I’ve always said that if I had to choose between sex with Paris or sex with Nicky, I’d choose Brooke Burke, but I’ve always thought Nicky was the “cute” one. Partly because she’s 200 percent less of a vapid attention whore than Paris is, but mostly because Paris is just fug. However, after looking at these pictures and seeing her with that greasy Elvis impersonanator, Brandon Davis, I realize she really is as fug as her sister. That’s probably only because he’s such a hunk of burnin’ love. It’s hard to be the prettiest one in the room when he’s around.
I’ve always said that if I had to choose between sex with Paris or sex with Nicky, I’d choose Brooke Burke, but I’ve always thought Nicky was the “cute” one….
When Reebok held a press conference to introduce Scarlett Johansson as the new face and body of the new sports line, Scarlett Hearts Reebok, I’m sure they’re weren’t planning to reveal everything that Scarlett did.
Unveiled as the global new face of sportswear firm Reebok, Miss Johansson displayed the dreaded dimpled skin that, it appears, almost no woman is immune from. Dressed in a skimpy outfit which hid nothing, she exposed her less than perfect thighs at the launch, which is ironically supposed to be based on the actress’s “sporty” look.”
All you have to do is look at this post to realize I could care less about some cellulite on Scarlett Johannson’s thigh. It’s cellulite, not leprosy. The last time I checked, every woman has it, or at least that’s what every woman tells me. And since we all know that it’s impossible for women to lie, my plan to pin Scarlett’s knees to her ears has no reason not to go on as scheduled.
Britney Spears’ pool boy, Jon LaLane, says he was fired by her after she accused him of talking too much to her husband, Kevin Federline. He also claims that Britney isn’t a “nice person” and that she can’t keep help because she routinely fires people. He says:
I was hanging out a little bit,” ex-employee Jon LaLane told In Touch Weekly. “She came out screaming at Kevin for lying around, then looked at me like I was to blame.” The next day, LaLane, says he got a call from Spears’ people, telling him not to report for work….[Jon] has a band, and he says he and K-Fed would talk music. But, he claims, Spears would get jealous when her hubby talked to anyone else. “She wants Kevin on a leash…She fires everybody. I figured, ‘Why not me?’ I just didn’t expect her to be so mean.” He adds: “It’s a revolving door there. She’s not the nice person everyone thinks she is.”
Jon LaLane is the grandson of Jack LaLane, the famous fitness and exercise guru, who designed the first leg extension machines, cable pulley machines and weight selectors; equipment which is now standard in the fitness industry. And at the age of 70, he swam 1.5 miles while towing 70 boats with 70 people from the Queen’s Way Bridge in the Long Beach Harbor to the Queen Mary – while he was handcuffed and shackled. So good job, Jon. Way to overachieve. I can almost guarantee that when your grandfather was sitting on the piles of money from his 200 gyms, his vision of your life didn’t involve you getting fired from your job of fishing Slim Jims and marshmallows out of a pool.
Here’s Christina Aguilera leaving the Ivy on July 25th because even Christina’s husband is better looking than Britney Spears right now:
Halle Berry is now rumored to be pregnant after these pictures of her on the phone outside of her Beverly Hills home showed up online. The 39 year old has previously stated that she is desperate for a baby and that she will be pregnant by the time she’s 40 whether she is with someone or not. She’s been dating model Gabriel Aubrey for a while now, so there’s a chance this is true, but to be honest, I’m really not seeing it. She’s wearing a baggy dress. When I wear those, I’m usually just retaining water.
Pamela Anderson attended a news conference in Las Vegas yesterday to promote her new online poker site, PamelaPoker.com. During the conference, she announced she’s going to marry Kid Rock four different times in four different places in one month. They’ll marry in France, California, Michigan and Tennessee. When she was asked how she’s coping with her nerves she said,
I have two words for you: champagne.”
Two words, huh? Okay, well, in Pam’s defense, if you’re drunk enough and slurring slowly enough, one word tends to stretch to two words. Or maybe she just thinks “champagne” is spelled “sham pain” since drinking enough of it causes “head pain” and, at times, “crotch pain.” And I have a feeling Pam’s experienced enough levels of crotch pain to host a two week long symposium on how to alleviate it – with sham pain.
Justin Timberlake, who’s still dating Cameron Diaz, was recently quoted saying he wants to move to London because he loves British girls. He was also spotted hitting on Jesse Metcalfe‘s girlfriend, Nadine Coyle, at a London nightclub. Jesse Metcalfe says,
She was out at some club in London and I guess Justin Timberlake was chatting her up, making some moves and trying to pour her drinks. “She told him she had a boyfriend, of course, but hey, you know, I wasn’t there so I don’t know the real story.”
After looking at and having sex with that joker faced troll for the past few years, Justin needs all the sympathy he can get right now. Guys like Jesse should be compassionate enough to loan their girlfriends to him for a few minutes to help Justin feel human again and remind him what attractive people look like. I wouldn’t be surprised if Justin was also seen tongue kissing one of the urinals in the men’s bathroom that night. I can pretty much guarantee most men with eyes would rather masturbate to a picture of a toilet than any candid photo of Cameron Diaz.
In an exclusive interview with People magazine, ex-‘N Sync member Lance Bass has revealed that he is gay. Due to rampant rumors and questions about his sexuality (he has been spotted several times in gay clubs), the singer claims he wanted to be outed on his terms. He tells People:
I knew that I was in this popular band and I had four other guys’ careers in my hand, and I knew that if I ever acted on it or even said (that I was gay), it would overpower everything…I didn’t know: Could that be the end of ‘N Sync? So I had that weight on me of like, ‘Wow, if I ever let anyone know, it’s bad.’ So I just never did.”
I’m sorry, but this is bullshit. Lance would never do this. Look, I had just gotten out of a pretty bad relationship and I was in a bad place. Lance just said he wanted to go back to his house and talk. I mean, it’s normal for two guys to spoon and watch Monday Night Countdown, right? Oh God….wait, no….oh God!!
Since there are no pictures of Lance around, here are some slightly gay pictures of Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx on MTV’s TRL July 24th:
Update: Here’s Lance pretending to be a straight guy at the Playboy mansion:
Denise Richards pumps it [Hollywood Tuna] Janet Jackson needs more control [Hollywood Rag] Natalie Portman attacks the paparazzi [Egotastic] Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt to be made into wax baby [A Socialite’s…
Since Kate Bosworth has been busy promoting Superman Returns, she and here boyfriend, Orlando Bloom, have been spending a lot of time apart. So, in an effort to help ease Orlando’s pain, Kate has given him a Lois Lane doll. The actor now carries it with him wherever he goes. Kate tells Heat magazine:
It looks nothing like me. But Orlando thinks she looks cute.”
I doubt Orlando was prepared for what Kate Bosworth has turned into, because judging by the size of her head, the only way he can get her to have sex is by putting down a trail of Reese’s Pieces to get her in the bedroom. At this point, the doll probably weighs the same as Kate. If she lost any more weight, you could tie a string to her toe and fly her at the beach.
Bosworth, thong, spine, sideboob and spine at the Superman Returns premiere: