OK, I Lied By todd June 24, 2009



I realized I said I wouldn’t write about Perez Hilton anymore, but that’s before some Canadian gossip website called Drink The Glitter posted these pictures of Perez Hilton screaming and flinching like an abused child after getting a fist of justice to his dumb ass face. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but if Jesus doesn’t stop a meteor from crashing into Earth sometime this afternoon or if the cast of my penis isn’t the top story tonight on CNN, this might be the best fucking thing you see all day.

I realized I said I wouldn’t write about Perez Hilton anymore, but that’s before some Canadian gossip website called Drink The Glitter posted these pictures of Perez Hilton screaming and…

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Vanessa Minnillo is Single By todd June 24, 2009

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After three years of dating, Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey have split. You know, not that I really give a damn. Star Magazine reports:

“They have amicably split but remain good friends who still greatly care for one another,” Vanessa’s rep said. Talk of trouble has followed the duo for months. Back in May, Star reported that Nick was hitting on a Jessica look-alike at a Kentucky Derby party — the night after he kissed another girl at a club.

So to recap, a chick who barely anybody knows dumped some guy that you liked when you were 14 then realized that boy bands are gay so you banged the guy in your high school who sold drugs and drove that new Jeep. Except it really wasn’t his Jeep it was his dad’s because his dad was rich and the guy was just a wigger you thought was cool because he wore his hat backwards and used words he learned on BET and listened to rap because he could identify with it because how he was raised in that gated community on the golf course where his mom got drunk that one time and slipped, hey you remember that? He even had a pitbull because after all that’s what black people do and he felt that if he did he could be black too, because black people are cool because they can like dance and stuff and rent Ferrari’s for a day when they do a videoshoot and sip champagne when dey thurstay. I guess I could ramble on a little more, but I hope this clears this whole story up.

Vanessa Minnillo and her nipples back when Nick Lachey was supposedly cool:

After three years of dating, Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey have split. You know, not that I really give a damn. Star Magazine reports: “They have amicably split but remain…

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Umm, Damn By todd June 24, 2009

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Since I refuse to write about that self-aggrandizing. bitter queen or the chick with the Nazi hair and her ping-pong playing kids anymore, here’s Hilary Duff in Hawaii prancing around in a bikini. I had basically forgotten what Hilary Duff looked like until I saw these pictures today, and um, has she always looked like this? Did I miss something? Because I’m pretty sure I’d fuck her now. Yep, I’m pretty sure. I’m also pretty sure that I’m going to try that new Italian place for lunch today. Ah, Wednesday! What a day of exciting new possibilities!

Since I refuse to write about that self-aggrandizing. bitter queen or the chick with the Nazi hair and her ping-pong playing kids anymore, here’s Hilary Duff in Hawaii prancing around…

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Mr. Blonde is on Top of the World By todd June 24, 2009



Actor and brother of actress Virginia Madsen, Michael Madsen has starred in such movies as Reservoir Dogs, Kill Bill, Free Willy, SIn City, and Donnie Brasco. Although he never reached stardom, Madsen invested his money wisely and now lives comfortably with his family at their ostrich and rescued puppy ranch in Montana. Except that last sentence isn’t true. Because in reality, Madsen is $4 million in debt and basically owes money to anybody he’s ever worked with.
TMZ reports:

Nothing ruins a good friendship like money — so it’s safe to say Pierce Brosnan and Quentin Tarantino won’t be talking to Michael Madsen anytime soon. Seems Madsen is in debt to both guys big time. According to bankruptcy documents Madsen filed earlier this month, he owes $25,000 to 007 — but he’s into QT for a cool $1 million! Pierce and QT shouldn’t hold their breath while they wait for the “personal loans” to get paid back.

I once won $500 for reciting all the dialogue to Reservoir Dogs while it played with the sound off, so part of me kinda feels sorry for this dude. That’s of course until I realize he probably blew it all on prostitutes and poker. That’s why I’m a big advocate of Thai hookers. They’re cheap and don’t really weigh your trunk down when they can’t handle their blow. I mean, from a pratical consumer standpoint, I think it just makes the most sense.

You gonna bark all day, little doggy? Or are you gonna bite?:

Actor and brother of actress Virginia Madsen, Michael Madsen has starred in such movies as Reservoir Dogs, Kill Bill, Free Willy, SIn City, and Donnie Brasco. Although he never reached…
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Audrina Patridge is in a Commercial By todd June 23, 2009

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I realize her face looks like something Starfleet would fight, but if I wanted somebody to buy a hamburger, I guess I could do a lot worse than Audrina Patridge. She’s a skinny brunette with big tits. And just so we’re clear, that’s my penis’ answer for everything.

I realize her face looks like something Starfleet would fight, but if I wanted somebody to buy a hamburger, I guess I could do a lot worse than Audrina Patridge….

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Jon & Kate Plus 8 Plus Divorce Attorney’s Fees By todd June 23, 2009



Jon and Kate Gosselin announced last night that they have officially filed for divorce. In other news you didn’t see coming: Tomorrow is Wednesday. Can you believe it?! People reports:

With an hour-long special broadcast Monday night, Jon and Kate Gosselin, parents of eight young children and stars of the TLC reality show Jon & Kate Plus Eight, publicly announced that they will separate on the same day they filed for divorce in a Pennsylvania court. “Over the course of this weekend, Jon’s activities have left me no choice but to file legal procedures in order to protect myself and our children,” Kate said in a statement Monday night. “While there are reasons why it was appropriate and necessary for me to initiate this proceeding, I do not wish to discuss those reasons at this time, in the hope that all issues will be resolved amicably between Jon and myself. As always, my first priority remains our children.” Jon released a statement of his own, claiming his wife was the first to make a legal move. “This afternoon, Kate filed for divorce. Our kids are still my number one priority. I love them and want to make sure they stay happy, healthy and safe. My job is being the best, most supportive and loving father that I can be to my kids, and not being married to Kate doesn’t change that.”

Fuck this bitch. I’m surprised Jon hadn’t disappeared in the underground railroad to escape this evil cunt. If I was Jon Gosselin I’d sell a cow for some magic beans or use the silver coin I found to buy a Wonka Bar, because obviously this is the luckiest day of his life.

Jon and Kate Gosselin announced last night that they have officially filed for divorce. In other news you didn’t see coming: Tomorrow is Wednesday. Can you believe it?! People reports:…

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Sissy Fight!!! By todd June 23, 2009

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As you probably already heard, Perez Hilton got his ass beat down like an Iraqi prisoner by Black Eyed Peas’ frontman, Will.I.Am (Pretentious for “William”? Not sure) Sunday night after the MuchMusic Video Awards in Toronto. Now for the irony, GLAAD now wants to kick his ass too, because the gay slur (fucking faggot) he used during the argument that was caught on tape, apparently doesn’t make GLAAD feel all that glad.:( Hilton says in a statement to TMZ:

“I am saddened GLAAD chose to victimize me further by criticizing me for how I non-violently dealt with a very scary situation that, unfortunately, turned violent. While I doubt I will get an apology from GLAAD, nor do I expect one, I would just hope people know how difficult it is to intellectualize a situation and think rationally when a thug disguised as a musician is screaming at your face and intimidating you. I am just very fortunate and grateful that nothing more serious happened to me.”

Man, this should be fun. A war between a fat queer and and an army of gays. I have no idea what something like that entails, but I’m pretty sure we can expect a Judy Garland karaoke contest and a baton twirling competition at some point.

This post is ridiculously gay, so here’s Marisa Miller and her kick ass stomach and perfect tits to apologize:

As you probably already heard, Perez Hilton got his ass beat down like an Iraqi prisoner by Black Eyed Peas’ frontman, Will.I.Am (Pretentious for “William”? Not sure) Sunday night after…

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RIP Ed McMahon By todd June 23, 2009



Ed McMahon, comedian, gameshow host, announcer, WWII Marine fighter pilot, and sidekick to the legendary Johnny Carson for 30 years, died this morning. He was 86. MSNBC reports:

Publicist Howard Bragman says McMahon died early Tuesday at Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center surrounded by his family. Bragman didn’t give a cause of death, saying only that McMahon had a “multitude of health problems the last few months.”

Not to get too personal here, but one of my favorite memories as a kid is visiting my Dad’s family and my cool aunt letting me stay up to watch Johnny Carson. For once, I really have nothing bad to say. Except of course for your mom. She really needs to stop calling me.

Ed McMahon, comedian, gameshow host, announcer, WWII Marine fighter pilot, and sidekick to the legendary Johnny Carson for 30 years, died this morning. He was 86. MSNBC reports: Publicist Howard…
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Chris Brown Isn’t Going To Jail By todd June 23, 2009

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Although he did this to Rihanna because she dared to ask him about a woman he was texting, Chris Brown was sentenced to 180 days of community service in his home state of Virginia where he will, as punishment, be picking up trash, pulling weeds and washing fire trucks. Pardon me while I go punch a hole in the wall. TMZ reports:

He gets 5 years probation for FELONY assault — he pled guilty. He’ll get supervised probation. He’ll have to come back to court every three months. He must enroll in a domestic violence counseling program. This is interesting … the judge said if Brown and Rihanna are at the same public events, the 50-yard stay away turns into 10 yards. The stay away order lasts 5 years. The judge said she wanted to make sure that Chris Brown “was treated as any other person who comes through this court.” If Brown violates probation, he could get up to 4 years in prison. Rihanna is in the courthouse but never entered the courtroom. So Brown is now a convicted felon and loses the following rights: To own a gun, to sit on a jury, subject to search and seizure without a search warrant and he now has limitations on travel. When Brown left the courtroom … Rihanna walked in the courtroom. The judge explained the deal to her. The judge is telling Rihanna about the protective order.

Wow. Thanks again California judicial system. I’m sure a woman beater will learn his lesson by doing chores I did when I was 10. Man, it’s a good thing he didn’t kill her then you’d really have to punish him to the fullest extent of California law. Like sentencing him to watch a scary movie or going to bed without ice cream. That’ll teach him!!

Although he did this to Rihanna because she dared to ask him about a woman he was texting, Chris Brown was sentenced to 180 days of community service in his…

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I Think I’m Gonna Be Sick By todd June 23, 2009



Shauna Sand is in a bikini in almost every picture she takes, but here she is with half of it off. I know I’m supposed to get excited about topless pictures, but my penis is so unimpressed he looks like a quadriplegic trying to swim. It’s not happening. Because, just so we’re clear, you’re about to look at Shauna Sand’s tits. You have a better chance of seeing something less scary if you were on board the Event Horizon.

If you’re in a safe place and you want to take a long look at the unadulterated hell that are Shauna Sand’s tits, feel free to stare into the abyss HERE (VERY NSFW). But be warned, when you stare too long into the abyss, the abyss also stares into you.

Shauna Sand is in a bikini in almost every picture she takes, but here she is with half of it off. I know I’m supposed to get excited about topless…

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