Paris Hilton Wants To Be a Mommy

Whenever she has a chance to look up from between Britney’s thighs, Paris Hilton stops and ponders about what she truly wants out of life. Please God somebody stop her:

It’s been my dream to have four babies by 30,” the 25-year-old heiress announced, reports Life & Style Weekly. And Hilton thinks she’s highly qualified for motherhood, explaining: “I look after animals, so I’d have a lot to give my kids.” In fact, looking after kiddies has become so appealing to Hilton that she recently cut short a night out with Spears, announcing to friends, “We’re going home to the babies. We miss them.”

Man, I don’t condone suicide, but I think it should be covered by your insurance if your mother is Paris Hilton. If her name is on your birth certificate, you have every reason to just go ahead and tap out of life. And with all the penises that have been inside her, there’s no telling what would come out. Paris could have quadruplets right now and one would be an Eskimo, one would be black guy with a basketball, one would be a giraffe and the last one would be a…umm…oh God, what is that?!?

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Thanks, Taylor!