Bruce Willis is in charge By brendon September 27, 2005

MSNBC is reporting this morning that Bruce Willis has made it clear to ex-wife Demi Moore that he wants their children to be kept away from Kabbalah, her trendy Hollywood religion which is an offshoot of Judaism, but is often labeled as a cult by critics. The report says that Willis “strictly forbids” his children with Moore from being exposed to the controversial church. Says a source:

Bruce’s feelings are that Demi and Ashton can do whatever they want with their personal and religious lives, but he puts down his foot when it comes to his daughters and does not want them visiting the Kabbalah Centre.”

The reason so many people might think that Kaballah is a shadowy cult that demands secrecy and only cares about money is because they’re a shadowy cult that demands secrecy and only cares about money. Which totally reminds me that I need to finish my paperwork and start my shadowy religious Hollywood cult. I’ve narrowed our new God down to either a golden tiger or Cobra, the bad guy from G.I. Joe. I may have to kick some money back to Hasbro for the licensing rights, but that first night Kirsten Dunst gets attacked by rattlesnakes will make it worth every penny.

MSNBC is reporting this morning that Bruce Willis has made it clear to ex-wife Demi Moore that he wants their children to be kept away from Kabbalah, her trendy Hollywood…
Kirsten Dunst is unbelievably stupid By brendon September 27, 2005

One of the most closely guarded secrets in Hollywood has been reveled, because the combined forces of Sony and Marvel Studios are no match for the idiocy of Kirsten Dunst. In an interview with Zap2it Dunst was asked about Spiderman 3, and with no specific follow-up, she gleefully gave away the names and details the two studios have worked tirelessly for months to keep quiet. Said Dunst:

We have really great people though as the villains in this film, Thomas Haden Church and Topher Grace — Venom and Sandman. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to say that.”

The article goes on to say that Dunst quickly checked with her rep after the slip and was assured that the information has already been released. But here’s the thing – No, it really really hasn’t been released. Rumors have spread for months now about the villians in the film, which is exactly what the people at Marvel and Sony wanted and what they have worked to fuel so that the Spiderman sequel stays in the publics consciousness. Now the only real question is what does more damage when thrown at Kirsten Dunst: rocks or bottles? Experts would say it’s rocks. At least I hope they would, cause that’s what I’m using.

One of the most closely guarded secrets in Hollywood has been reveled, because the combined forces of Sony and Marvel Studios are no match for the idiocy of Kirsten Dunst….
Kanye West is outside By brendon September 26, 2005

Kanye West was refused entry into a London nightclub over the weekend when a doorman didn’t recognize him. West was in the UK to promote his new album and had just finished a show at Abbey Road studios when he and his entourage rolled up to the club Chinawhite on the West End. Says a source:

Kanye rocked up at China white at around 2:30am with his entourage. They parked their two silver Mercedes people carriers outside the club and all of them headed to the door. The people on the door said it was members’ only and they didn’t seem to recognize him at all.” The report adds that “Kanye was gracious but he was fuming. His big night had been ruined.”

A spokesmen for Chinawhite refused comment for this story, so the part that says “they didn’t seem to recognize Kanye” is pretty much just a guess. Also likely is that Chinawhite has a dress code, and sweater vests from Lands End aren’t part of that code. If some rapper is going to be a pain in the ass at your club, he should at least have the decency to not dress like Payne Stewart.

Kanye West was refused entry into a London nightclub over the weekend when a doorman didn’t recognize him. West was in the UK to promote his new album and had…
“Dunst” means “horrible stench” in Danish By brendon September 26, 2005

Sultry eye-candy reader Dan wrote in to remind me that God does sometimes smile on the righteous and punish the wicked. In this case, me and Kirsten Dunst, respectively. Dan is probably somewhere in the middle. But he says:

I don’t seek Kirsten Dunst news; it finds me. Somebody mentioned seeing her at a bar (poor bastard) and a friend of a friend, who is from Denmark, said that “dunst” is a Danish word meaning “horrible stench.” He didn’t elaborate, but he stressed that the implications are so severe that the word is used sparingly.”

I speak Danish fluently of course, but I’d forgotten this because my time in Denmark is part of my mysterious past that I’m running from, while trying to start a new life here in the OC, but this really is true. “Dunst” really does mean “stench”. The only thing not clear is if its always meant that or if this is the kind of thing where the formal name becomes slang for a general term. Like when people say “FedEx” when they just mean to priority mail something, or like how in the south we refer to every kind of soft drink as “Coke”. Did Dunst always mean to smell like dead fish, or did she spend some time there in a loose fitting skirt and the Danish just know something we don’t.

Sultry eye-candy reader Dan wrote in to remind me that God does sometimes smile on the righteous and punish the wicked. In this case, me and Kirsten Dunst, respectively. Dan…
Kevin Federline gets a raise in his allowance By jenny September 26, 2005

It looks like the winning bidder for the pictures of Britney Spears’s first born is OK magazine.

The pop babe is rumoured to have been paid around $1.5-million for the interview and photos. Earlier this week, it was claimed that Britney earned around $6-million for having a baby.

The sexy singer and her husband Kevin Federline will receive the huge sum after agreeing to a number of TV, photo and endorsement deals showing off the new arrival to the world.

The couple have allegedly accepted over $3-million to show home-video footage of the birth on their popular reality TV show Britney and Kevin: Chaotic.

They are also rumoured to have agreed a deal worth over $1.5-million to video the first few weeks of Sean Preston’s life for TV.”

I think all of these magazines and television networks should band together and collectively choose not to pay them for these exclusive rights. It would be an amusing experiment in order to see how low they are willing to go to sell the pictures and video before the paparazzi snaps photos of them having their first public family dinner in a Kentucky Fried Chicken parking lot. OK magazine should at least have some say in how the Spears-Federlines spend the money in order to prevent them from running out and blowing it all on Swarovski Crystal pacifiers, Louis Vuitton diapers, FUBU crib sheets and infant sized do rags.

These pictures which look like they were taken from a satellite near Saturn will do for now. The dark haired woman with same hairstyle as Britney and a hair color which more closely resembles Britney’s natural shade of brown is her mom, Lynn Spears. Lynn’s the one holding the little commodity. Britney’s the one blowing a snot rocket onto the pool deck in the last picture.

It looks like the winning bidder for the pictures of Britney Spears’s first born is OK magazine. The pop babe is rumoured to have been paid around $1.5-million for the…
Demi and Ashton got married By brendon September 25, 2005

Star Magazine is one of many sources now reporting that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher were married in a secret ceremony Saturday night (9.25.05) at their home in Beverly Hills. This is Demi’s third marriage, Ashton’s first. Says Star:

Preparations were kept strictly secret, with guests being whisked in incognito, while security guards told onlookers the couple were merely hosting a formal dinner for a visiting diplomat. While the couple are both loyal devotees of the Jewish practice of Kabballah, sources said the short ceremony was traditional.”

I’m positive these two are delightful and will live in bliss forever, but it’s undeniably creepy that Moore is 42 and Ashton is 27. And since Ashton is none too bright, this feels more like some sort of sexual assault followed by the Stockholm Syndrome than two soul mates finding one another. And I’m sorry, but I just think that’s wrong, since I believe that sexual assault is only justified in cases of self defense.

Star Magazine is one of many sources now reporting that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher were married in a secret ceremony Saturday night (9.25.05) at their home in Beverly Hills….
Latsis is free and Stewart is funny By jenny September 23, 2005

Paris Latsis’s father, in what is obviously an attempt to avoid sullying his family’s good name any further, told Star magazine Paris and Paris aren’t getting along and Latsis agrees with his parents’ concerns that he’s too young to do the married with children thing. The real story here is that Paris Hilton has been whoring around with someone who looks more like an insect than she does, and any entomologist will tell you Hilton and Storch are a much better match.

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I didn’t watch the Emmy Awards because I don’t like watching celebrity butt kissing for hours on end (unless it’s a leaked stolen celebrity sex tape). Thankfully, Gorilla Mask has video of the Jon Stewart segment which was probably the only entertaining part of the show.

Paris Latsis’s father, in what is obviously an attempt to avoid sullying his family’s good name any further, told Star magazine Paris and Paris aren’t getting along and Latsis agrees…
Cameron Diaz is a spoiled brat By jenny September 23, 2005

Cameron Diaz attended a press conference at the Toronto International Film Festival to promote In Her Shoes (a movie I won’t be seeing out of principle) and she threw a hissy fit when the flashing from the cameras got on her nerves. She spewed,

Okay, collectively, how many pictures do you guys think you have? Seriously, do you communicate like this in the bedroom as well? It’s insane. I’m having a nervous breakdown with all that clicking.”

She was at a press conference, for chrissakes. Did she think the press would leave the cameras at home and draw caricatures or mold her likeness out of play dough instead? Cameron is one of the most punchable celebrities in Hollywood. She’s an overpaid, overrated, lacklustre actress who is completely average in practically every way. And when her face isn’t shellacked with foundation, it looks like the surface of the moon. She snuck onto the A-List when nobody was looking and now lashes out at the people who got her there in the first place. Celebrities have a right to be angry when they catch the paparazzi on their properties sifting through their trash, collecting used Q-tips and snot rags, but you’d think more of them would be smart enough to realize all of this is the price you pay when you seek fame. Since Cameron Diaz is demanding a 20 million dollar paycheck to giggle and snort her way through every movie, she might want to avoid burning any bridges because she’s about one step away from starring in Proactiv infomercials.

Cameron Diaz attended a press conference at the Toronto International Film Festival to promote In Her Shoes (a movie I won’t be seeing out of principle) and she threw a…
Into the Blue has a premiere By brendon September 23, 2005

I put these pictures up last night for about three minutes along with a scathing rant against our competitors, but then Jenny was level headed enough to take it down and call me a tard. But I’m putting them back up now because I just woke up and need to go walk my dog and this will look like I’ve done something. I should probably mention at some point that these are the premier pictures from the Westwood premier of Into the Blue two nights ago and that Paul Walker looks like my buddy Nick. And I don’t mean a little like Nick, I mean exactly like Nick. Except Nick has long hair. Needless to say, Nick really pisses me off.

I put these pictures up last night for about three minutes along with a scathing rant against our competitors, but then Jenny was level headed enough to take it down…
Paris Latsis has dumped Paris Hilton By brendon September 23, 2005

Just to follow up our Paris Hilton post earlier, Radar Online today quotes a source very close to the Latsis family who says that Paris 1 and Paris 2 have officially broken up, the engagement is over and the two are no longer a couple, and in fact haven’t been for months.

(Their demise) began in July, when Latsis reportedly took his bride-to-be to meet his parents, only to be preempted by an expose on Hilton that included highlights from her sexual resume. The Latsises, a staunchly conservative Greek Orthodox family that until recently was sheltered from the media whirl, had dismissed talk of Hilton’s sordid exploits as ungrounded gossip. But when embarrassing articles about her began appearing in their local papers, they decided to take a closer look. “

At this point Rick and Kathy Hilton flew to Greece to meet their new In-Laws:

After Mrs. Latsis found out what was going on, she quickly hopped on a boat and refused to meet with them. For their son to even think of marrying such a woman is an insult to the entire family.”

My own source inside the Latsis family reveals that the family would prefer if Paris rekindled his affair with his previous flame, a male goat who had been dead for 6 weeks. My source said:

We all really liked the dead boy goat. It smelled better than Paris Hilton, and he was a better conversationalist. Sure we had to prop the goat up in a chair and hold him in with straps so he wouldn’t slide under the dinner table, but we had to do the same thing with Hilton. We don’t normally advocate gay animal necrophilia, but dating Paris Hilton was just too much. I don’t mean to judge, but that’s just embarrassing.”

Source and much more: Radar Online

Thanks for the link to loyal reader Drew, who is opposed to gay animal necrophilia, regardless of what the cool kids are all doing.

Just to follow up our Paris Hilton post earlier, Radar Online today quotes a source very close to the Latsis family who says that Paris 1 and Paris 2 have…