It’s time once again to play “Catching Up With Tom Cruise”. It’s always a steaming pile of insanity best served on one dish, so as to appreciate the full flavor.
First up: Nanny to the stars, Suzanne Hansen, wrote a tell-all book called You’ll Never Nanny in This Town Again. In it, she describes Nicole Kidman as an absentee parent to her children and only hints to Tom Cruise’s absenteeism, but Suzanne did say, “Tom would make his nannies sign confidentiality agreements that were so strict, they couldn’t even say for whom they were working. So basically, if (Cruise) went on camera and said how he didn’t have any help raising his children, they couldn’t say anything.”
I’m not the lawsuit happy and paranoid person Tom is, so I just pay Mike Tyson to knock out anyone who talks about me. Then I pierce my nose with a bone and chant voodoo stuff while I use sheep’s blood to draw a pentagram around them as they lay unconscious. And even then, I still come out looking more sane and rational than Tom Cruise.
In other news: Even though he will most likely win a well deserved award as “Worst Actor” at this year’s Razzies, Paramount bought the rights to a love story written by Marc Klein who wrote it with Tom Cruise in mind as the lead character.
I hope by “love story” they mean they’re casting Sylvester Stallone as Tom Cruise’s love interest and in the first five minutes of the movie Stallone drops Cruise from a two thousand foot high zip line. But this time I want to see the Wile E. Coyote poof of dust at the bottom of the canyon. And maybe a loud THUD.
Lastly: Rumors have been swirling that Tom and Katie have chucked their wedding plans, but the reports are today that the wedding is still on and will take place after that baby is born. However, Tom has put a halt to any sex with Katie since L. Ron Hubbard made a rule that his culties should not have sex during pregnancy, for he claims it will mentally screw up the kid.
Nothing like a mental case giving you advice on how not to be mental. It’s almost as amusing as telling someone who doesn’t have sex with a woman to stop having sex with a woman.