More Teen Choice Awards

I know nothing can compare to the awesomeness of K-Fed dancing by standing in one spot and pretending to play piano, but as hard as it may seem, other superstars showed up last night too. I apologize in advance that none of these pictures are of K-Fed, but it turns out that looking for pictures of K-Fed isn’t really what I’m about. So, I guess I’m not all that sorry after all.

We all agree that Jessica Alba is hot, but why does Wilmer Valderrama still get invited to these things? Nice chest hair and sock in your pants, there amigo. You might as well have gone ahead and brought your purse too, because you couldn’t look any gayer if you had on a leather cop hat.

Even though she’s 42, I’d still go down on Sandra Bullock, but Keanu Reeves looks like he thinks his phone might be tapped. He may also think his bombings are necessary in order to fight against the subjugation caused and facilitated by technological progress.

Okay, I’ll give you the legs. I’ll even give you the tits, but please stop telling me that Jessica Simpson is one of the hottest chicks on the planet. See, because here’s the thing, she’s not. Sorry, fellas. Her face looks like something you’d carve into a pumpkin. And really, if she’s such a sex symbol, why does it take an air matress for her to fill out a pair of daisy dukes?

Rachel Bilson‘s stat line: 5’2″, 34C, and she’ll be 25 in four days. That’s penis Powerball numbers. I swear, if she gets any more more perfect she’ll be able to spin straw into gold.