Britney Spears is on the Clock

The National Enquirer is reporting that Britney Spears attempted to kill herself twice in the hours after she was seen shaving her head. After a failed intervention, in which Britney thought was going to be a reconciliation with Kevin Federline, Britney reportedly became hysterical and ended up at Esther’s Haircutting Studio.

Hours after creating a media frenzy by shaving her head, sources say the troubled star tried to take her own life by walking into traffic, only to be rescued at the last second by her staff. But that wasn’t the end of Britney’s self-destructive impulses. A short time later she was rushed to a doctor after saying she was going to kill herself and then taking too many Xanax, say the sources…”After she shaved off her hair, Britney had a complete breakdown and tried to kill herself,” an insider told The Enquirer.”

This story has yet to be confirmed (and is still developing), but it sounds about right, because I mean really, why wouldn’t Britney fuck this up? Any self-respecting person would’ve put a gun in their mouth or jumped off a building, but no, not our Britney. She can’t do anything right. I’m surprised she didn’t try to drown herself by splashing water in her face or just sitting in a chair and holding her breath.

Britney not long after she checked herself out of rehab today:

Update: A song dedicated to Britney. I know, I’m so mean and insensitive. – Jenny