Paris Hilton is Contagious

Paris Hilton has been slapped with an ‘only in Hollywood’ style restraining order which states she must keep at least a 100 yard distance between herself and club promoter and former friend, Brian Quintana … unless they’re at the same party. This was as a result of Quintana’s allegations that Hilton has threatened his life on several occasions. Quintana’s request for distance from Hilton is understandable given what he shared with the court during his testimony last month.

Quintana testified last month that his relationship with Hilton turned nasty after she overheard him informing her beau, Stavros Niarchos, that she might have a sexually transmitted disease. “I wanted him to be aware of it–that she had herpes. To make sure he didn’t catch anything. He informed me that he was [aware],” Quintana said. He said Hilton interrupted his conversation with Niarchos and became “furious.” “She said, ‘This is between the three of us; if this gets out you’re a f—ing dead man,'” Quintana said. He claimed that after the exchange, he began receiving suspicious phone calls and started to believe his life was in “imminent danger.” Quintana further alleged Hilton “has a drug and alcohol problem, some rather shady associates and is known for erratic behavior.”

If herpes was deadly, then most of the populatation of the United States and half of Greece would have kicked the bucket by now thanks to Paris. Valtrex commercials are on television about 50 times an hour, so Paris must be getting some residuals for helping them boost their production and sales. Hopefully soon all of her, as yet undiagnosed, sexually transmitted diseases will band together and fester into one Super S.T.D. which will eventually turn her into something more disgusting than she is now. Maybe her head will mutate into a huge pair of testicles. Hairy ones. And if they’re “Super” enough, maybe they’ll don a Dior cape.

Here’s Paris on March 8th, and don’t ask who that she-beast is next to her. I have no idea. Maybe it’s just someone Paris totes around so she’ll appear less ugly.