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Here’s some pictures of Ashley Greene on the set of her new movie The Apparition, and instead of these, I tried to find pictures of a baby koala holding a baby duck while sliding down a rainbow or pictures of a little girl riding a see saw with a lion cub, but I gave up. Because let’s face it, this is the most beautiful thing you will see all day.
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Shut up, whore.
Splash News reports:
TV star Kim Kardashian went on a Twitter rant about driving and texting laws in Florida. In the sunshine state, drivers can talk and text freely on their mobile phones. Kim, 29, who is currently in Miami Beach filming her sisters’ reality TV show ‘Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami’, was so outraged after spotting a police officer apparently texting at the wheel that she snapped a photo and posted it with the caption: “A cop texting & driving in the car next to us! This disturbs me! What do u guys think?” Kim then urged her three million-plus followers to take Oprah Winfrey’s ‘no phone zone pledge’ with her and hinted about her own “awful texting and driving experience” which she “can’t wait to share”.
Right, because the leading cause of vehicular homicide is police officers texting while sitting perfectly still. No, it’s not a car load of Armenian whorestaking pictures while driving, but police. Police. As soon as they get in the car, they become angels of death, their Blackberry messenger their only weapon. Evil their only reason.
Because skanks are coming forward like a Spartan army to say he’s a douchebag and had sex with them, Jesse James finally realizes that he’s married to Sandra Bullock and has decided to
do what his PR people tell him to do because wtf man? Your wife is a millionaire Oscar-winner and you’re banging these truck stop hookers? What the hell is wrong with you? seek professional help with his addiction.
The facility — Sierra Tucson — specializes in drug, alcohol and sex addiction, as well as other disorders. TMZ broke the story last night. Multiple law enforcement sources have told TMZ when a CHP officer stopped Jesse last Friday on the 10 Freeway near Blythe, CA. — for driving without a front license plate and driving with tinted windows — James told the officer he was going to Arizona to try to save his marriage to Sandra Bullock. We have now learned from our law enforcement sources that James was specific — that he was going to a rehab facility in Tucson. A TMZ producer called Sierra Tucson and spoke with a therapist, who told us Jesse was at the facility and in fact had a 6 PM treatment Tuesday night.
Please keep in mind that this treatment facility was his second choice. Why? Because Sandra Bullock is awesome.
“He offered to go to the same rehab center that Tiger Woods went to if Sandra would support him and stick with him. She said ‘no,’ and that basically he’s the scum of the earth.” Bullock continues to live outside the family home. The source added, “[Jesse] is trying to show her he wants to recover. Sandra is tough and does not take humiliation well. It will take a lot more than Jesse going for a week to some clinic for her to even take him seriously.”
There’s no real rehab for Jesse James’ actual disease of being a piece of shit, so I’m not really sure what the point of this whole thing besides to garner sympathy where there is none. You fucked some skanks, you got caught, deal with it. Every woman in the world hates you and every man in the world wants to punch you in the throat because now we have to get interrogated by our women to see if we would ever do this. Well, yes, but to be fair, you don’t really have an Oscar now do you, sweetie?
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Miranda Kerr is in St. Barts right now, and I have no idea why she looks so scared, but if I had to guess, it’s because my extraction team of cybernetic werewolves were recently calibrated to hunt hot, skinny white girls with brown hair. They are man, beast, and robot, so they will do my bidding. With no memory of who they are…or what they have done.
There’s only lo-res versions of Katy Perry in a red bikini in Mexico, but it’s safe to say that her huge rack can be appreciated just the same. These could be taken with Fischer-Price camera or by a guy under a hood holding an old-timey flash bulb, and I still would have jerked off at least once.
Amber Heard is in the Spring 2010 issue of French Revue de Modes Magazine, and it must be hard being one of the hottest pieces of ass on the planet. It’s just way too much pressure. That’s why I stopped penis modeling.
UPDATE: She went to the producers and tried to get Tony Dovolani fired. You know, the guy who has been on the show for 9 seasons and is “loved by all the staff.”
Kate Gosselin is the most evil and grating bitch on Earth, so of course her trained, professional partner, Tony Dovolani, was second-guessed and berated until he literally threw his mic down and walked out. She then played the victim again, of course, so he came back and they performed. Want to take a guess how she did? Here’s a hint: Dancing comes just as naturally to her as being a mom. New York Daily News reports:
After a lukewarm performance during the premiere of “Dancing with the Stars” last week, the reality star’s ex-wife, Kate Gosselin, returned Monday only to have her partner quit and the judges call her performance a “nightmare.” During the second go-around of “DWTS,” most of the duos improved, while Gosselin only got worse, making it seem increasingly more likely that she will be the first to go home Tuesday. The problems started in dance rehearsals when Tony Dovolani took his mic off and walked out due to a lack of communication. As Dovolani felt undermined by Gosselin, she felt as though he wasn’t taking into consideration how she learned. Alas, Dovolani returned to find Gosselin in tears. She thanked him for coming back, saying, “A lot of people quit on me in life.” And like all “DWTS” arguments, this too ended with a hug. The trainwreck that ensued was too painful to watch. Gosselin’s stiff and robotic movements were not nearly as bad as the frightened, frozen look on her face during her jive. She forgot most of the choreography and frequently spoke to Dovolani mid-dance, presumably to ask what the hell she was doing. Bruno called the performance a “nightmare” and suggested Gosselin to take acting lessons in order to portray a character. Carrie Ann applauded her for making it all the way through the routine without giving up. Len said her nerves are breaking her and told her to “go out fighting.”
Tony Dovolani spent an hour with this bitch and was ready to slit his wrists, so imagine being married to this cunt and having eight kids with her. Jon Gosselin was either gonna cheat or blow her fucking brains out, so he really should be congratulated for cheating. Or if he had killed her. Either or. Oh, please killing her wouldn’t be that bad. Hannibal killed 70,000 Roman soldiers in one day and he’s still on the History Channel. The public can be very forgiving.
Man, check out this way this sexy temptress moves. I bet you’d have a hotter time fucking a pile of laundry:
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I know most of you are still getting over the shock that Ricky Martin is gay, so here’s Kelly Brook in a new ad campaign for Ultimo lingerie. Which seems like a pretty solid choice since Kelly Brook is perfect in every possible way. I wont be surprised if some of the outtakes aren’t of her healing the sick and levitating cars with her mind.
You might want to sit down for this. Popeater reports:
After years of fighting off rumors about his sexuality, Latin singer Ricky Martin has finally just posted the following message on his official Web site, telling the world he is gay. “Today is my day, this is my time, and this is my moment. These years in silence and reflection made me stronger and reminded me that acceptance has to come from within and that this kind of truth gives me the power to conquer emotions I didn’t even know existed … I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man. I am very blessed to be who I am,” he wrote. “What will happen from now on? It doesn’t matter. I can only focus on what’s happening to me in this moment. The word ‘happiness’ takes on a new meaning for me as of today. It has been a very intense process. Every word that I write in this letter is born out of love, acceptance, detachment and real contentment. Writing this is a solid step towards my inner peace and vital part of my evolution,” Marin continues.
Man, I didn’t see this coming. I need to go skip rocks on a lake or do that thing where you walk around with your hands on your head because my mind is completely blown. Ricky Martin? Gay?? I just don’t believe it.
I don’t know if Twitter is giving out awards this year, but I think Coco might have some competition in the “Best Achievement in Attention Whore” category.