The Korean Tom Cruise

Joaquin Phoenix, who has “quit” acting to start a “rapping” career has this guy totally fooled. His name is Dan Suh, and he used to be the tour manager for Fallout Boy. Now, just like Phoenix, he stopped doing something he was pretty good at to pursue music as a working DJ. He sent this “open letter” to MTV News:

Dear Joaquin,

You say you want to give up acting to show the world who the real Joaquin Phoenix is? Well, the real Joaquin — the rapper Joaquin — clearly needs a DJ if he’s going to get any hip-hop cred. Run-DMC and Jam Master Jay. The Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff. Joaquin Phoenix and DJ Dan Suh. It already has a ring to it!

What makes me qualified, you might ask? Well, if you bothered to check out my MySpace profile (935 friends and counting), you would notice that I have rubbed elbows with some of the greatest names in hip-hop. I even have the pictures to prove it. Look, there’s me and LL Cool J, me and the Jigga Man, me and Lil Wayne. It’s not like I randomly met these people, posed for a single photo, and never saw them again. Who would want to do that? (Side note: If you, for some reason, are friends with Dr. Dre, please let me know so I can have my camera ready for the photo op.)

I own a piece of bling. That’s right, a genuine piece of diamond-studded gold jewelry fashioned by Johnny Dang, the Grillmaster himself. You may have seen Johnny featured in hip-hop videos with Nelly and Paul Wall. He’s Asian too! See, Asians can have cred in hip-hop. Can’t argue with that one, can you? CAN YOU?

I live in a celebrity pool house. OK, that may have nothing to do with qualifying me to be your DJ, but it’s a pretty sweet pool house, and you’re welcome to crash. There’s plenty of room for you and Casey Affleck’s camera crew. Kick up your feet and just be the real you. Enjoy this J while I throw on an EPMD record … I don’t judge.

You know where to find me next time you have a show in Vegas. I will be waiting patiently next to the pool for the phone call.

Sincerely,

DJ Dan Suh a.k.a. Korean Tom Cruise

Joaquin’s response: he “doesn’t need a DJ.” Then, he crumpled up the note and threw it over his shoulder.

Next time, I’d suggest not signing ANYTHING with a.k.a Korean Tom Cruise.

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