapon’s skill until it reaches its current cap.
[Gallery not found]
[Gallery not found]
Giving Jessica Alba’s clitoris a tongue bath has been on my to do list since 2000, but then she had a kid and looked like absolute hell. Then the Internet tells me that she went to some event last night, and um, I might need to look at my list again. According to my notes, I’m supposed to go down on her to “Smooth” by Santana Featuring Rob Thomas, so I probably need to update it.
Sandra Bullock has been virtually silent for over a month ever since the news broke that her white supremacist husband was banging anything with breast implants and a copy of Mein Kampf, but this morning I wake up to find that she filed for a divorce. People reports:
It’s official: Sandra Bullock wants out of her five-year marriage to Jesse James. “Yes, I have filed for divorce,” the actress, 45, tells PEOPLE in the latest issue, in which she also reveals she has adopted a son, 3½-month-old Louis. A rep for Bullock confirms the star filed legal papers seeking to end her marriage, but declines to specify in what jurisdiction they are filed. Says Bullock of her decision to divorce: “I’m sad and I am scared.”
In public, Sandra Bullock has been through the best and worst of times this year – from winning her first Oscar to enduring the breakup of her marriage. In private, she was quietly keeping a joyful secret – his name is Louis, and he is her newborn son. “He’s just perfect, I can’t even describe him any other way,” Bullock reveals exclusively in the new issue of PEOPLE, announcing that she is the proud mother of Louis Bardo Bullock, a 3½-month-old boy, born in New Orleans. “It’s like he’s always been a part of our lives.”
I guess one way to quiet rumors that you knew your husband was a white supremacist when you married him is to adopted a baby that was floating on a dining room table in the 9th Ward. Wait, New Orleans is still under water right? I mean, it was a fun story a while ago, but I kinda stopped following it.
Thanks, mutterhals. Whoever you are.
UPDATE: Michael Lohan is claiming his Twitter account was hacked and that the posts are blatant lies. Okay.
Michael Lohan threw a grenade into a pile of C4 attached to a nuclear reactor today, when tweeted (he quickly removed the them) that Lindsay has AIDS and had sex with Tommy Motolla when she was 17. The only question I have is why isn’t she hot? Amber Heard had AIDS in The Informers and she was still hot. Christ, Lindsay. Do you have to fuck up everything?
Betty White is hosting SNL. There is a God. [Popeater]
Michael Jackson’s mother kicked her grandkids out of her house [Popeater]
Scarlett Johansson is hot at Iron Man 2 premiere [Popoholic]
Beyonce nip slip [Egotastic]
Karissa Shannon upskirt [TaxiDriver Movie]
60 Boobquake Girls. Why didn’t Shannon Richards make this list? [COED Magazine]
Nazi Zombies! [College Humor]
Midnight T&A: Adriana Lima [Celebslam]
It’s raining legs [Cityrag]
The very best of Jenna Jameson [Heyman Hustle]
PETA won’t stop until all animals are allowed to rape people and qualify for high-risk loans, so the next time you take your kids to the circus, please remember that you will burn in hell for all eternity.
Since elephants are not naturally inclined to balance on balls, stand on their heads, or perform tricks, trainers use whips, tight collars, muzzles, electric prods, bullhooks, and other painful tools to force them to perform these physically uncomfortable tasks. Elephants used by Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus are beaten, hit, poked, prodded, and jabbed with sharp hooks, sometimes until bloody. When they are not performing, elephants—who walk up to 30 miles a day in their natural environment—spend their time in chains as the circus travels from city to city…Olivia explains, “When you look at something like the circus and everyone’s laughing and there’s color and there’s music and everything seems so great, but when you go right behind that door and they’re in these crates all day long and then they’re getting shocked and beat just so they can get up and dance around on a ball … it was just so sickening.”
Elephants don’t have fur, so I guess I’m missing the point as to why Olivia Munn is naked. Man, that sounded way less gayer in my head.
Bret Michaels continues to remain in critical condition after suffering a brain hemorrhage last Thursday, his rep tells UsMagazine.com. “There’s a rumor out there that Bret passed,” says the rep. “It isn’t true.”
The fact that he hasn’t died would be really good news for him if knew he was alive, but doctors will celebrate for him. USA Today reports:
Joseph Broderick, chairman of the University of Cincinnati Neurology Department, tells MTV doctors should have a better sense of Michaels’ chance of recovery over the next two weeks or so. “Patients typically die within the first couple of days or a week from this kind of stroke,” he said. And Good Morning America reports that in patients who have suffered a similar stroke, “a quarter die in the first week; half die in the first six months.” Arno Fried, chairman of Neurosurgery at Hackensack University Medical Center in Hackensack, N.J. says, “I would describe (Michaels’ condition) as guarded. If the bleed has not caused too much damage, the possibility of recovery is quite good.”
Well, that’s good news. There’s a good chance he might live. The only real negative is that the next season of Rock Of Love might have to add feeding tubes to their production budget.
Note: C.C. DeVille walked into the bar across the street from my apartment a few months ago, and every hot chick in the place was all over him like he was giving away Prada bags filled with orgasms. So, this post is in no way meant to offend C.C. By the way, the original title of this post was “Unresponsive Bop”, but I felt that was in bad taste.
IDLYITW’s long distance dedication to Bret Michaels. Get well soon, man. Or don’t. Whatevs:
Upon his release on bail, Tito Ortiz held a press conference with his lawyer, Chip Matthews, to offer his side of the story. That side of the story being Jenna Jameson is a drug-addicted psycho. E! Online reports:
“Jenna has been fighting a battle with OxyContin addiction for the past year. For Tito and her family this has been an uphill battle. Unfortunately this morning she had a relapse,” Matthews alleged tonight at a hastily organized news conference, according to Fox News. “Tito was trying to help her, she has threatened suicide before. Tito has done everything in his power to protect her privacy and the privacy of their children.” The attorney also maintains that his client did not physically harm Jameson. “When you’re dealing with people on OxyContin they don’t always have the best sense of balance,” Matthews said. “Jenna and Tito have two children together, they planned on spending the rest of their lives together. They want nothing more than to work together on this.” A visibly haggard Ortiz, who is free on $25,000 bail, stood beside Matthews throughout the conference. “It means the world to me, my friends and family for their support. My parents have been through an addiction and I see it in the mirror again. I am not going to let my family go through that,” Ortiz said. “I speak from my heart, I hold everything dear to my heart that Jenna will be OK.”
There was a time when Jenna Jameson was more beautiful than actual models and most of the actresses in Hollywood. Now? Not so much. So, I guess you can blame drugs. Or you can blame plastic surgery and drugs. Or you can blame your father. That always seems to work for me. Why won’t you love me?!
Remember when you would have stood in line like you were in Baskin-Robbins staring at your number for your turn to hit this? Yeah, me too.
Britney Spears walked outside wearing a bra. A bra. Stay tuned for more mind-blowing pictures of a horse wearing a saddle and a football player wearing shoulder pads. Shoulder pads?! Can you even believe it?!