I know this may shock some of you, but Lindsay Lohan has violated her probation and could be in jail next month. TMZ reports:
Lohan — who is on probation for DUI — has not fulfilled the alcohol education requirement laid down by the judge … TMZ has learned. Judge Marsha Revel made it clear to Lindsay late last year, she must attend alcohol ed courses once every 7 days. The only exception — if she was in inpatient rehab. And the judge was explicit … if Lindsay did not comply with the terms of probation, she was going to jail. The school in which Lindsay enrolled is required by state law to inform the court only if the student is MIA for 21 days. So here’s the disconnect: The school has not reported an attendance violation … because Lindsay frequently waited until the 21st day to attend classes. Bottom line — Lindsay met the school’s requirement, but squarely violated the judge’s order. We’ve learned what’s going to come out at Lindsay’s progress hearing on May 20 — that she has habitually violated the judge’s requirement to attend classes at least once every 7 days. Judge Revel has made it clear to Lindsay — no more chances. If probation is violated, she’s going to jail … and probation was repeatedly violated.
It’s California, so you never know. Lindsay could be sent to jail or she could be sentenced to 40 pushes on a tire swing. Weeeee!!!
A sex tape that Chelsea Handler made ten years ago with a fancy British gentleman has been leaked. And if you think you’re surprised, just take a look at Chelsea. She can hardly even believe it! RadarOnline reports:
The tape, which was made nearly a decade ago after Chelsea moved to Los Angeles starts out with Chelsea turning on the camera in what appears to be her apartment. During the first part of the tape, Chelsea is fully clothed in her work uniform. She begins by introducing herself by name before going into a stand-up routine before suddenly cutting to Chelsea and her male partner engaging in an explicit sex act. Chelsea, who is on all fours on a bed is naked and at several times during the filming she looks directly at the camera. Her breasts are bare and swinging during the sex act. At the end of the “performance”, Chelsea’s partner speaks in a clear British accent, asking, “Did we get the (bleep) shot?” Chelsea looks into the camera and smiles at this point. Then the tape immediately cuts back into Chelsea continuing her stand-up routine in her apartment. When reached for comment Wednesday afternoon by RadarOnline.com, Chelsea’s rep Steven Huvane said: “The tape you have is an old tape that was done for a stand up comedy bit.”
A comedy bit? Did this guy ride out on a tricycle? Did he slip on a banana peel into her ass? I don’t get it. Usually when I’m plowing somebody from behind, there tends to be a lot of crying.
After a five year relationship that produced a two-year old kid, model and apparent queer, Gabriel Autry, has decided that Halle Berry is too old to have sex with now.
“They’ve worked out a financial and custody deal. They spent months hammering out a deal with a lawyer,” RadarOnline.com reports. Although we have yet to hear from either beautiful celebrity’s camp, Radar’s source says the couple’s age difference — he’s 34, she’s 43 — played a big part in their split. “Gabriel just felt it wasn’t working anymore,” Radar’s source says. “When they were first together, the 9-year age difference between them didn’t phase him, she was the most beautiful woman he had ever dated and he was totally in love. But as time went on he started feeling it more and more. Also, Gabriel started noticing other women and being attracted to others, and he felt it just wasn’t right to stay with Halle in those circumstances.“
My penis just texted Halle Berry to see if she wanted to grab some dinner, then I politely mentioned she was 43. “What are you? A fag? I won’t be in there long enough to notice anyway. To reiterate, it’s Halle Berry. Don’t make me punch you, Todd ” he replied as he stirred his tea.
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Olivia Munn is in the June issue of FHM, and I think I speak for everyone when I say get naked bitch. I know this chick is a goddess to guys in skinny jeans and Cons who have Star Trek phasers on their keychains, but her face looks like it belongs to a Chinese dude who just won 4th place in a transvestite Cher look-a-like contest. There isn’t really too much I can say about her body. Unless you count the fact I want to cum on it. I’m not picky. Anywhere’s fine. if she could just point, that would be fantastic.
You can see more of Olivia Munn and other 100 sexiest women at FHM.com.
The trailer for Jonah Hex is out now, and apparently it’s about old timey days when people could brand you in the face and burn your family alive. Whatever. The only reason I’m posting this is because it stars Megan Fox. And she play’s a prostitute. Presumably with a heart of gold. Do prostitutes really have a heart of gold? I don’t know. The Thai one I got last week had a pretty looking normal heart to me. I tried to sell it, but Cash For Gold said that’s not something they usually buy.
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Hey, guess what happens when you have ten plastic surgeries in one day? I bet you’ll never guess! inTouch reports:
Heidi Montag has become a completely different person since her headline-making plastic surgeries. But now, her friends are seeing deeper — and more troubling — changes in Heidi. Once known for her bubbly, outgoing personality, the 23-year-old has been acting strangely — her moods ranging from teary and over-emotional to vacant and spaced out — and some fear that pills may be to blame. “Heidi used to be so funny and sweet, but now she’s quiet and hollow,” a pal reveals. “She isn’t all there when you speak to her.” According to a medical source, doctors would have prescribed painkillers such as Demerol, Vicodin and Percocet to Heidi after she had 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day in November…But some friends worry that she continued to take drugs long after the pain went away. And they think the pills may be responsible for the Hills star’s bizarre behavior. “Heidi had so many plastic surgery procedures that she needed drugs to cope,” the insider shares. “If she is now abusing them, it would explain her mood swings.” In addition to the painkillers, the pal says, Heidi has found that she sometimes “can’t sleep without sleeping pills” and may be growing dependent on them, too. “Heidi was a beautiful girl with the sweetest personality, but now, she’s a different person,” the insider shares.
I really don’t see the big deal here. I’m not trying to talk to her about Gov. Bobby Jihndal’s decision to declare a state of emergency in Louisiana today or immigration reform. I’m just trying to titty fuck her. To be honest, her pills would probably let me save money on ether.
What did Playboy model Jenna Bentley do on a shoot in Hawaii yesterday? Whatever comes natural, baby.
Larry King is a swinger. And he banged his wife’s sister. Christ. Page Six reports:
Larry King and his wife, Shawn Southwick, were aware of each other’s affairs, according to Larry’s former wife Julia Alexander King. “Larry told me they both knew that each of them had others in their lives,” Julia, his Spouse No. 6 from 1989 to ’92, told Radar Online. “I never asked him and he never told me who his ‘other’ was, but he knew Shawn was having an affair with the baseball coach. She practically flaunted it.” While Larry was allegedly cheating with Shawn’s younger sister, Shannon Engemann, Shawn was said to be trysting with their sons’ baseball coach, Hector Penate. “Larry doesn’t have a mean bone in his body,” said Julia, who keeps in touch with her ex. “He is a wonderful man in every area of his life except marriage. He just doesn’t have a moral compass when it comes to women.”
I would rather picture zombies eating my intestines than Larry King having sex, because you could probably use his old man balls as a rope swing. Basically what I’m saying is if no one involved could never mention this again, that would be great. Thanks.
Lady Gaga, who claimed that she wants “the best body in showbiz”, is now only eating baby food. MTV UK reports:
According to heat magazine, GaGa’s dramatic weight loss was due to the singer allegedly living off baby food, causing friends to fear for her health as the singer battled on through gruelling live performances on little energy. A friend told the gossip mag: “Everyone is really worried about GaGa. She’s not eating healthily at all. She’s substituting meals for jars of baby food.” Lady G, who recently claimed she wants the best body in showbiz was said to have stated that the diet is doing wonders for her body but pals of the Telephone singer were debating intervening in the singers eating habits if she continued eating baby food.
Lady Gaga might have the best body in Showbiz Pizza, because you’d have to flip a few hundred pages in the ‘Best Tits In Showbiz” to find these. All of her songs are about how much guys want to fuck her, so if she could eat something that would make her more attractive, that would be great. Carbon monoxide, for example. Many coroners say it gives the face a nice glow.
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My penis has been in a lot of things that he’s not proud of, but I am not even halfway joking when I say that there isn’t enough PBR, Patron, and hypnosis in the world for me to willingly stick my dong in this skank. If I did, I can’t shake the feeling that Jesus would tap me on the shoulder and tell me to hurry up and finish because he needs to get Lazarus out.