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As promised, here’s a list of chicks who I will never have sex with no matter how popular this site gets. To my knowledge, only one of the chicks on this list knows this site exists and was cornered into saying that she loved me by Ryan over at our kick ass horror site. So luckily for me my girlfriend bought me a TX watch for Christmas and kept my balls drained like Britney Spears’ wallet at a Krispy Kreme. Screw you, Megan!
NOTE: Just so we’re clear: Kelly Brook, Keeley Hazell, Lucy Pinder, Bar Rafaeli, Marisa Miller, Adriana Lima, and Alessandra Ambrosio have had their IDLYITW jerseys retired and are so hot they don’t need to be on this list. It’s just kinda assumed.
10. Amber Heard
Amber Heard should really be on here more, so if she could get hooked on heroin or kill a Filipino child while wearing a bikini that would be great for me.
9. January Jones
She’s stars in Mad Men and used to let Ashton Kutcher hit it. Well, she’s not getting an award for having standards, so we’re good here.
8. Blake Lively
Blonde and legs that make you want to commit a hate crime against your penis.
7. Katy Perry
If you never knew the importance of a great rack until now, please realize that this is the only reason Katy Perry is on this list. She’s annoying and her music sucks, but her tits transport me to a place of magic and wonder where anything is possible. Her attorneys say otherwise, but what do they know of love?
6. Rosie Jones
I could say something here, but if I have to convince you that she’s hot, you might want to take another test in Cosmo. Because you’re gay you see.
5. Olivia Wilde
She looks like a extra on Antz or sex slave in the Star Wars cantina, but it all works. She’s beautiful. And she looks like I would need a shoehorn to get my penis in her ass. As you can understand, this pleases me a great deal.
4. Miranda Kerr
My dreams about Miranda Kerr are like and episode of Law and Order: SVU, but luckily for me that Etorphine Hydrochloride doesn’t show up in autopsies. I’m so smooth with the ladies!!
3. Ashley Greene
She looks like Megan Fox except she doesn’t need a genie to do PR for her and she likes to get naked and take pictures of herself. If you have a problem with this, then maybe you should get back to decorating your Big Top cupcake you big homo.
2. Candice Swanepoel
The only African-American on the list. I love diversity! African-Americans usually can’t pull off blonde hair, but I think she’s broken down some long held stereotypes.
1. Megan Fox
I really hope you didn’t think anybody else was gonna be #1 did you? I hope not. Because I hope it’s obvious at this point that I would have sex with Megan Fox in front of a daycare at recess.