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Well, it’s officially afternoon in NC so I’m ready to start drinking. But first, we’d like to take a minute to toast all of our readers for making 2008 another great year. We’ll be back on Friday, so be on the look out for some of the new things we have planned for 2009 (hint: we’ll be posting on weekends, bitches!) So have fun tonight, be safe, and drink one for me. Oh, and if you get arrested, don’t worry about it. It’s not like it’s your fault that the Vietnamese prostitute couldn’t pronounce the safe word. What are you, an English teacher all of a sudden?
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In case you were wondering how Joaquin Phoenix’s retirement from acting was going, don’t worry, it’s going exactly as you thought it would. The Sun reports:
FEARS are mounting for the well being of JOAQUIN PHOENIX, whose scruffy appearance is a far cry from his former pin-up days. The 34-year-old arrived at a star-laden party in Miami Beach looking bloated and sporting a huge scraggly beard. Since announcing his retirement from acting this year, Joaquin appears to have neglected his personal grooming. Alongside CASEY AFFLECK and P DIDDY, he looked rather more cave dweller than Hollywood A-lister. A source told a paper: “For people who know Joaquin, it’s been an incredibly traumatic year, filled with chaos. Everyone wants to help but nobody’s been able to break through. His bizarre behaviour has everyone worried. It’s just getting scary.”
I really don’t see what the big deal is here. He looks okay to me. Especially if his hobbies include using puppies to get little girls in his van, trying to dig out the microchip in his brain that the aliens put there to record his dreams, or whatever the hell it is that insane lunatics do.
You can see more pictures of Joaquin in Miami here, but be careful, they might be the creepiest things you see all day.
Of course they’re both overrated, pretentious bitches, but since we all know that chicks should be judged by their bodies and their bodies alone, Solange Knowles is way better than Beyonce. I really don’t have any number in front of me, but I think it’s mostly because Beyonce looks like a centaur from the waist down. If you spray painted Beyonce purple she could show up at birthday parties and teach kids about the value of sharing and having good manners.
Christian The Lion just reminded me that no animal or person loves me [Videogum]
Putting your mouth on Ashlee Simpson’s boobs? Ok, I guess. Drinking her breast milk? Not as kosher. [celebritysmackblog]
Oops, I didn’t know we couldn’t talk about
sex Madonna’s mustache. [The Daily Fix]
Kanye West is staying indoors for New Year’s, because it’s Rockin’ Eve not New Year’s Auto-Tuning Eve!!!!11!!! [Pink Is The New Blog]
Sexy Scarlett Johansson says she’ll grow out of sexy. Ryan Reynolds says, “I’ve set divorce lawyers on speed dial.” [Popoholic]
It’s either Lily Allen topless or the worst mosquito bites I’ve ever seen on (more…)
Matt Dillon was arrested in Vermont last night on charges of “I’m an actor and laws do not apply to me.” WCAX-TV reports:
An Academy award winning movie star was arrested in Vermont overnight. State Police stopped Matt Dillon, who was traveling 106 miles per hour on Interstate 91 in Newbury. He is due in court next month to answer to a charge of excessive speed. The 44-year-old Dillon has appeared in dozens of movies and won an Oscar for his role in the 2004 film Crash. He also appeared in other popular movies including Something About Mary and You, Me and Dupree.
Wow, did they really have to mention You, Me and Dupree? Quite frankly, I think they just did that to be mean.
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In case you hadn’t heard yet, Lisa Rinna has agreed to do Playboy again next year (she posed in 1998 while she was pregnant), so here’s a little idea of what she might look like. Awesome. I can’t wait. Because nothing turns me on like a middle-aged mom whose had more work than the Millennium Falcon. If I had sex with her I’m pretty sure I’d have to use an oil can at some point.
Jeremy Piven is currently in Bangkok undergoing treatment for mercury poisoning, and no matter how ridiculous that just sounded, he currently has a new girlfriend – 23 year old bottle waitress and ex-model, Ashley Chontos. The pair met at Britney Spears’ 27th birthday party earlier this month and it was love at first sight. And when I say “love at first sight”, I mean whatever means the exact opposite of that. Gatecrasher reports:
Despite Piven’s obvious interest, an insider tells us that the ex-Choice Model was actually runnerup for the actor’s affections. “Jeremy met several girls at Britney’s birthday party,” the source says. “He was really interested in a model who happens to be Ashley’s direct competition, but he was so insistent in his pursuit that he freaked her out. She stopped returning his calls, so he settled for Ashley in the long run.” Says another source: “He’s a numbers boy. He gathers up girls’ numbers when he’s out. That night, he sent out a mass text to everyone he’d met, saying, ‘Come to my room – whoever responds first gets me for the night.’”
Piven is a massive prick and a notorious horndog, so it really shouldn’t come as a shock to think that he would believe a good game would be anything with him as a prize at the end. Although I have to admit, the “fire enough and something will eventually hit” tactic is pretty effective. It works particularly well in games of capture the flag or if you’re trying avoid landmines in Cambodia.
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Twilight star, Robert Pattinson, defended the late Heath Ledger after a comedian at the Improv in Hollywood did an “impression” of Ledger. Entertainmentwise via the print copy of Us Magazine reports:
The comedian on stage is said to have simulated Heath convulsing on the floor – in reference to the alleged overdose he took in January earlier this year. According to U.S reports Robert and his pals immediately began booing and yelling at the distasteful routine. Onlookers say the boys shouted, “F**k you! You suck! Leave Heath Ledger alone!”
I had already made up my mind to hate this dude, but then he goes and does something like this. This sounds like some badass stuff I would do. You know, unless somebody then threatens me with physical violence. Then I blow the rape whistle that my mommy gave me.
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Sara Tumble, a former nanny for Heather Mills’ daughter, Breatrice, is suing Mills claiming sex discrimination and intimidation. In her suit, Tumble claims Mills forced her to give her naked spray tans and insist that Tumble arrived at work at 7:30am to blow dry Mills’ hair. However, a video (above) has hit YouTube under mysterious circumstances that shows Sara Tumble singing the praises of Heather Mills. Why would she be filmed doing this yet is now suing her? Because the only thing missing from this video is a blindfold and a terrorists’ list of demands. The Sun reports:
But a close friend of Trumble told a newspaper the 24-year-old is unhappy with the leaked footage, called Sara Trumble: My Story. The source said: “Sara is absolutely fuming about that video. All Heather’s staff are ordered to film a 15-minute interview when they join, saying what a wonderful woman she is and how evil the newspapers are. Sara agreed to do it, and didn’t think much about it. Heather must have hours of footage of all her staff at home. A few seconds of footage from Sara’s interview was stuck together with pictures of the story about her court case, to make it look like she’s being interviewed today. Heather was in the room when Sara was filmed.”
Of course Heather Mills planted this, because that’s what narcissistic megalomaniacs do. I swear, when Heather Mills finally dies it’ll be because she was flying to close to the sun.
Here’s a half-naked Kelly Brook instead of Heather Mills because I realized I was looking for pictures of a ugly British bitch with one leg. I hope you’re okay with that:
Most guys don’t like John Mayer’s vagina begging music because if you have a BMW or money to buy all the weed and beer, you don’t have to keep this kind of crap on your iPod to get college chicks to blow you. So don’t be shocked when you don’t like Mayer’s live cover of Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas is You.” Say what you want about Mariah’s crazy ass, but at least she knows how to sing a Christmas song. When I hear a song about Christmas, I want to think about snow and presents, not playing hacky sack or making my own bong.