Tom Cruise Needs Some New Material

In pathetic news, People reports that Tom Cruise and his “amazing” fiance got onstage at a charity dinner at Scientology’s English headquarters, and sang a song that Tom pretended to sing in his tighty whiteys in that movie with the hookers and the Porsche from 22 years ago. The article explains:

At one point during the $350-a-plate dinner, singer Isaac Hayes, a fellow Scientologist, called Cruise, 43, and Holmes, 26, to the stage, where they belted out rock standards with the band. On their song list? “Mustang Sally” and “Old Time Rock and Roll,” which Cruise famously sang in his underwear in 1983’s Risky Business.”

Many things from this article disturb me, but the main three are: (1) Chef is a Scientologist, (2) Tom is reliving his glory days from when his soon-to-be-wife was four years old and (3) Tom received “an award for service to Scientology to thunderous applause” for witch doctoring, brainwashing and couch jumping. If someone would go ahead and bitch slap Tom Cruise, I’ll give them an award for that. Sure it’s a chocolate bunny wrapped in gold foil from last Easter, but it’s just as valuable as that Scientology award and has a whole lot more personality.