Tom Cruise Has a New Muzzle

After spending over a year proving how certifiably insane he is, Tom Cruise has hired a new set of handlers to replace his sister who will now be handling his charitable work full time. Keep in mind “charitable work” is actually code for Scientology recruitment hubs disguised at things like “literacy centers” which suck out your brain and replace it with something even more malleable.

Cruise’s new reps also manage fellow Scientologists, John Travolta and Lisa Marie and Priscilla Presley, so they seem qualified enough to know when something extra crazy is about to come out of his mouth and just when to shut him up before the air gets too thick. I imagine it takes more than a nudge or wink to let Tom know it’s time to zip it. At this point he’s more like “Goat Boy” from Saturday Night Live and it takes a cattle prod to get him under control.

Here’s Tom and his Kate-bot on Sunday at a soccer game. Also present are the chills that go up my spine every time he grabs her in that extra creepy way. It’s almost like he’s refueling her with any brainwashing juice that may have been lost in the four seconds since he last had his hand on her.

Thanks to the great and powerful Sonny for the heads up.

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