Sexual Innuendo Made Easy By todd March 29, 2010

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Katy Perry has somehow tricked the world into believing she’s a singer and an entertainer, but in reality, her body was made for deviant sex and her face was made, because well, God can’t do everything right. Give the guy a break. He has a lot going on right now. I’m just glad Katy went on the 23rd Annual Kids’ Choice Awards to teach kids about foreshadowing. Because I can’t really shake the feeling that this probably won’t be the only scenario where Katy Perry is gonna get escorted by a stagehand while she wipes off stuff that just got shot in her face.

Katy Perry has somehow tricked the world into believing she’s a singer and an entertainer, but in reality, her body was made for deviant sex and her face was made,…

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Gerard Butler Is Smooth By todd March 29, 2010



What does Gerard Butler do when he’s posing for a fan picture with Jennifer Aniston in Paris? Whatever comes natural, baby.

What does Gerard Butler do when he’s posing for a fan picture with Jennifer Aniston in Paris? Whatever comes natural, baby.

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Michelle Bombshell Is Angry By todd March 26, 2010

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Although she took Jesse James’ load in an effort to get fame and money, she won’t tolerate you talking shit about her. She says on her FB:

For all you internet warriors on here talking shit…it’s easy to place judgement when your sitting behind a keyboard. Get off your God dam high horse, your shit don’t smell like roses either. Let him who is without sin cast the first stone…in other words FUCK YOU

Wow, I am sitting behind a keyboard, and you’re right, it is pretty easy to pass judgment. If this was Nuremberg, I’d be fitting you with a blindfold right about now. In other words, shut up bitch.

Although she took Jesse James’ load in an effort to get fame and money, she won’t tolerate you talking shit about her. She says on her FB: For all you…

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I’m So Turned On Right Now By todd March 26, 2010

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Julius PeppersSerena Williams pranced around South Beach in a bikini yesterday and wildlife officials later revealed that she was tagged and released without incident.

Julius PeppersSerena Williams pranced around South Beach in a bikini yesterday and wildlife officials later revealed that she was tagged and released without incident.

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Beyonce Is Pregnant. Maybe. By todd March 26, 2010



Don’t care. Awesome. Popeater reports:

Prepare the bassinet and ready the Diaper Genie, the Internet is once again claiming that Beyonce is pregnant. Media Takeout is reporting that the songstress is expecting her first child with rapper hubby Jay-Z. But should we believe the hype? The couple, who married in 2008 following a six-year courtship, have been plagued by pregnancy rumors since they starred together in the 2002 video for ‘Bonnie & Clyde.’ However — as evidenced by their current lack of children — the rumors have repeatedly turned out to be unfounded. Media outlets and fans alike routinely scrutinized every inch of B’s body searching for a baby bump — only to later learn she decided to have a big sandwich that day, or forgot to hit the gym. And lest we forget, B does revel in being ‘Bootylicious.’ Although we aren’t necessarily inclined to believe the reports of the couple’s impending baby bliss, Beyonce’s official events calendar is conspicuously blank, and MTO’s report of the pregnancy has not yet been denied by Beyonce’s rep.

Whatever. Beyonce always looks pregnant, so who knows if this is real or not. I just hope they wait to have a baby until scientists colonize Mars, because I’m sure the baby’s nose won’t have any problem getting oxygen in that atmosphere.

Don’t care. Awesome. Popeater reports: Prepare the bassinet and ready the Diaper Genie, the Internet is once again claiming that Beyonce is pregnant. Media Takeout is reporting that the songstress…

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Happy Anniversary By todd March 26, 2010

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Miranda Kerr, Candice Swanepoel, and Alessandra Ambrosio celebrated the 15th anniversary of the Victoria’s Secret Swimsuit Catalog yesterday, and it doesn’t even matter that they weigh 125 pounds combined. My penis weighs 4 pounds so this works out pretty well for me. All I have to worry about with them is Red Bull and Starbucks. If Christina Hendricks saw my penis there’s a good chance she’d pull out a pack of buns and some spicy mustard. Out of her purse of course. Because that’s where she keeps them, you see.

Miranda Kerr, Candice Swanepoel, and Alessandra Ambrosio celebrated the 15th anniversary of the Victoria’s Secret Swimsuit Catalog yesterday, and it doesn’t even matter that they weigh 125 pounds combined. My…

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Jesse James Hit This, Too By todd March 25, 2010

It think it should be obvious at this point that Jesse James’ would stick his penis in a beehive if it had tattoos and ridiculously oversized implants. TMZ reports:

Brigitte Daguerre — a Los Angeles photographer — claims Jesse hired her in 2008 to do styling work for a West Coast Choppers photo shoot. She says the two emailed and texted each other for a year, but claims they only had sex four times before she cut it off. Daguerre has 195 text messages between her and Jesse (the cell phone numbers sync up) … many of them extremely graphic. Among the milder, Jesse says, “I’ll be your monkey.” Throughout the exchanges, Jesse repeatedly asks Daguerre to send pictures and set up rendezvous. In one exchange, Daguerre complained that Jesse wasn’t letting loose. He explains, “I’m texting you in secret.”

I’m sick right now, but there isn’t enough NyQuil gelcaps in the world to make me text a girl “I’ll be your monkey”. What the hell does that even mean? Did he want to bite her then throw shit at her? Did he want her to become a quadriplegic so he could help her then develop feelings of rage against his new master? I find that “I want to stick it in your ass” is much more effective.

It think it should be obvious at this point that Jesse James’ would stick his penis in a beehive if it had tattoos and ridiculously oversized implants. TMZ reports: Brigitte…

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Jesse James Has A Type. And That Type Is “Skank”. By todd March 24, 2010



If you’re struggling with yourself to find out on a scale of 1 to 10 how much of a piece of shit Jesse James is, I hope this helps.
Us Magazine
reports:

“This is just the first person who has gone public,” one source tells Us Weekly. Adds another, “This is not an isolated incident. When Sandra is away, he gets bored.” In fact, James’ infidelity has been an open secret among employees at his West Coast Choppers bike shop in Long Beach, Calif. “Everybody knew,” one source tells Us Weekly. James, 40, would regularly post Internet ads looking for “hot, tattooed biker chicks with big boobs,” says a source. Adds another, “He sees their photos, answers the ads and invites the girls to his office.” How could Bullock, 45, be in the dark about her husband of nearly five years? “He is a whole other person when they’re together,” says a source. Adds an insider, “She was completely duped.”

Oh, and corny douchebag, don’t forget corny douchebag:

TMZ has learned … a former high level, female executive with West Coast Choppers settled a sexual harassment lawsuit against Jesse James and West Coast Choppers for more than $700,000 in 2007, while he was married to Sandra Bullock … according to documents. The woman claimed between 2006 – 2007, Jesse James repeatedly made sexual advances, which allegedly included sexual acts. The woman kept several suggestive emails from Jesse. In one email in 2007, which is included in the file, Jesse wrote to the woman, “Need anything before I split?” She responded, “Some Tums.” Jesse replied, “I have some special fluid that you can drink and it makes it all better ….”

Wow. Really? “Special fluid”? My pickup line of “This is gonna sound way gayer than it sounds, but that’s a nice purse” has gotten me laid more than this. And by “more”, I mean “once”.


Thanks to the always great Magnus for sending me this. I hear he got a hand job from Ana Faris once then he started crying. I’m not sure what that was about. Haha, not so great now are you Magnus?!

If you’re struggling with yourself to find out on a scale of 1 to 10 how much of a piece of shit Jesse James is, I hope this helps. Us…

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Alice’s Wonderland By todd March 24, 2010

I have no idea why haven't moved to England yet, because goddamn. I said goddamn.


 

 

I have no idea why haven't moved to England yet, because goddamn. I said goddamn.    

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Lindsay Is A Demure Flower By todd March 24, 2010
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Lindsay Lohan blames the media and the tabloids for falsely perpetuating her image as a drunk whore, so I guess the book they were reading and discussing at the house party she was leaving last night was really mind-blowing.

Lindsay Lohan blames the media and the tabloids for falsely perpetuating her image as a drunk whore, so I guess the book they were reading and discussing at the house…

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