For all intents and purposes, my tongue would squegee Jessica Biel’s ass like a damn windshield, but did I miss something? When did she become Puerto Rican? Does she have a pager and go to parades now, because she’s like a 1,000 times darker compared to this time last month. I don’t know what kind of industrial strength tanning solution she’s using but it’s pretty clear that after applying it, Step #2 involves laying under a space shuttle while it’s launching or Superman flying you to the sun.
Note: Speaking of Superman, I thought I’d seen Smallville enough to know that Clark Kent didn’t have an effeminate cousin who was apparently the president of the AV Club. Turns out I was wrong: