Vegas nurses are hot By jenny October 31, 2005

Here’s Christina Aguilera with her fiancee, Jordan Bratman, at Body English in Las Vegas on Saturday night. Since I live in Vegas, this is nothing new to me because this is what the ER nurses really wear in our hospitals and they’re all hotties with giant breast implants. So do yourself a favor and get hit by a car next time you come to Vegas, and you can see it for yourself. The doctors, on the other hand, aren’t half as sexy as Jordan Bratman here. They actually look more like George Clooney, so sorry to disappoint you.

Images removed per request.

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Here’s Christina Aguilera with her fiancee, Jordan Bratman, at Body English in Las Vegas on Saturday night. Since I live in Vegas, this is nothing new to me because this…
I don’t like links in that way By jenny October 31, 2005

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Dita Von Teese is festive By jenny October 31, 2005

If any of you ladies are still trying to figure out what to wear while you’re out trick or treating, may I suggest what Dita Von Teese wore during a performance a few nights ago? You won’t be considered a slut because burlesque is just a bunch of teasing, so we know you’re not going to give it up. Your only concern should be attracting the wrong kind of attention. And I don’t mean attention coming from attractive people. I mean, you might end up with a milky white, undead, angry vampire like Dita did when Marilyn Manson sank his teeth into her. And your risk is especially high on Halloween.

These pictures are obviously NSFW, but hopefully by now your boss is too drunk from drinking the office Halloween party punch you spiked with Everclear and Xanax to know the difference.

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I don’t like links in that way By jenny October 28, 2005

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Kevin Federline still sucks By jenny October 28, 2005

In Touch Weekly says Britney Spears doesn’t like her husband’s music. Racking up the numbers on the odometer of his wife’s Ferrari can be time consuming, but there have been a few times when he’s allowed the engine to cool long enough to hang out in a studio and record garbage even his wife hates.

His efforts were greeted with hurtful laughter from his superstar wife, who was unimpressed. She said his debut CD might sell a hundred, maybe a thousand copies if he was lucky. Kevin looked really hurt.”

If Kevin wants to stretch out that last 10 seconds of his 15 minutes, he may want to tone down the partying and help out with his retirement plan son a little more. The article further reports:

Her tolerance for his behavior is waning quickly. For example, while Spears was busy changing their infant son’s diapers, Federline reportedly spent two hours getting his hair braided. And after a blow-up on Oct. 19, Federline went to a nightclub called Mood, where he partied until well after midnight.

Here are a few pictures of Kevin from a couple nights ago taken during yet another night of not taking care of his kid(S). Check out the third picture. Before that one was taken, the doorman stuck his hand in Kev’s face and said, “Yeah, sorry, we have a 2,000 douchebag limit and you’re 2,001. Tough break, pal.” Then Slick Federline slipped him a roll of Britney’s money and he was home free.

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Johnny Depp is thoughtful By jenny October 28, 2005

Johnny Depp is dripping with irony after he presented his ex, Kate Moss, with a mirror while she was still in rehab for cocaine abuse. Johnny gave her the mirror so she could “face herself without fear,” but the only fear she has is not finding a credit card and rolled up C-note to accesorize the mirror. It seems that the mirror therapy is a Native American idea, and Depp is proudly 1/1,000th Cherokee. I had no idea that Cherokees were into coke.

I remember when my uncle Jimmy got sent to an asylum because he tried to kill himself. When he got out, I figured he would appreciate a nice close shave, so I gave him a straight razor and some Barbasol. He never even thanked me for that. I wonder what ever happened to him…

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Jessica Simpson: ‘Best Cleavage in Hollywood’ By jenny October 28, 2005

On the list of In Touch Weekly‘s “Best Cleavage in Hollywood” Jessica Simpson’s rack landed in the number one spot. The list is as follows:

1. Jessica Simpson
2. Salma Hayek
3. Carmen Electra
4. Angelina Jolie
5. Halle Berry
6. Jennifer Love Hewitt
7. Scarlett Johansson
8. Mariah Carey
9. Susan Sarandon
10. Nicollette Sheridan

I know I’m a female, but I love boobies and spend quite a bit of time staring at them. I even have a certificate on my wall saying I’m a boobie expert. Sure it’s a post-it note I drew boobies on, but I’m still certified. So I do need to argue with this list. First, Mariah and Carmen shouldn’t even be considered here because theirs are implants. They’re nice implants, but they’re implants nonetheless. Next, there is no way that Jessica Simpson has a nicer set than Salma Hayek, Scarlett Johansson and Jennifer Love Hewitt. All of those women have been seen without a bra to support those things and theirs are some of the best shaped natural breasts in Hollywood. And theirs did not get that way with a breast lift the way Jessica Simpson’s did. We all know Papa Joe Simpson has a habit of forcing magazines to say what he wants them to say about his daughter, so I’m thinking he played a part in this one which is pretty gross and creepy considering the nature of the list, but that’s Papa Joe for you.

I know Jessica Simpson is from Dallas, but I think even Texans would be embarrassed by this bad impression of a cowgirl outfit she has on here in these pictures from a few days ago and they might be a little offended.

Update: Observant reader, Stephanie, pointed out what looks very much like a hickey on Jessica’s neck in the fourth picture.

And several readers from Texas have sent us emails confirming they are, in fact, offended by Jessica’s cowgirl costume.

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Leelee Sobieski is an early settler By jenny October 27, 2005

Yes, it’s still 2005 and these pictures of Leelee Sobieski are really from two nights ago at the Walk The Line premiere. I’m sure some of you out there want me to give her credit for wearing a frock which looks like it was picked out of a Butterick catalog and sewn by hand as she rocked in a chair on her porch, chewing on a piece of hay and humming Christian hymns. But I won’t be handing out credit here because the thing probably cost a grand and was given to her free of charge by some stuck up designer who wears an acid wash jean jacket with the word “Genius” lit up in neon on the back. If only she’d topped it off with a bonnet, then it would have been complete. Some people just don’t know how to accessorize.

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Nicole Kidman is upset By jenny October 27, 2005

Britain’s Grazia Magazine is reporting that Nicole Kidman is “devastated that ex-husband Tom Cruise is expecting a baby with new fiancee Katie Holmes.” Now, if by “devastated” they meant “incredulous” or “relieved”, I can completely understand that. Nicole seems like a pretty intelligent person (or maybe it’s just that sexy accent), so it is hard for me to believe that she can’t see through this Cruise/Holmes sham. Why can’t I stop thinking about that hot Australian accent of hers? I love a good accent. It doesn’t even have to be as thick as Madonna’s fake English accent, and it still gets me all hot and bothered. Anyway, the article I was originally talking about states that

“According to pals, the Oscar-winning actress is also worried about how the new arrival will impact on the couple’s children, Connor and Isabella.”

If I were Nicole, I think I’d be a little less worried about a fetus and more worried about the fact that her children’s father is insane and be thankful that none of those kids have his rabid cult fanatic DNA. Chances are pretty good Katie Holmes will give birth to a straight jacket.

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Britain’s Grazia Magazine is reporting that Nicole Kidman is “devastated that ex-husband Tom Cruise is expecting a baby with new fiancee Katie Holmes.” Now, if by “devastated” they meant “incredulous”…
Lenny Kravtiz needs a plumber By jenny October 27, 2005

Lenny Kravitz is one of the sexiest musicians alive. However, he is not scoring any points on my sexy-meter with yet another story about how he craps so enormously that he can plug the toilet at will and then just lets the poo-water flow like Niagra Falls. I have lived below my share (and probably your share too) of inconsiderate jackasses, but even they would turn off the water and throw down a few bath towels before the liquid stink worked its way through the floor and into my unit. The current lawsuit, as reported by the always juicy Smoking Gun was brought by the tenant two floors below. Hard to imagine, but Lenny’s superhuman crap can apparently translocate past the unit below him and appear wherever Lenny’s wicked mind desires.

Metrosexuals don’t usually do it for me, but there’s just something undeniably hot about Lenny. If I lived with him I might even be able to overlook what may turn out to be some sort of fetish. But I do draw the line at a “glass bottom boat”, Lenny. Even I have limits.

Lenny Kravitz is one of the sexiest musicians alive. However, he is not scoring any points on my sexy-meter with yet another story about how he craps so enormously that…