Kate Bosworth is at the Beach By todd April 30, 2007

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If you’re into bobble heads and breast plates, then look no further, Kate Bosworth is in a bikini. I bet you can only imagine curling up with her by a warm fire and changing out her IV. Sexy? You better believe it, baby.

If you’re into bobble heads and breast plates, then look no further, Kate Bosworth is in a bikini. I bet you can only imagine curling up with her by a…

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Pete Wentz is Super Cool By todd April 30, 2007

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If you’re an emo kid and you wonder why you’re always getting your ass kicked, this video should give you a hint as to why. If a dude ever came up to me and wanted to share his tips on putting on eyeliner, I’ll be glad to share my tips on how to stop the bleeding. Especially when step #2 is “smear it, because if you’re a guy, you don’t want your makeup to look perfect.” Oh yeah, totally! Because the last thing a guy wants when he’s wearing eyeliner is to look gay.

Pete Wentz, Ashlee Simpson, and skinny jeans:

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Pete Wentz is Gay

If you’re an emo kid and you wonder why you’re always getting your ass kicked, this video should give you a hint as to why. If a dude ever came…

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American Idol Girls are Bad By todd April 30, 2007

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Jessica Sierra, an American Idol top 10 finalist in 2005, was arrested after hitting a man in the face with a glass at Tampa bar on Sunday. NY Daily News reports:

Sierra, 21, was booked in the Hillsborough County Jail on a charge of aggravated battery with a deadly weapon. She was also charged with possession of cocaine and introduction of contraband into a correctional facility after officers found a small amount of the drug while searching her, police spokeswoman Andrea Davis said. Sierra was released Sunday afternoon on $11,500 bail. There was no immediate indication if she had a lawyer.”

I have no clue who Jessica Sierra is, but she’s fat, so she must have been some kind of American Idol hero. Whoever she is, this story really isn’t surprising because chicks on this show are crazy and usually do stuff like this, this, this and this. Blinding some guy with shards of glass seems pretty tame and boring in comparison. Also tame and boring in comparison is my sex tape with my housekeeper. Look Consuela, do you want to see your family again or not?

Jessica Sierra, an American Idol top 10 finalist in 2005, was arrested after hitting a man in the face with a glass at Tampa bar on Sunday. NY Daily News…

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Britney Spears is a Total Whore By jenny April 30, 2007

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Watch out, mother of two coming through. Line forms on the the left … driver’s side. She’s the fluffer. All access fishnets, baby. Pick a hole, any hole. No, not that one… or that one. Or that one. Or that one. Those are reserved for the first round draft picks. Aw, Brady Quinn, you almost missed it! Lucky you!

Watch out, mother of two coming through. Line forms on the the left … driver’s side. She’s the fluffer. All access fishnets, baby. Pick a hole, any hole. No, not…

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Victoria Beckham’s Implants are Still Stupid By jenny April 30, 2007

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I’m not a tranny, but if I was born a male and chose to be a tranny, I’d be the Pig-Nosed Waif rather than the in-the-closet gay males’ icon, Jessica Simpson. Both of those “women” are humped and chiseled, but at least Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham is British. And according to my world travel guide, British trannies tell better jokes than Texas trannies. Don’t blame me, blame the Monty Python people, people.

I’m not a tranny, but if I was born a male and chose to be a tranny, I’d be the Pig-Nosed Waif rather than the in-the-closet gay males’ icon, Jessica…

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Us Weekly Thinks These People are Hot By todd April 27, 2007

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Today is boring and I really need to go ahead and start drinking so, here are some of the chicks who “sizzled up the gold carpet” at Us Magazine’s Hot Hollywood Party last night. Obviously, the word “hot” is not really happy about all this:

Jennifer Lopez also won the prestigious Style Icon of The Year Award. It’s so prestigious, I’ve never heard of it. I’m not sure what it takes to win, but I assume it involves jeans with the ass stretched out and looking like a male Jennifer Lopez impersonator.

Paris Hilton just needs to go ahead and get an eye patch and a parrot, and get it over with. That eye is basically closed. She looks depressed, so maybe her right eye is some sort of mood eye. If it’s open, that means she’s alive. And that doesn’t put me in a good mood.

Seriously, is there any doubt that Ashlee Simpson is the hot sister now? Granted, Ashlee’s still kinda fug, but at least she has an actual woman’s face. Jessica Simpson looks like Bill Cowher with a blonde wig and collagen injections.

The freckled whore in curls:

Carmen Electra is pretty much the only exception to this list. She’s still getting it done after all these years, and she doesn’t mind getting naked. And if you’re a hot chick with big boobs, it says somewhere in the Constitution that you’re legally obligated. Sorry, ladies!

Today is boring and I really need to go ahead and start drinking so, here are some of the chicks who “sizzled up the gold carpet” at Us Magazine’s Hot…

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White Links By jenny April 27, 2007

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Petra Nemcova is way hotter [Hollywood Tuna]
Tyra Banks is obsessed with boobs and booty [Hollywood Rag]
Fergie is fug and greasy [Dlisted]
Keira Knightley likes Mom Jeans too [Just Jared]
Maria Menounos kicks it old school [Popoholic]
Lindsay Lohan gets Photoshopped for Allure [Egotastic]
Nancy Grace‘s sidekick gives us the wrong stats [College Humor]
Eddie Murphy‘s hot tub days [City Rag]
Jenna Elfman defends fellow Scientologist, Tom Cruise [ASL]
Nic and Jessica’s Bogus Journey (Next) [Pajiba]
How many illegal aliens can you fit in a mini van? [Horny Oyster]
Hilary Duff sans makeup and tan [Popsugar]
Alyson Hannigan in a bikini (NSFW ads) [Drunken Stepfather]
Jenny McCarthy wins the “best breasts” debate [Double Viking]



Bonus: Lucy Pinder and Michelle Marsh. Girls kissing, for the win:

Petra Nemcova is way hotter [Hollywood Tuna] Tyra Banks is obsessed with boobs and booty [Hollywood Rag] Fergie is fug and greasy [Dlisted] Keira Knightley likes Mom Jeans too [Just…

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Britney Spears is Writing a Book By todd April 27, 2007

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Despite warnings from her family that it will damage her career even further, Britney Spears is going ahead with her plans to write a $10 million tell all book. The book, which is said to be at the urging of the female therapist Britney has been seeing since rehab, will attack every significant person in her life.

Justin Timberlake:

“Brit blames most of her problems with drugs and alcohol of the heartache she experienced years before, during her time with Justin; she couldn’t trust him…She also felt he became mean towards the end of their relationship; she said he called her fat and told her she’d need to lose weight before he would have sex with her.”

Lynn Spears:

“Britney will call her a ‘stage mum from hell’ and blame her for almost every ill in her life. She’ll say Lynne’s money hungry and that she was just along for the free ride…Britney thinks of her as a meddling, smothering person and blames her for her messy marriages.”

Kevin Federline:

“…Brit will say he deliberately tried to drive her crazy. She feels Kevin just pretended to love her for the money and a music career. When that sunk in, she was so heartbroken that she wanted to kill herself.”

Yikes, Britney’s had a pretty rough life. I’m surprised she hasn’t killed herself yet. No seriously, I am. I sent detailed instructions on how to tie the noose, what more do I have to do?

I guess Britney is technically with her kids in these pictures from yesterday because she’s in the frame, but notice how she can’t be bothered to hold them. You could put Britney in a lineup with Flicka, Kobe Bryant, a can opener and point one of those big neon arrows at Britney, and Jayden James couldn’t tell you which one was his mother.

Source

Despite warnings from her family that it will damage her career even further, Britney Spears is going ahead with her plans to write a $10 million tell all book. The…

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Paris Hilton is Dead. Sort of. By jenny April 27, 2007

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Capla Kesting Fine Art is using Paris Hilton’s drunk driving as a PSA aimed at teenagers to encourage them not to drink and drive. So they killed her and will let you play with her “corpse.”

An interactive Public Service Announcement featuring the graphic display of a tiara-wearing, autopsied Paris Hilton with removable innards is designed
to warn teenagers of the hazards of underage drinking. The display also
features Tinkerbell, Hilton’s forlorn pet Chihuahua with matching tiara,
and debuts in the trendy Williamsburg, Brooklyn neighborhood where
prom-goers frequently dine, courtesy of Capla Kesting Fine Art.

“Campaign to Rescue Women of Youth” featuring “The Paris Hilton
Autopsy” offers a cadaveric nude Paris Hilton, laid out with twisted body
and opened abdominal cavity on a coroner’s table, while her cell phone
remains in her grip. The ‘unglamorous’ display which includes support
material from anti-drunk driving organizations counters “the disturbingly
glamorized trend of Hollywood’s ‘girls gone wild’,” according to gallery
director, David Kesting.”

Not included on the list of “removable innards” are her massive ego, wonky eye, ostrich eggs, beak and countless calcified sperm chunks. But that’s okay. This is a good start.

Here’s she is before they release the guts (“pre-autopsy form”). One of these is probably NSFW.

Source: ParisHiltonAutopsy.com Thanks, Cara!

Capla Kesting Fine Art is using Paris Hilton’s drunk driving as a PSA aimed at teenagers to encourage them not to drink and drive. So they killed her and will…

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Is Angelina Jolie Dying? By todd April 27, 2007

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Her high-profile commitments with the UN coupled with the death of her mother, have reportedly taken a toll on Angelina Jolie’s health, but after appearing at the Global Action for Children news conference yesterday looking emaciated and exhausted, sources say that Angelina’s rapid loss of weight is a result of a potentially deadly disease.

….Jolie is “losing her hair”, suffers “uncontrollable shaking” and is plagued by blinding headaches. Jolie’s brother James Haven has publicly stated he is worried about his sister’s health, though he was more concerned with her shocking weight loss since giving birth to baby Shiloh last May.”

I can’t say this is a shock because who knows what Angelina has caught from whatever villager who gave her a bone necklace. Of course you’re gonna catch something in a place where a goat and a car battery are considered infrastructure. But really, I don’t what I’d do if she died. Breaking into a morgue carrying condoms and a mix tape seems like it would be pretty hard.

Source

Her high-profile commitments with the UN coupled with the death of her mother, have reportedly taken a toll on Angelina Jolie’s health, but after appearing at the Global Action for…

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