Tiger’s Wife Is Hot, Insane

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Tiger Woods was in a single car accident at 2:25am yesterday, and it was reported that his wife, model Elin Nordegren, heard the crash and used a golf club to knock out the back window and drag him out of the car. Ironically, it was reported last week that Tiger Woods had recently cheated on Nordegren and the marriage is now strained. Man, so I wonder why he sped out of his driveway in the middle of night? Oh, I know. His wife was trying to kill him. TMZ reports:

Tiger Woods did not suffer facial lacerations from a car accident. They were inflicted by his wife, Elin Nordegren — according to a conversation Woods had Friday after the accident. Tiger has yet to be formally interviewed by the Florida Highway Patrol — that should happen this afternoon. But we’re told Tiger had a conversation Friday — with a non-law enforcement type — detailing what went down before his Escalade hit a fire hydrant. We’re told he said his wife had confronted him about reports that he was seeing another woman. The argument got heated and, according to our source, she scratched his face up. We’re told it was then Woods beat a hasty retreat for his SUV — but according to our source, Woods says his wife followed behind with a golf club. As Tiger drove away, she struck the vehicle several times with the club. We’re told Woods became “distracted,” thought the vehicle was stopped, and looked to see what had happened. At that point the SUV hit the fire hydrant and then hit a tree. We’re also told Woods had said during the conversation Friday he had been taking prescription pain medication for an injury, which could explain why he seemed somewhat out of it at the scene.

This is gonna sound way worse than it should, but when you’re that famous and rich, why even get married? It seems like a waste. Tiger Woods could have more asses in his lap than Santa, but he got some Swedish model pregnant, now he can’t look at another chick without getting beat with a golf club like he’s at GITMO. That’s why I only date high school girls. The only way they want to get married is if we’re playing SIMS.

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