The People’s Choice Awards Were Last Night

Queen Latifah and Vince Vaughn are giants by Hollywood’s outta whack height standards, but look at Eva Longoria. I had no idea what a midget this girl is. If I was a hostess at a restaurant and Eva came strolling in for dinner, I’d offer the grown-ups in her group a booster seat for their toddler and then point to Eva. Then they’d tell me, “That’s Eva Longoria.” And I’d say, “Hi there, little Eva, how old are you? Are you this many?” as I’m holding up four fingers. It would pretty much go like that until I got fired and collected unemployment.

I couldn’t think of any way to make fun of Ali Larter. She played it safe and looks hot. So I’ll just write “nipples” and move on…

In addition to having a last name that sounds like a section of a Victoria’s Secret store, Hayden Panettiere was born on August 21, 1989 which makes her like 10 years old or something. Each time I started to write about her, my curtains would move because of the Dateline cameras behind them. So I’ll just drink my sweet tea they made for me and shut up.

I didn’t watch the show and now I’m saddened because I missed Robin Williams. I love the way he exhausts me with the same routine he’s been using since 1910 which is drenched with neverending, unfunny impressions of famous people. I hope he went up there and said, “Robin couldn’t be here, so Jack Nicholson and John Wayne will be accepting this award on his behalf.” and then Robin went back and forth acting like Jack and John were talking to each other and the people in the audience did that ass kissing, bullshit, secretly embarrassed for him laughing. Aw man, he’s great.