Why a grown woman would want to wear something this ridiculous and draw even more attention to … ahem … “problem areas” is beyond me. I hope she lost a bet with that boyfriend of hers. I’m pretty sure he’s laughing at her in that third picture. This thing looks like a cheerleader costume from 70′s porn. They’d be better off going home and acting out a scene in which Dominic, wearing an afro wig, bell bottoms and a handlebar moustache takes advantage of the horny college girl as she comes home from cheerleading practice. Even then, it would still be hard to believe she was anywhere near the age of consent in this getup. She looks more like she needs a diaper change and nap than some groovy sexual healing from Dr. Dominic Loverocket and his lava lamp of lust. *bow chicka wow wow*
Paris Hilton is claiming that she will soon be competing for the same roles as Charlize Theron because they have similar styles of acting. The socialite, star of such classics as House of Wax and 1 Night In Paris, doesn’t have any problems comparing herself to an Oscar winning actress.
My acting coach told me I have a similar style of acting to her so we may end up vying for the same parts.”
If by some chance Charlize Theron was involved in a gamma ray accident that left her horribly disfigured and without the ability to talk in complete sentences, only then would these two names ever be in the running for the same part. Charlize could play Paris Hilton and pull it off better than Paris, and when it came time for her to get on her knees in that circle of Greek billionaires for the “money shot”, we would be moved to tears at the triumph of the indomitable human spirit. Paris Hilton, on the other hand, couldn’t act in a snuff film. She is completely useless in every way. In the real world, she would be taking notes at a high school play and blowing the drama teacher in the bathroom for a chance to hold the cue cards.
Hilton on Febrary 21st:
Theron at the BAFTAs:
Page Six reports Lindsay Lohan and her ex-boyfriend Wilmer Valderrama were caught partying together at the club Lotus yesterday, and were spotted at 5:30am entering Valderrama’s SoHo Grand hotel room. Lohan has been linked to several men in recent months and looks to be continuing her trend of whoring.
For her vagina’s sake, I hope Lindsay gets help for her abandonment and daddy issues soon. Normally, hot chicks with the self esteem of a burn victim with braces is a damn near perfect combination, but by now Lindsay’s body is 60 percent semen. How this girl is able to walk is a mystery. I’m pretty sure you’d have an easier time convincing Lindsay Lohan to have sex than you’d have making a sandwich or going to sleep.
Lindsay a few weeks ago at the Marc Jacobs Fall 2006 afterparty:
Lindsay Lohan is Easy
Reports from the much labored production of the new James Bond flick, Casino Royale, claim that star Daniel Craig has a horrible case of prickly heat he caught while getting a sunburn when he was trying to tan. This comes on the heels of Craig losing his two front teeth during a fight scene and his confession to producers that he is unable to drive a stick shift, a problem since the classic Aston Martin DB5 is Bond’s car of choice. Other sources are claiming that Craig asked the film’s producers to supply him with numerous beauty and pampering products such as baby lotion, nail files and wet wipes. All of these incidents have a large number of fans and industry insiders worried about the film’s success.
A James Bond movie is about as formulaic as you can get: cool one-liners, liquor, Bond girls with huge tits, explosions and evil villains. A home video has more plot points than your average Bond film, yet there have been 20 of them. So at this point, a homeless man could direct a James Bond movie, as long as he stuck to this formula, and it would make millions. So my question is, how in the hell do you screw that up? Oh I know, make sure your Bond is a prancing sissy and more concerned with his french manicure and getting his eyeliner just right to ever bother learning to drive a car. If I was the villain, I wouldn’t know whether to dangle him over a pit of sharks or (when he asks) just tell him, “Yes, those pants make you look fat and you have lipstick on your teeth.”
The new Bond Girl, Eva Green:
Mischa Barton, the O.C. star currently rumored to be dating Jake Gylenhaal, claims that she is not a sex symbol and can’t understand why men find her attractive because of her lack of curves. She contends that co-star Rachel Bilson is more desirable than her because of her voluptuous body.
Rachel is way more overtly sexual than I am. I’m so tall and lanky. I think I’d be scared of having her voluptuousness. I like being understatedly sexual.”
I don’t know what “understately sexual” means, but considering this girl willingly allows a troll like Cisco Adler to lay on top of her, she either has way too much self-esteem or cut marks on her wrist. This is the only way to explain these comments. Every time I see a picture of her, it always seems that they put a cover girl’s head on the body of a P.O.W. However, the recent pictures of her in that see through dress have piqued my interest. So much so that I would do her in front of my mother.
Mischa at BAFTA:
Rachel Bilson behind the scenes at a Bongo photoshoot:
There was a time when I couldn’t make it through a full episode of Lizzie McGuire because I felt guilty about what was going on inside my heart and my pants. Now, my can’t miss prospect looks like she surived a nuclear spill and could bite through lead. Sorry Hilary, but a gigantic veneers and the crash diet which stole your breasts will never win you any beauty contests, and more to the point, erections. On the other hand, Haylie Duff has always been the ugly one and she sorta reminds me of Janice on Friends. Her layout in Maxim didn’t trick my penis, but at least she has a decent sized rack. That’s always a plus and it makes a good counterpoint to her profile headshots. If I asked her for directions, I would fully expect her to say, “Follow me nose, it always knows!”
The Daily Dish is reporting that Nancy Balbirer, a former roommate of Jennifer Aniston’s during the 80s stole the show during readings to promote the paperback release of The Underminer: Or, the Best Friend Who Casually Destroys Your Life. Balbirer’s “underminer” was a “famous sitcom actress called ‘Jane’ who she met while both were auditioning as extras for SNL.” Highlights include the following:
Jane, who had recently graduated from the High School of Performing Arts, was a few years younger than Nancy and was the daughter of a soap actor and a plastic surgery victim who had divorced. Nancy let Jane live rent-free in her Village apartment for a few months. Nancy said Jane, who was then working at a burger joint, was obsessed with her looks, and would give herself bikini waxes while lying upside-down on the couch. The pair went on auditions, on diets, and to aerobics classes together. Jane advised Nancy to try and be ‘more f—able’ on auditions, and to buy chicken cutlets at the Food Emporium to stuff her bra. Jane iced her nipples before auditions, and lamented her big butt and her nose, which she said ‘came from her Greek half.’ Jane moved to Los Angeles, got liposuction, a nose job and a hairline adjustment, and lost a lot of weight after going on NutriSlim. Nancy recounted a trip to L.A. where she asked to stay with her old friend, but instead Jane named some hotels, telling Nancy not to be so desperate, because it’s unattractive, especially in a town like L.A. After Jane landed a sitcom about friends who live together in the Village, Nancy independently met with the show’s producers for a recurring role, which she landed on the spot. A few hours later, she was inexplicably fired, yet paid in full, plus an extra week’s pay, despite never filming a scene. Later a producer friend told Nancy that Jane had her fired and the two old friends never spoke again.”
When Vince Vaughn finally dumps her, Jennifer Aniston will spend her remaining days cruising Hollywood looking for street kids who look like Brad Pitt so she can pay them to stroke her hair while she pushes her baby doll around in a stroller. Then she will die alone, penniless and insane. And the gypsy will have been right again.
Submissions like this are fun:
My girlfriend works for Tiffany & Co. and is sort of a fantical Angelina Jolie fan. She showed me this registry on Tiffany’s website today which looks like it’s for Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s wedding. She said she doesn’t know for sure if it’s authentic, but it might be…”
He requested I not use his name for fear his girlfriend would lose her job because of him and thus withhold sex from him, so I’m understandably leaving Crotch’s name out of this. Oops. Okay, no, his name isn’t really “Crotch”. Even if it was, nobody, not even his girlfriend, would believe somebody was really named “Crotch” unless their mother’s name was Gwyneth or Demi. And even then, it still wouldn’t be a name ridiculous enough for those broads to give their offspring.
It appears to be a June wedding, by the way. And they want 30 vegetable spoons at $270 a piece. I’ll get right on that.
Angie, Brad, kids and fetus during one of the stops on their current world tour:
I figured the Tiffany & Co. site would crash, so here’s my screencap: