Don’t Worry, Queen Oprah is Fine



Wildfires are burning the crap out of Santa Barbara and Montecito, California right now. Places like homes, school dorms, and monasteries are toast, but never you fear, your favorite celebrity homes are still intact. Why? They have their own private little fire departments to protect their estates. Are they sharing their precious water with their peasant neighbors? Click the pictures below for your answer.

I’m convinced Oprah is that guy from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, the guy who guarded the Bridge of Death. If you try to cross the Montecito bridge and don’t answer these questions three correctly, Oprah sets fire to you and casts you into the canyon of doom.

Answer key: YES, Oprah is God, NO, Oprah is not a lesbian, YES, Oprah is God.

Photos: Splash

Edit: Thanks to those of you who reminded me goat horns guy wasn’t the bridgekeeper. I am so very ashamed.

Dear Rob Lowe…
Update: Rob Lowe, please stop using this to get people to pay attention to you. Montecito residents tried to keep their landscape open and pretty until celebs like you moved there and ruined it with your big ugly walls. You make a spectacle of yourself all the time. I’ve dealt with you. I want to love you because you were funny in Tommy Boy, so I’m going to try to keep loving you for that, and forget you acting like an ass all the other times. You scored some prime real estate, so please help the hippies who put up with you all these years. I’ll still keep jilling off to you in St. Elmo’s, because you looked like John Taylor in The Reflex video, and … oh my God it’s hot in here. Somebody open a window and get me a paper bag. *pant pant*

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