James Bond is a Girl

Reports from the much labored production of the new James Bond flick, Casino Royale, claim that star Daniel Craig has a horrible case of prickly heat he caught while getting a sunburn when he was trying to tan. This comes on the heels of Craig losing his two front teeth during a fight scene and his confession to producers that he is unable to drive a stick shift, a problem since the classic Aston Martin DB5 is Bond’s car of choice. Other sources are claiming that Craig asked the film’s producers to supply him with numerous beauty and pampering products such as baby lotion, nail files and wet wipes. All of these incidents have a large number of fans and industry insiders worried about the film’s success.

A James Bond movie is about as formulaic as you can get: cool one-liners, liquor, Bond girls with huge tits, explosions and evil villains. A home video has more plot points than your average Bond film, yet there have been 20 of them. So at this point, a homeless man could direct a James Bond movie, as long as he stuck to this formula, and it would make millions. So my question is, how in the hell do you screw that up? Oh I know, make sure your Bond is a prancing sissy and more concerned with his french manicure and getting his eyeliner just right to ever bother learning to drive a car. If I was the villain, I wouldn’t know whether to dangle him over a pit of sharks or (when he asks) just tell him, “Yes, those pants make you look fat and you have lipstick on your teeth.”

The new Bond Girl, Eva Green: