Lindsay Lohan’s “Music” Gets Punished

I assure you it pains me more than it pains you to talk about Lohan again today, but Lindsay Lohan’s record label, Universal Music Group, has been fined $12 million for payola today, so it must be done. Sony was already fined $10 million and Warner Music Group was fined $5 million, but the fine was higher for Universal Music Group since they have done the most damage to our ears. All of the aforementioned companies are responsible for forcing garbage like Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Lopez, Good Charlotte and Lindsay Lohan on radio listeners.

Take Lindsay Lohan. The teen actress was turned into a singer by Tommy Mottola, who made an interesting deal at Universal to start a label just for her. Mottola also managed Lohan, which no one questioned, and he claimed that UMG had put up $50 million to get the ball rolling. But Lohan is no singer, and no one, not even her movie fans, wanted her albums or to hear her on the radio. Nevertheless, the record company persisted. A series of e-mails in June 2005 shows what was happening – a manipulation of MTV’s “Total Request Live” show that airs every afternoon and can seriously affect a new record’s fortunes. UMG, according to Spitzer’s reports, was spending money at radio stations and for “TRL” to “stuff the ballot box” [author’s words] and turn losers into winners. The memo series is all about one subject: “We are hiring a request company starting Monday to jack TRL for Lindsay…Guys this is a no win situation how should I respond…there is no airplay we have been pursuing…”

I don’t know about you, but I love when people give me stuff I don’t ask for, or want. Especially when they’re sneaky about it. Without this we wouldn’t have fun things like whoopie cushions on our chairs or fake piles of poo on our desks. Yes, you read that right. I compared Lindsay Lohan and her music to poop and farts. When you’ve called her a drugged out, anorexic whore a billion times, you really need to find new things to say. Hey, but at least I used “fun” in there somewhere.

Okay, so … hi, I’m Lindsay Lohan’s breast implant scar. Check me out. I’m right here at the Just My Luck premiere afterparty smiling at you from under her left breast.