Mary-Kate is the new face of Calvin Klein By brendon August 29, 2005

MSNBC is reporting that Mary-Kate Olsen is the choice of Calvin Klein to become the face of his next campaign. Jeannette Walls writes:

The younger (by two minutes) half of the Olsen twins, stands five-feet, two-inches and was admitted to a clinic last year for an eating disorder. Still, she and sister Ashley are considered style icons by some, as the New York Times noted earlier this year, “In fact the twins are trendsetters for the latest hipster look. Calvin Klein, who famously launched the career of waif-like Kate Moss in a series of ads, wants Mary-Kate … to be featured in a campaign for his upcoming high-end collection.”

Mary Kate Olsen is to modeling what donkeys are to field goal kicking. I’m sure they could both technically do the job, but are you seriously telling me that this is the best option available? Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t models supposed to make clothes look good? No matter what. Like, even if they were wearing Jamie Gum’s dress made from fat-girl skin, you would look at it and think, “well, sure, it looks good on these professional models…”

There’s no chance that anyone anywhere ever has looked at this and thought, “Yeah, I want to look like Mary Kate. Because everyone loves heartwarming aliens.” That has never ever ever happened. And that’s not the worst she can look. I saw a picture of her one time, and my penis literally fell off. Literally. I was reading a magazine and I turned the page and there she was, and then I just heard a “whump” sound as something fleshy hit the floor. Swear to God.

Images removed per request.

MSNBC is reporting that Mary-Kate Olsen is the choice of Calvin Klein to become the face of his next campaign. Jeannette Walls writes: The younger (by two minutes) half of…
Eva Longoria at the VMAs By brendon August 29, 2005

Many sociologists are now in agreement that the more Eva Longoria gets dressed up, the worse she looks. Put her in evening gowns and fake eyelashes and she looks average at best. Put her in jeans and the mud and she looks devastating. You could paint her in blood and she would look better than she did last night. In fact, that might be pretty hot. Ooo, especially if she was naked. Here she is in both of her outfits from last night’s MTV Video Music Awards. I’m not sure what madman convinced her to wear that dress, but I’m assuming his mom beat him with a pool cue and now he hates women. In the mom’s defense, I now would also like to beat him with a pool cue. So getting her out of that dress was a good start. And don’t get me wrong, that suit is awful too, but at least she doesn’t look like she’s trying to make weight as a high school wrestler.

Many sociologists are now in agreement that the more Eva Longoria gets dressed up, the worse she looks. Put her in evening gowns and fake eyelashes and she looks average…
Jessica Simpson at the VMAs By brendon August 29, 2005

Please believe me when I tell you that no one wants to have sex with Jessica Simpson more than I do, even though I might get arrested if she looked like this and we went for a walk downtown. I assume when she gets paid it’s just in giant bags with dollar signs on them so I’m not sure how a disaster like this happens. I think raccoons are as cute as the next little girl does, but I can only think of a few dozen times that I’ve actually masturbated to them.

Please believe me when I tell you that no one wants to have sex with Jessica Simpson more than I do, even though I might get arrested if she looked…
Knight gets lucky, Timberlake gets crafty, Reid gets a room and Anderson gets aroused By jenny August 29, 2005

Jenny here with a couple of quick links:

Suge Knight was shot in the leg outside of an MTV VMAs pre-party which was hosted by Kanye West. There is speculation that the wound which shattered his leg bone was self inflicted. I don’t know. I wasn’t there. See, because I wouldn’t attend any party which had Suge friggin’ Knight on the guest list. Call it life preservation, if you will. That dude would punch his own reflection if he looked at himself wrong.

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I would rather be seen topless, in a pair of acid washed Z. Cavariccis, with neon pink leg warmers and LA Gear high tops, than be seen in public wearing anything from Justin Timberlake’s new clothing line. I haven’t seen the clothes yet, but anyone who dresses as a Michael Jackson impersonator most of the time and dates chicks who wear crap like this obviously lacks the part of the brain which controls good choices.

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Tara Reid was staying in some swanky hotel in London while filming an episode for her train wreck of a show, “Taradise”, and booked a separate suite to store her shoes. Her shoes? Shouldn’t that have read “her cache of liquor and condoms”? Well, maybe not the condoms.

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Pamela Anderson drinks espresso because it makes her nipples hard. Espresso pretty much has the same effect on me. Well, that’s one thing on a laundry list of things which also includes the wind blowing, blinking and breathing.

Jenny here with a couple of quick links: Suge Knight was shot in the leg outside of an MTV VMAs pre-party which was hosted by Kanye West. There is speculation…
Brigitte Bardot is upset By brendon August 26, 2005

I’m sure I don’t need to explain that Brigitte Bardot was pretty much the hottest piece of ass on the planet in the 1960′s. And by that, I mean she was kind of a hussy. But now she’s a big animal rights activist in her home of France and her latest cause is for the government to outlaw the practice by French fishermen of using live puppies and kittens as shark bait. And if you’re not mumbling “Jesus I hate the French” under your breath right now, go read that last sentence again, because it said “live puppies and kittens as shark bait”.

According to a newspaper in Reunion, a French island located in the Indian Ocean, a six-month-old puppy was found last month with hooks implanted in its snout and one of its legs. The French Society for the Protection of Animals (SPA) told the paper that the dog was the victim of fishermen who attract sharks by throwing puppies or kittens into the water, tied to fishing lines, and wait for the predators to swallow the thrashing animals. “We don’t see that every day, but it’s not the first time, either,” said the vice-president of the SPA. “We’ve already seen cats six or seven months old with hooks in them.”

There’s a billion reasons to hate the French, and I’ll let you decide on your favorite. I guess sunshine and innocence wouldn’t stay on the hook, so they got the next best thing. Evil like this is normally only seen in cartoons, where ladies are tied to train tracks by guys in tophats with monocles and handlebar mustaches as they cackle manically. And normally they can only be stopped by a talking moose and a flying squirrel, but if you take an Armalite rifle and fire randomly at French fishing boats, that may also be effective.

I’m sure I don’t need to explain that Brigitte Bardot was pretty much the hottest piece of ass on the planet in the 1960′s. And by that, I mean she…
Zahara Jolie is not an orphan By brendon August 26, 2005

Despite every initial report claiming that Zahara Marley Jolie was orphaned when both of her parents died of AIDS, the Sun UK is reporting today that Wakka Wakka’s mom is an 18 year old girl named Mentewab Dawit, and she is alive and well in Ethiopia.

The Sun also has a picture of the girl next to a picture of Jolie holding Wakka. This may or may not constitute legally binding proof that she is Wakka’s mother; I don’t know, I’m not a lawyer. She does kind of look like Wakka, but a closer look reveals that they have different last names, so now I don’t know what to think.

update – more now on the the saga of Wakka Wakka, from the Sun and Female First UK:

Mentewab Dawit was brutally raped in 2004 and discovered she was pregnant four months later. She named her daughter Setota, which means “gift”, moved in with her mother and took a job at a construction company but still found her bills impossible to pay and could only watch as her daughter lost a drastic amount of weight.

I was all alone after giving birth, but I was so happy to have my child, but I was thinking about its future. I could only eat a piece of bread each day, so it was very difficult to me to breastfeed my child. I assumed my baby was going to die.”

Dawit eventually gave the baby up for adoption and was relieved when Setota/Zahara Marley was found a home in July but had no idea who had adopted her child until the Sun tracked her down in a town outside of the Ethiopian capital.

I am so grateful to this lady for giving my daughter a better life. I want them both to know I love them very much. I want to say thank you to Angelina for giving my baby this wonderful, loving family. I want to ask just one thing of Angelina – which is that she gives my child the education I would love for her. In the future I would like to know about her condition, but I will never try to interfere with their lives.”

Despite every initial report claiming that Zahara Marley Jolie was orphaned when both of her parents died of AIDS, the Sun UK is reporting today that Wakka Wakka’s mom is…
Jennifer Aniston is moving on By brendon August 26, 2005

The New York Daily News says that the long denied romance between Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn is gonna need another round of denials after the two were seen pawing all over each other at the Wednesday night wrap party for their movie The Break Up. A source says:

(they had their) arms around each other. Then they were dancing. Then they were ‘I-want-to-rip-your-clothes-off’ dancing. Then they were straight making out.”

As this drags on, it really does seem like Vince is getting the better end of the deal. While Brad is getting chased by ghost tigers in a haunted jungle, Vince is playing Texas-hold-em at the Hard Rock. A good day with Angelina is when cannibals don’t hit you with a boomerang and put you in a pot. A good day with Jenn is throwing a frisbee to a girl with a body like Wonder Woman. Maybe its just cause I’m so filled with the American spirit, but I think I would choose Vegas, frisbee in the park and a pillow that doesn’t walk away. Because it’s a goat. Thanks anyway though.

The New York Daily News says that the long denied romance between Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn is gonna need another round of denials after the two were seen pawing…
Depp is soft, Grohl is flattered, Murray is armed and Cruise is so not gay By jenny August 26, 2005

Jenny here with a couple quick links:

I never thought of Johnny Depp as any sort of “metrosexual” but apparently he has girly hands. I’ll let this one slide since most of the time he looks like he smells like an ashtray, but is still completely F-able even when he’s dressed as a filthy, drunken pirate. Did I say “even”? I meant to say “especially”.

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Dave Grohl says he didn’t have sex with Christina Aguilera because he was married and she was too young. I hope Dave is kicking himself over this one because I’m quite sure Christina’s talents rivaled those of Jenna Jameson even when she was barely legal. If so, Christina should definitely prove it. On video. With Jenna.

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I wish I was a famous movie star like Bill Murray so I could get away with threatening to knife people if they didn’t shut up and get off the phone. My restaurant and movie theater experiences would be so pleasant. And I’d totally gain street cred. Thanks Paul.

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These should put those “Tom Cruise is gay” rumors to rest once and for all.

Jenny here with a couple quick links: I never thought of Johnny Depp as any sort of “metrosexual” but apparently he has girly hands. I’ll let this one slide since…
Jessica Simpson is hard to shop for By brendon August 25, 2005

Just so you know, if you’re ever Jessica Simpson’s Secret Santa, don’t bother getting her a pair of white silk panties with flowers on them. Cause she’s already got those. Oh, and also, she doesn’t need a gift certificate for a Brazilian wax either. She’s good there too. But don’t get discouraged, cause being Jessica Simpson’s Secret Santa is a lot harder than most people would ever imagine. Last year I just ended up getting her a figurine of Jesus playing soccer with some kids. She said she really liked it, but now I think she was just being polite, cause I never see it when I go over there.

Just so you know, if you’re ever Jessica Simpson’s Secret Santa, don’t bother getting her a pair of white silk panties with flowers on them. Cause she’s already got those….
Cameron Diaz is cheap and litigious By brendon August 25, 2005

Radar Online is posting an email this morning from celebrity attorney Marcy Morris demanding that the magazine stop plans to print an article about Cameron Diaz and her well known rep for being an idiot with horrible skin frugal.

Some of the highlights from Radar’s upcoming story that the email demands not be printed:

1. That Cameron Diaz has a habit of using her star power to leverage free rides on jets and discounts at trendy clothing stores, and that when people don’t give in she refuses to have anything more to do with the companies.
2. That Ms. Diaz constantly tries to pay the lowest possible salaries for her employees and retainers.
3. That after MTV cancelled [her MTV show] “Trippin”, Ms. Diaz gave them a bill for expenses that included her personal trainer, hairdresser, make up artist, and extra hotel fees but then, when asked to show the receipts, she threatened to sue.

It’s obviously awesome that Cameron’s dumb little show was about rolling around in the mud in third world nightmares where alien like diseases are the number one export and “ham” on a menu is simply a space saving way to write “hamster”. And then the cameras shut down and Cameron runs back to her palatial resort and racks up million dollar tabs for hairdressers and make up artists before doing her voice over to lecture the rest of us about how we should live like raccoons. Because she saw a pygmy wearing a gorilla head as a hat doing it on her vacation. Her vacation from sitting courtside at Lakers games, surfing in Malibu and banging a beautiful boy bander. Either Cameron is blissfully ignorant to the fact that that she’s an insufferable hypocrite, or she knows and simply doesn’t care. And neither one of those is good.

I dare any of you to present an expense report to your boss with absolutely no documentation or receipts. I dare you. Not only will you be fired, you’ll be dragged to the desert and buried alive in a casket filled with scorpions. And you’ll deserve it.

Radar Online is posting an email this morning from celebrity attorney Marcy Morris demanding that the magazine stop plans to print an article about Cameron Diaz and her well known…