Jennifer Aniston is a Really Good Friend

The Daily Dish is reporting that Nancy Balbirer, a former roommate of Jennifer Aniston’s during the 80s stole the show during readings to promote the paperback release of The Underminer: Or, the Best Friend Who Casually Destroys Your Life. Balbirer’s “underminer” was a “famous sitcom actress called ‘Jane’ who she met while both were auditioning as extras for SNL.” Highlights include the following:

Jane, who had recently graduated from the High School of Performing Arts, was a few years younger than Nancy and was the daughter of a soap actor and a plastic surgery victim who had divorced. Nancy let Jane live rent-free in her Village apartment for a few months. Nancy said Jane, who was then working at a burger joint, was obsessed with her looks, and would give herself bikini waxes while lying upside-down on the couch. The pair went on auditions, on diets, and to aerobics classes together. Jane advised Nancy to try and be ‘more f—able’ on auditions, and to buy chicken cutlets at the Food Emporium to stuff her bra. Jane iced her nipples before auditions, and lamented her big butt and her nose, which she said ‘came from her Greek half.’ Jane moved to Los Angeles, got liposuction, a nose job and a hairline adjustment, and lost a lot of weight after going on Nutri­Slim. Nancy recounted a trip to L.A. where she asked to stay with her old friend, but instead Jane named some hotels, telling Nancy not to be so desperate, because it’s unattractive, especially in a town like L.A. After Jane landed a sitcom about friends who live together in the Village, Nancy independently met with the show’s producers for a recurring role, which she landed on the spot. A few hours later, she was inexplicably fired, yet paid in full, plus an extra week’s pay, despite never filming a scene. Later a producer friend told Nancy that Jane had her fired and the two old friends never spoke again.”

When Vince Vaughn finally dumps her, Jennifer Aniston will spend her remaining days cruising Hollywood looking for street kids who look like Brad Pitt so she can pay them to stroke her hair while she pushes her baby doll around in a stroller. Then she will die alone, penniless and insane. And the gypsy will have been right again.