Here are some pictures of Ryan Seacrest and Teri Hatcher making out and walking on a beach five days ago after a lunch date at a nearby Malibu restaurant. I wonder how Ryan’s life partner is going to feel about this. Probably not much, because I’m sure he’s seen sexier kisses at a funeral. He’s probably standing behind the photographer with the hairdresser and make up guy, trying to decide if they should use holy water or a stake if Hatcher makes any sudden movements.
Nicollette Sheridan, the neighborhood slut on Desperate Housewives, is not a wild stallion in the sack according to her ex-fiance, Niklas Soderblom. He states that she uses sex to get men to propose marriage and he warns Sheridan’s current fiance, Michael Bolton, about his future with the actress.
I guess she’s sexy on screen, but definitely not in a real-life relationship. She uses her sexuality to get what she wants and as soon as the ring is on her finger, she stops wanting to have sex. She’s afraid of commitment. I feel sorry for Michael because I think he really loves her. But I know there’s no way in hell a relationship is going to work with Nicollette Sheridan.”
I find this only slightly hard to believe because on a bad day, Nicollette Sheridan looks like a man. On a good day, she could pass for a transvestite. Based strictly on the visual evidence, I get the feeling that Michael Bolton wakes up every morning to a fresh pot of coffee and her head bobbing in his lap. I don’t know what collagen feels like, but it has to be a lot tighter than anything else she’s working with.
Bobby Brown’s sister, Tina, told the National Enquirer that the family fears for Whitney Houston’s life because she is living in squalor and holes up in crack dens for weeks at a time. She also claims that Houston, mother of a 13 year old daughter, spends days locked in her bedroom smoking crack and playing with sex toys amid piles of garbage, all the while becoming increasingly paranoid of “evil apparitions” and “demons.”
She’ll point to the floor and say, ‘See that demon. I’m telling you somebody’s messing with Bobby’. She always thinks it’s something to do with Bobby. She breaks everything – mirrors, phones, cabinets, appliances.”
If you ever need a reason not to smoke crack or marry Bobby Brown, Whitney Houston may be just the thing the you’re looking for. It must take a special kind of asshole to turn one of the greatest singers of our generation into a cracked out chicken head, but it will soon be over, Whitney. Demons only kill people if they don’t enough wear lotion and chapstick, and Bobby could write “I’m a douche” 500 times on a chalkboard with his elbow.
Update: Check out Whitney’s “drug den.”
Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction premiered last night, and if the howling laughter was any indication, Sharon Stone will go back under her rock soon. According to Page Six spies, the premiere wasn’t the smashing success that Stone had in mind.
At the premiere Monday night, audience members kept cracking up at inappropriate times, like when Stone intones, “Not even Oedipus saw his mother coming!” “The only thing worse than the dialogue were Sharon’s implants,” shrieked one wag. During the full-frontal nude scene, Stone’s bosom seemed lopsided.
It’s no secret that the release of this film was delayed due to litigation because Sharon Stone basically wanted to make this movie a porn. While the filmmakers were cutting out reels of nudity and an orgy scene just to get an R rating, Stone was busy complaining she was performing her “duties” as an artist. I’d feel bad making fun of her if she was just an idiot, but she constantly rambles on about subjects in which she is sadly misinformed, and she truly believes she is blazing a trail for women’s rights every time she flashes her tits for the camera. Her entire career has been her standing on a soapbox with her legs spread while some guy points a flashlight at her vagina.
I realize you’re all on the edge of your seats waiting for K-Fed’s album release in August, so any news about it is welcome. Whoever had enough of a sense of humor to take the job as K-Fed’s publicist released a statement letting us know the album will be called Playing With Fire.
The inspiration and meaning behind the title … is self explanatory, (because) my album is sure to set the dance floors across the world on fire!”
If by that he means the people on the dance floor are going to storm the DJ booth and set fire to the DJ, then he’s probably right. Still, I think K-Fed could have done better. I think any of these album titles would have been more appropriate:
- “Wigga’ With Attiturd”
- “Lice Lice Baby”
- “It’s Not the Size of the Tool, It’s the Whiteness of the Beater”
The handsome couple on March 23rd in Las Vegas:
Thanks to John for the tip!
As a sure sign that Damien’s arrival is imminent, Scientologists were spotted carrying huge posters into Tom Cruise’s Beverly Hills mansion on Monday that read, “Be silent and make all physical movements slow and understandable,” to remind Holmes to be quiet during child birth. Scientology founder and science fiction writer, L. Ron Hubbard, decreed that all mothers must remain as quiet as possible so the child will not be traumatized during labor. Tom tried to defend the Scientology ritual by saying,
There have been misinterpretations that the woman can’t make any noise, and that’s just not true. It’s nutty. No, but just calm and quiet. I want Katie to be as comfortable as possible.”
Except for the scare that David Beckham and I had that one time, I have never been pregnant. So I really have no idea nor do I have any frame of reference of what it’s like to have a human in my body for nine months, knowing that it will eventually have to come out painfully. Just like L. Ron Hubbard and Tom Cruise don’t. So Tom, the next time I drop an anvil on your balls, I’ll do my best to make sure you are as comfortable as possible.
Tom and Katie March 22nd at Connor’s Little League game:
In the upcoming April 4th issue of FHM, Scarlett Johansson tops the list of the “100 Sexiest Women in the World”, beating out last year’s #1 Angelina Jolie. Jolie is #2 this year, followed by Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Keira Knightley, Halle Berry, Jenny McCarthy, Maria Sharapova, Carmen Electra and Teri Hatcher.
One of the best things for a woman to hear is that she is sexy,” the 21-year-old actress, star of “Match Point” and “Lost in Translation,” said in a statement. “I’d like to thank FHM’s readers for the huge compliment.”
Scarlett Johansson has huge tits, and looks amazing naked. She’s all natural, she doesn’t seem to mind when you molest her in public and as it turns out, I have a huge compliment for her, too. However, I’m more concerned about how in the hell Teri Hatcher’s name got mentioned. Don’t get me wrong, I would bet the house on her for “Best In Show,” but I get the feeeling FHM was just trying to be nice.
Promo pictures for The Black Dahlia:
Sharon Stone is taking every opportunity to promote her upcoming film, Basic Instinct 2, by encouraging teenagers to engage in oral sex. If it saves them from the potential danger of an aggressive person that is pressuring them to have sex, Stone believes that young girls should be prepared to give head.
Young people talk to me about what to do if they’re being pressed for sex? I tell them (what I believe): oral sex is a hundred times safer than vaginal or anal sex. If you’re in a situation where you cannot get out of sex, offer a blow job. I’m not embarrassed to tell them.”
Holy crap! Did Sharon Stone just say that teenage girls need to give out blowjobs instead of getting date raped? Really, that’s all I have to do? Screw this, I’m getting a job as a school bus driver, because all these Zima’s and Aaron Carter posters are getting expensive.
Sharon Stone at The Late Show With David Letterman March 27th:
Terminator 3 star and Elite model, Kristanna Loken, admits that she is bisexual and states that relationships with women tend to be more sexually and emotionally fulfilling than those she’s had with certain men. She tells Curve magazine:
I connect with an aura, with energy. And if the person with whom I connect happens to be a female, that’s just the way it is. That’s what makes my wheels turn.”
My aura has never connected with a bisexual woman as hot as this, so it makes me wonder why normal chicks can’t ease up and get with the program. It may be because they usually don’t look like this. I mean, it’s cool that your friend is so into Wicca and recycling and everything, but I don’t think that pink thong will bring out the green in her hair as much as she thinks.